Buried in Sandboxes
by Xyliette
Summary: MidSeason 4 GA and Season 1 PrP, Derek and Addison realize what is missing from their lives. Derek/Addison.
1. Prologue: Sidewalks scream our names

A/N: So I have better things to do than starting something new but I can't get this couple out of my head (even now in Season 4), so I'm writing it out. I bring this at the behest of someone who has been patiently waiting for something lighter from me. I am aiming for about five chapters here, this merely being a prologue of sorts because it is very short. Let me know what you think!

**_-----_**  
_I've got a bad taste in me  
It's like I've been robbed of something that I once was in my childhood memories  
And it's buried in sandboxes backyard where we used to see  
That dreams could come true if believed  
The sidewalks scream our names  
We are so far from home  
Far from home_  
- The Classic Crime, "Far From Home"  
**_-----_**

****  
Cooper left about a half an hour ago, taking with him the bottle of wine for good measure, in case he needed liquid courage. After a brief talk about being stood up and turning yourself down he decided to man up and head back over to Violet's and get his dream woman which somehow now leads to Addison pondering whether or not she even believes that still exists.

Ever the eternal cynic, she found a renewed faith in the optimism her ex-husband believed existed. She chalked it up to the fact that you have to remain hopeful when you end up killing as many people as Hitler in surgery (as he did and will continue to do). She reaches for another bottle of wine and stops when her eye catches the key in the windowsill.

She's made better choices in life. Isn't that the way the story always starts? Hastily heading upstairs to change, because part of her brain in engaged enough to realize that waiting for a plane while dressed in lingerie isn't the best idea, she exhales a breath of excitement and of trepidation. Her feet hit the wooden steps slowly at first and by the time she reaches the top, at full speed, her lungs feel like bursting.

A situation where better choices could have been made often leads to heartache, at least in her experience, but she doesn't have a damn thing to lose right now. While still unsure of how of that all leads her to boarding the next flight to Seattle out of LAX she is firm in the decision. If it doesn't work then she was on a weekend visit to see Callie. Back up plan in place she stands, takes a good long look at the lights outside of the terminal window, and grins as the attendant reviews her boarding pass.

**_-----_**

After the (what he now deems stupid and futile) talk with Meredith about what he wants for their future he headed back to the trailer for another lonely night with the chief. Now, days later, he realizes that all the things he was saying he wanted he already had once in life. Derek is the kind of guy that puts stock into something and holds on for dear life, until that person does him wrong, like Addison had. So he really does believe that he could make it work with Meredith, if he gives her enough time. But the thing is he is out of time. He's middle aged and suddenly being forced back into the dating world with his manwhore of sidekick.

The sidekick who proclaims to be able to fake one hell of a heart attack all the while not realizing that Sydney, who just dumped him even though they weren't dating, is a nurse and would probably jump on the situation to save him before Derek could think to react. His wingman isn't the smartest in the bunch and can't see past the hurt he is playing off as not being able to be with the whiny unavailable resident to see that he actually misses his ex-wife. Because they don't talk about Addison; talking about Addison would mess up whatever semblance of a friendship they have managed to sew back together.

The thought of missing her occurred in the elevator after the speech. He thinks of her infrequently, often pushing her name and memories aside to pursue something work related but he can never quite get her far enough out of his mind. So while fleeing things that are crumbling to the ground is completely his MO, he still can't tie that in to the reason behind why he is now mid-air over Oregon and on his way to the beach.

**_-----_**

She arrives to SeaTac and steps off the plane twirling the small silver key in her hand. The key she has been clutching the entire flight. It's late and she knows that there is a very real possibility that he is either with Meredith or still at the hospital but she grabs a cab and delivers the directions that her mind won't let her forget. As they approach the tin can in the woods she sees a light but her heart instantly sinks when she sees that another trailer has been put on Derek's property. His car is gone and the "home" that holds some of the worst days of her life sits darkened in front of her. She digs into her purse, careful not to drop the key, and fishes out money for the driver. He leaves her standing frozen in the cold rain, eyes locked on what could lead to the worst mistake of her life.

**_-----_**

After realizing that Addison had befriended Naomi and Sam far before he came into the picture, Derek acknowledges that she got them in the divorce and it would be inappropriate for him to call at such an hour. He grimaces when he comprehends that he got Mark in the mess and how unfair that whole situation seems. Pulling his cell phone out of his pocket he hastily calls the hospital hoping to catch Torres there before she leaves, not that she ever does anymore. He scribbles the address on an lost baggage form and then is throwing himself down in the backseat of a cab as the city lights whirl by.

When they pull onto her street a wide smile spreads across his face as he remembers their old house in the Hamptons. Everything about the area screams relaxation and he hopes to catch her at a good time, not that three am is a good time for anyone, but he knows that she is often awake and reading at this hour. Nothing would give him more pleasure right now than to stumble upon her with a glass of wine and reading glasses perched on her nose as she tries to read her body to sleep.

* * *


	2. Swallow all your bombs and grenades

A/N: There's some fighting which I love but as I try to maintain a promise to keep this light, we move on quickly. They may be out of character but to reconcile this quickly I had to pull them a little in my own direction. I hope you enjoy, and I having the worst day ever so I'd appreciate the good warm feeling that comes from feedback. Literally, I am sitting in my office staring down a hallway of about 800 choral kids who are chatting with complete disregard for the people who have to work behind them. If I hear one more sentence that starts with "Like", I am going to pull my hair out. But, I digress, enjoy!  
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_** -----**_  
_I'll drink your poison and say_  
_ I'm still not going away_  
_ I'll swallow all your bombs and grenades_  
_ And love you like a tsunami wave_  
_ Wave, wave_  
_ Oh, all the memories we had_  
_ Framed in our minds like photographs_  
_ Take a second, take a second_  
_ And make this last_  
_ Here where the future meets the past_  
-The Classic Crime, "All The Memories"  
**_-----_**

"Addison?" Richard calls out as he steps onto the deck of his trailer holding a steaming cup of coffee.

She spins, alarmed by the sudden noise to find her old mentor dressed in a sweater and slacks fresh from the hospital. "Richard?" She calls back before she dares to move.

He sets the cup down carefully on the table in front of him before scurrying over to her spot in the drenched ground. She smiles upon finding the once familiar face and he gently pulls his into his arms for a hello hug. Pulling back he asks, "What are you doing here?"

She reaches back for a strand of her hair as her fingers try to tremble. Twisting it subconsciously she follows him back to the deck and replies, "I came up for a visit."

"I see that. What are you doing out here at Derek's?" He turns away briefly before reappearing with another cup of coffee and taking a seat opposite from her as the cool night breeze cuts through his sweater.

She finds it hard to come up with words when she herself has no real idea of why she got on that plane a few hours ago so she does her best to deflect. "Better question, what are you doing out here? Get tired of living in your office?" She mocks running her finger along the rim of the cup. It is pressing three am and her nerves are beginning to get the better of her.

"Very funny. Glad to see you in good spirits finally and well, I moved out here. Derek allowed me to put my trailer out by his and this is where I live now."

"You know, I never understood what it is about men and the woods. Why didn't you just buy a house?"

He pauses briefly, after having considered it himself he replies, "A house seemed too permanent for where I am at in my life right now. So back to you. What is the real reason you hiked out into the big bad scary woods."

She opens her mouth to speak and finds the words coming out in true waterfall fashion. "I missed Derek and I know how stupid that sounds, believe me but I missed him and then the next thing I knew I was setting foot into the airport."

"How very irrational of you."

She exhales the breath she was holding slowly and acknowledges the truth. "Yes, it was. And now he isn't here so I just wasted a few hours on a flight. I should get that taxi back and try to find a hotel room."

"Derek's gone."

"Yeah there was a fifty-fifty chance of that happening. I lose." She sets the cup back down and places her hand around it to catch the warmth that emulates.

"No, I mean he took time off."

"Oh."

"You could stay at his place. He never locks the door and I would be grateful for the morning company."

She shakes her head when she realizes that being in the trailer alone would be horribly depressing. "I don't think that he would appreciate me in his things…and if he and Meredith come back. Well, that would just be a mess I prefer to stay out of." She stands, pulling her jacket a little tighter around her waist before stepping back out into the pouring rain.

"Ok, but you should know that he and Meredith are over."

Before she can stop herself a huge smile paves her face and she hesitates to take another step. She isn't really all that big on gossip but it is coming from a fairly reliable source. "Really?"

"Something about chasing something that he was too stupid to hold onto. You should stay." He nods back to the trailer and she begins pacing toward it. She pulls the old key from her pocket before checking the handle and gives one last look to Richard. "Night."

"Goodnight Addison and welcome back."

She doesn't bother to refute that she is indeed not back on staff or even something resembling her staying in town for longer than a few days before stepping into the darkened tin can and reaching for the light switch. It flutters on and she gasps when she realizes that the whole place looks exactly the same as the last time she saw it with the exception of her missing possessions. Heading toward the bed, she quells the memories for another time and kicks her shoes off before collapsing into the soft comforter and inviting pillows.

**_-----_**

"Derek, is that you?' Sam calls from his window before stepping outside.

"Sam?" Derek replies pulling himself from his warm spot in front of her door. His plan to simply wait it out until she comes home has been futile in providing results.

Extending his hand quickly Sam pulls his old friend in for the "man hug". "I'd ask what was bringing you to L.A. but that seems to be rather obvious."

"Yeah." Derek mutters as he looks at her house again.

"She's not here."

"I see that." He retorts, his travels leaving him cranky. "Sorry. Do you know when she will be back?"

"Nope. She has the weekend off. Could be with Pete but I will kill him before you get a chance so don't worry about that. You want to come in?" He motions back toward his house and kicks at the sand between them.

"Sure. Who's Pete?"

"No one important. Just a co-worker who is insistent on dating her."

"Oh." Derek murmurs feeling defeated and useless. He didn't think she would have moved on this quickly even though he had.

"I wouldn't worry about it." They reach his house as Derek's phone begins to buzz in his pocket. He pulls it out and sighs when he sees Richard's number but neglecting the Chief is not an option. "I need to go take this. I'll be right back."

**_-----_**

He draws up short when he enters his declared home hours later. Grinning as he sees her hair splayed across the pillows and her legs tangled in the blankets he reaches up and pulls his shirt overhead. Wasting no time he tugs off his jeans after releasing his feet from the holders. He is positive that he has sand in his hair but is too tired to take a shower mostly at the risk of waking her. Climbing onto the bed he carefully undoes the mess she has created and pulls the comforter back over them before succumbing to need for sleep.

**_-----_**

Upon waking she was certain that she was in a dream. She squinted her eyes against the breaking sunlight filtering in through the un-drawn blinds and muttered incoherently as she shifted her legs out from underneath his. Her mind spun as she tried to remember what in world happened last night. Fearing she was on some horrible acid trip or in a coma she bolted straight up and sucked in all the air her lungs would hold.

"Addison, sleep." Derek mutters as he rolls over to face her.

"What happened?"

"Long story. Too long for the little sleep we've had. Lay down."

The memories of her arrival begin to seep back in and flops backward placing her hand over her eyes. "When did you get here?"

"About an hour ago. Please sleep." He grumbles flipping onto his stomach and burying his head under the pillows.

"We need to talk."

"Not right now. Give me four hours and some coffee and then you can flip out. By the way thanks for letting yourself into my house." He teases in mock fashion.

"Ugh." She kicks her legs out from underneath the blankets, dead set on getting the hell out of there and focusing on turning her brain back on when he drapes his arm across her hips and pleads for sleep again. "Fine…fine. Sleep, got it." She pulls the blanket back up but relishes in the warmth of his forearm across her stomach.

**_-----_**

"Stop thinking." He states as he hands her a cup of coffee five hours later.

"Oh because that is possible."

"Take it on faith."

"Take what on faith? I don't have faith to give." She replies confused as her eyes dart around the daylight room. She notices the placement of everything and tries not to think of the times in her marriage where she spent more time with these inanimate objects than with her husband. Attempting to make peace with everything that went so horribly wrong with them inevitably lead her to California and while she is certainly not over everything it often stings less than it used to when she thinks about it.

"Well, I went down there to find you and you came up here on the same day. Coincidence?"

"We both lost our minds at the same time?" She grins. He places a bowl in front of her before pouring the cereal from its box and topping it with milk. Of all the mornings they spent together here he never once made her breakfast, unless you count trout, which she didn't. Trout was more of a torturing mechanism; a punishment for her sins in the most subtle of ways.

"I lost mine a long time ago but it is coming back to me."

"Well, that's rather frightening for your patients. Malpractice anyone?"

"Oh shut up. You know what I meant."

Growing silent she dips her spoon into the mess of flakes. "Yeah, but all joking aside Derek. I don't know what I was thinking…I'm sorry for coming up here like this. I was lonely and I missed you and I made a bad choice."

"I wouldn't say that. I don't think it was a bad choice. I would know. You should see the things I've done lately."

"Thank you for having me." She replies quietly as the meal continues in silence.

**_-----_**

"I don't trust you!" She shouts back mid-conversation hours later. They have spent the entire day yelling and discussing things. From the broken marriage to prom and the suffering that was intertwined with all of it.

"Or I you. But who's to say that we can't get to a point where we do?"

"I...no. Derek this is insane. We can't. We just got divorced a few months ago."

"So, who said we ever did anything the easy way? We are stubborn as hell and it took me a little longer than it should have to realize that you were what was missing in my life. I was standing there talking about wanting a house, a wife and kids before it hit me that I had all of that. From then on out it's pretty much been me trying to convince myself to not fly down there….but no matter how many times I stopped myself and thought it through I always came back to you." He slumps back against the couch in the far end of the trailer as she paces bare foot in front of him. After throwing her clothes in the washer, because she didn't bring anything but a purse, she is now stuck in a pair of his old blue sweats and an undershirt.

She toys with the drawstring of the rolled over pants before taking a second to acknowledge the conversation she had with Naomi. "I said I wanted something more, someone with passion; with purpose and Nae said I wanted a husband and kids."

"What's wrong with that?"

She stops halfway through her path along the trailer and turns back to him. "Nothing I guess. I just…we can't do this. We already proved it doesn't work between us."

"It works. It worked for almost eleven great years before things headed south. Think of it this was Addie- We already know what mistakes to avoid. We get to start over, a new chance to do things right." He stands carefully walking over to her before taking her face in his hands and lightly placing his lips upon hers. He pushes back lightly, intent on savoring the moment and when she reciprocates he feels the old tingle run down his spine. "We can do this." He whispers as he pulls away from her lips.

**_-----_**

"What happens when you wake up and realize that you are stuck with me again?" She asks. They have spent the better part of the afternoon playing the what-if game so that her nerves can be calmed.

"I wouldn't feel stuck Addison."

"What happens when you see Meredith and realize you made a mistake?"

"I wouldn't be doing this if I thought it was a mistake."

"What happens when you start to work too much and I say something? What happens when you yell and tell me I am being ridiculous and there is nothing to worry about? I was right last time!"

He wants to retort that exact thing back at her; that there is nothing to worry about. Trying to be brave enough for them is getting a little exhausting but he deserves to pay a price much greater than this to get her back so he continues to play along. "You were right and now I know that. But you got busy too. It has to be both of us on this. Not one sided…and you are being ridiculous right now." He can't help but let the last part slip out and he is met with a throw pillow to the face. "Hey!"

"What?" She grins attempting to act confused.

The worst thing about the trailer is the lack of space but in this instance it works to his advantage. He reaches out and pulls her back causing her to fall into his lap when they land on the couch. "Derek! We are trying to have a conversation here."

"I'm tired of talking. We have talked all damn day Addison. About everything. I honestly and whole heartedly believe that we can do this. I want to do this. I miss you and everything about you, ok? Can that quash the question and answer session long enough for us to get dinner? Because you can't hold me captive and not feed me."

"You get cranky." She acknowledges leaning back against his chest and letting her head fall into the spot between his neck and shoulder.

"Yes, I do." He brushes the hair out her eyes. "Now can we eat?"

Standing she pulls him up after her and pouts ever so slightly. "You really want to do this?"

"Dinner, yeah I am starving." She jabs at his side causing a fit of laughter. "Ok, yes. I am sure I want to do this. I mean why else would I beg you to move back. Do I look masochistic?"

"Sometimes I wonder."

"Well, stop wondering and go get dressed so we can get food."

She pauses before heading toward the dryer. "Maybe we could stay in tonight?"

"You hate this place."

"Yeah, well it's not so bad when we aren't convinced that we hate each other. The walls feel cozy instead of like they are suffocating me." She smiles as he comes up next to her and wraps his arms loosely around her waist.

"Ok, deal but Richard will probably join us when he gets off."

"Do we? I mean should we say anything or play it cool like I am visiting?'

"Oh, does that mean that you have found it in your cold ice pump of a heart to give me another chance?"

"Watch it mister. Wouldn't want to piss off your girlfriend." He laughs as she turns toward the bedroom. "What?" She calls out.

"You called yourself my girlfriend."

"Yeah. Well, I mean I guess we could date nonexclusively if you wanted to first but I just assumed that would be what we called ourselves. It's not like we can undo divorce papers and marriage-"

"Addison."

"Hmm?"

"Shut up. Girlfriend is fine, it's great. I just assumed you would make me jump through nine hundred hoops before we ever got to that."

She emerges dressed in the previous day's fresh clothing. She tilts her head to the side before giving him a quick peck. "We don't have time for nine hundred hoops Derek. We aren't exactly young and I know how high you can jump already. Remember college?"

"Uh, yeah. Vividly thank you. So, pizza?"

"Sure."

**_-----_**

"So you two certainly know how to hop right back into the swing of things." Richard notes as he watches Derek and Addison make faces at each other.

"What?" She replies a little too quickly.

"Who do you think you are kidding? I remember your intern year and those faces better not mean what I think they mean because I currently reside about ten feet away."

Addison turns bright red trying not to remember the one time Richard caught them in a supply closet half dressed. She would like to think that she has come a long way since those times but in moments like this she still feels like the twenty four year old being scolded. "Richard." She replies not able to get anything else out when Derek cuts her off.

"Addison knows how to keep it down Richard, don't worry."

Her face drops and her eyes widen in abject horror until she realizes that he isn't kidding and then suddenly the butterflies find their way back into her stomach. Through the short process of one day she hadn't really taken in the implications of what starting over with him would mean. And while they had certainly had sex too many times to count she still felt unendingly nervous about the prospect of it not going well.

"Great Shep, just what the kind of conversation I enjoy with my dinner."

**_-----_**

Hours later they lie tangled in each other's arms sorting through the days events.

"Naomi is going to kill me."

"She'll forgive you. Naomi is a good friend."

"She just gave me that job, why don't you move to L.A.?"

"We've gone over that Addison. It's far easier for you to come back than it is for me to pack up and move down there. Unless you want every one of our dates to include airfare you are going to have to budge on this one." He shifts on the bed pulling her a little closer and letting his fingers trail along her back under the material of her shirt. He rationalizes that it is probably far too soon to attempt to seduce her but on the other hand it isn't like it's something that they haven't done before.

"What happens when this doesn't work and then I need a job again? There is no way Naomi will trust me-"

"First you have to stop thinking in terms of this being doomed from the start and second of all you know how talented you are. Any hospital would be lucky to have you. As for private practices, well I still can't believe you jumped ship."

"Had to do something." She gasps as his fingers trail a little higher and unclasp her bra. "Derek."

"Addison." He responds before running his fingers back down her spine.

"Too soon." She sits up trying to hook it back but quickly gives up and goes to change into her pajamas mentally noting that she really needs to get some stuff up here.

"Ok." He feels almost disappointed but it was worth a shot and when she crawls back into his arms for the second time that day and he flips the lights off he knows, for absolute sure, that this was the right choice. Now it is only a matter of getting her to agree.

**_-----_**

* * *


	3. There's nothing to fear

A/N: Thanks to everyone who comments this fic. I am usually very uncomfortable and unsure writing anything that isn't drama filled and overly emotional so this is a nice break from that. So far I am on schedule and we have two chapters left. Thanks to my beta who keeps me in line. Hmm...yeah that's all. Enjoy-  
**_  
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**_ -----_**  
_With each second that ticks_  
_ Your voice rings in my ears_  
_ And the memories flood back from all of our years_  
_ And I tell you it's ok, there's nothing to fear_  
_ And I secretly hope I am right_  
_-The Classic Crime, "Drink In My Hand"_  
**_ -----_**

"So I was thinking we could have sex tonight." Derek offers reaching around Addison for his toothbrush.

"Morning to you too and that line only works when I use it." She spits and then turns to him waiting for some sort of explanation. She's been in town for just a little over a week and that, to her at least, is not long enough to fall back into the sack with him.

"Noted. So…"

"So no. Nice try."

"Addison." He whines releasing her from her spot in the tiny bathroom and back out to the bedroom.

"Oh because whining like a three year old constantly gets what you want out of me."

He finishes brushing and then turns his attention to her. She's rambling on some about trying to find a job if she is staying in town when he pulls her in closely and kisses her thoroughly. His intensity is suddenly matched and before he can blink he is on his back, head nestled in pillows, as she straddles his lap. He sighs as she lazily traces patterns on his bare chest before returning her mouth to his.

After a few minutes he decides that he doesn't want to wait any longer and tries to flip them over only to be met with strong resistance. "Addie."

"I said no Derek." She begins kissing lightly along his neck and then onto his jaw line before speaks again.

He pushes against her shoulders. "Then you are going to have to stop teasing me and get up so I can go to work."

She runs her hand between her legs rubbing him through his boxers before responding, "Who said I was teasing?" in a low raspy voice. She gradually makes her way down his chest and toys with the edge of the elastic waistband before pulling them down and taking him fully in her mouth.

Derek groans loudly when her lips make contact with his pulsing skin. This isn't really her thing, not something she enjoys but he certainly does when she is willing. When his hands are good and intertwined into her hair and as her tongue swirls and she starts to murmur something against him he loses control and explodes, leaving him gasping for air in the post orgasmic haze.

She returns to rest her head against his chest (after another round with the toothbrush because that's just what she does he has learned) and he wraps his arm tightly around her waist and remarks, "When did you learn how to do that?"

A wide smile spreads across her face before she answers. "Mark."

"Oh, come on. We are not talking about him post any kind of sex and really I didn't didn't need to know that Mark knew how to give…head…ever."

She jabs him the side lightly before sitting up. "I was kidding and you don't know all my secrets Derek Shepherd." She marches over to the dresser and begins to rifle through things that would make an acceptable outfit for the day. Slipping a shirt on and reaching for a pair of jeans she remarks, "I thought you were going to be late for work."

"I lied." He glances over at the red numbers next to him. "But we are going to be late for breakfast with Richard if you don't find some shoes faster."

"Richard?"

"Yeah. I told him we would meet him downtown for coffee. He said he had something he needed to talk to us about." He grabs a pair of slacks, a white button up shirt, and the trademarked red sweater from behind her as he watches her nerves grow in leaps and bounds. "It's just breakfast Addie."

"Yeah, I know. I know…It's just…well I haven't been here very long yet and we are…I don't know what we are…or what we are doing exactly…and it has been nice just the two of us for the past few days…but I-"

"Enough. People are going to have to see us outside of this trailer and I couldn't care less about what they think." He reaches out and tucks a few wayward strands behind her ear before whispering. "As long as I have you they can all say whatever they want." He gives her a quick peck and a squeeze on the shoulder as he mentions something about knowing that she will want to change out of jeans and needing to go warm up the car.

**_-----_**

"Morning you two." Richard says when they arrive a few minutes shy of nine o'clock.

"Morning." Derek grumbles while making his way for the coffee line. The lack of caffeine thus far making him a little too cranky to bear Addison decides to sit and wait. "Morning Richard."

"So-"

"So what?"

"Oh come on Addie. Don't make me ask, you know what I want to hear."

She smiles widely as her mentor pours sugar into his coffee and begins to stir. "I'm back in town indefinitely."

"That's my girl."

She lets out a little chuckle trying not to remark over how much they feel like they have a father/daughter relationship as opposed to a boss/subordinate relationship. "Yeah, well we are…we are trying."

"About damn time."

She glances over at Derek who is heading back with two cups and a muffin before letting another smile escape. "Yeah it is."

"Alright you two can stop talking about me now." Derek remarks handing her a cup and ripping the blueberry muffin in two before giving her the bigger half.

"Shep, your head gets bigger and bigger by the day. I'm surprised your hair can keep up with the surface area."

"Oh thanks Richard, good to you this morning as well."

"Derek." Addison warns taking a sip to find out that he still indeed remembers the way she likes her coffee.

"Anyway I asked you both to come down for a reason."

"Ok." They both reply at the same time and then look over at each other finding the old routine so easy to slip into.

"I want Addison back at Seattle Grace. I know it may be awkward at first but I want the best and if she is in town than I am prepared to fight for her. I left your job open Addie, I need you back."

"I…uh… I don't think that that is a very good idea Richard but thank you for the offer, it was really kind and you…you didn't have to do that for me."

"I wanted to."

"He offered you a job Addison. You were just saying-"

"Yeah I know Derek but no. The answer is no Richard, I'm sorry. You'll excuse me." She stands taking the cup with her and heading for the door.

"Better get after that Derek. I'm counting on you here. I want my star back."

"I thought I was your favorite." He almost pouts slinging his coat back on.

"You should know better than that. Addie has always been my favorite. Now go."

**_-----_**

"Addison wait!" He shouts as the cold wind catches his unzipped coat causing it to fly behind him.

She turns to the sound of his voice and pauses waiting for him to catch up. Never one to expect Derek to understand she simply begins explaining before he has a chance to bombard her with questions. "It's just that I can't Derek. I go back there then I am pathetic and weak and needing a job. Not to mention taking one from a friend."

"You did that the first time you came out here." He counters finally finding his zipper and yanking upward.

"It was different."

"How?"

"No one knew about me. No one knew about us. If I go back now I…I just can't. You don't have to understand it but you will have to respect it." She turns away again and stops when he catches her cold hand and spins her around.

"Addison, you are one of the best damn surgeons in this country. Where are you going to go? Mercy West? Seattle Presbyterian?"

She shakes her head and almost drops the hot coffee on the ground. "I don't know."

"My point is you are the best, you should be working with the best."

"Derek, the hospital doesn't make me the best. I could go work in Africa and still be the best."

"You better not leave me for a bunch of Ethiopians." He warns before changing tactics. "What about your patients?"

She shrugs trying to follow along. "What about them?"

"If you won't do it for yourself, and you won't do it for Richard or me then you have to do it for the patients. The sick little helpless infants with bad hearts, undeveloped lungs, and countless other problems. If they are to survive they need you but they also need the best technology and the best staff money can be. The hospital doesn't make you Addison but it can make the difference in a child's life. In a parent's life. Do it for the kids."

Her expression softens before she leans in for a warm kiss. "You should be a used car salesmen Derek. That was awful." She twists her face into a grin before mimicking him, "Do it for the kids!" She gives a little fake punch to the air for impact before letting out a chuckle.

"It worked didn't it?"

"Hmm…I don't know." He dances his fingers in front of her eyes signaling a possible attack and she gives in. "Ok, yes. Fine it worked. Don't touch me when I am holding coffee."

"Deal." He grabs her free hand again and insistently tugs her toward the door. "Let's go tell Richard why I deserve a raise."

**_-----_**

"You can do this. We can do this." He reminds her a week later. Today is her first day back on the job. He's heard the talk clattering the halls about some new doctor and he honestly can't wait to see their faces when they all realize it is Addison. He paces up behind her as she stands in a black pencil skirt and a matching black lace bra and nothing else. His mouth watering to mess up every part of the outfit she has managed to put together he manages some restraint and lightly rests his head on the back of her shoulder giving a quick kiss behind her ear.

"I know. I just, I can't find anything in here! I can't see my clothes Derek and I can't find anything that will match this." She motions to the skirt as his hands slide along her sides to find the zipper.

"Then might I suggest that you jus take it all of Dr. Montgomery and try again?"

She twists in his arm as he begins to pull down her skirt leaving her in stockings and matching lace panties. "You really think that that is the solution to our storage problems. Should I go to work like this Derek? You think I will get anything accomplished?"

He shakes his head trying not to smile. "And why is that?" She implores.

"Because I wouldn't be getting any work done." He lightly kisses along her collarbone while forcing her back towards the edge of the bed and lightly pushing her backwards when her knees brush the end of the comforter.

"Derek, I need to get to work. I need to pick out clothes so I can drive there."

He tugs on her stockings and slyly runs his fingers up her long legs while whispering. "We can be late. No one will notice."

**_-----_**

"Now we are officially late." She heaves after collapsing onto his chest.

He strokes her hair and murmurs, "And we weren't already late last time?"

"Shut up." She straightens herself back up, trying to catch her breath and finally catches the time on the clock. "Oh, ok we needed to leave like 37 minutes ago. I'm getting dressed, you get the coffee and I'll meet you in the car."

"We could call in sick. Spend all day in bed." He smirks reaching for her hand when she begins to crawl off of him.

"No. Derek, I have spent two weeks crowed into this trailer in the woods while you worked. I need back in an OR or I will cut you just to practice."

"I don't have a uterus."

She smacks him for his smart ass comment before replying. "I know how to do other surgeries. How attached are you to your balls anyway?"

"Point gotten. I'm going."

**_-----_**

She stands leaning forward against the rail. This is one thing that she missed about Seattle. Derek was not the only one with a serious thing for ferryboats. Back in the good days and when they managed to get time off together they would go out for a ride and watch the world slowly pass them by. Now it is a conscious effort to not let all of the horrible Seattle memories destroy what they have going. To try and remember that this is where she wants to be. He walks up behind her watching the wind catch her hair and toss it carelessly from side to side.

Reaching around and placing coffee in front or her on the rail he whispers, "I'm sorry." into her ear.

She turns at his admission and cocks her head to the side. "For what?"

"Everything. I don't know. I mean this ferry holds some bad memories and I'm sorry. I just want you to know how sorry I am."

"You have to stop apologizing. We agreed to move on, that it part of the past."

Squeezing her free hand he acknowledges, "I know. I…you just looked like you were thinking and I don't want you to get scared and run for the hills is all."

"That's more of your thing." She deadpans back.

"Touché, been waiting to use that one long Add?"

The grin takes it shape and she leans into his shoulder before admitting her guilt. "Yeah. Did it seem rushed?"

"Nah. Perfectly delivered. It's no wonder you were picked to play diner girl number four in whatever play that was."

"Oh, don't remind me."

He pulls her closer and breathes in her scent knowing that he is the luckiest guy on the whole damn ferry. He can't believe how right it feels to have her back and how easy it was for him to finally let go of the bad and just allow himself to be. To simply be with her. Pulling back he readjusts her scarf and dares to ask, "You ready for this?"

**_-----_**

* * *


	4. The lie has been exposed

A/N: Alright, I lifted the 5 part notion because I have a lot to fit into that last chapter and we may very well end up with six...but I swear this thing will not get past ten. I am determined. Also took the "-ish" away from the NC-17 at the behest of a few. Now, smut writing is not my forte by any stretch of the imagination but the fabulous beta assures me that it is not as bad as my mind believes. Oh, and fluff in this chapter alone fills my quota for the year...and possibly next year. Thank you to everyone who keeps commenting, it quite possibly means more to me than you think. Enjoy-**_  
_**

_** -----**_

_**Don't waste your time if you've got it**_

_**The tides are turning now**_

_**You are not alone**_

_**They gave you their worst and you bought it**_

_**The lie has been exposed**_

_**You are not alone**  
-The Classic Crime, "We All Look Elsewhere"_

_**-----**_

After pulling themselves into the car again Addison fell silent for the duration of the trip. To Derek's credit he noticed the mood shift for once and knows the reason behind it so he offers his free hand as some sort of consolation. Lightly rubbing her thigh she eventually wraps her fingers around his. When they finally reach the parking lot she exhales the breath she didn't know she had been holding and her eyes flit about. Sensing her nerves he pulls back and shoots her a grin. "Hey, who's the best?"

"What?" She murmurs gaping at the hospital entrance.

"Who's the best?"

"Me?"

"Don't sound surprised Addie. Listen, I know that today is going to be ten kinds of uncomfortable and hard but I want you to know that you have me today. You need me- just page and I'll come running."

"That's unnecessary. I'll be fine Derek."

"You always are. Just offering." He tips her head and lightly places a kiss on her cheek before reaching for the door handle.

"Derek wait. I can't do this."

"Yeah you can. You are Addison Forbes Montgomery, one hell of a doctor and an amazing woman. You do this in your sleep half the time and I know that I didn't pay you much attention the first go around here but I am positive that you outshined everyone else in your department. Richard calls you his star."

"I slept with Alex Karev." She whispers. They've spent the greatest portion of the last few weeks working out the kinks, voicing concerns when they arise, and reassuring each other that they can indeed pull this off but there are still some things that she preferred to keep quiet.

"What?" He asks trying to keep his temper on a leash.

"After the divorce, before I moved. I slept with that damn intern and I don't have to apologize to you. We weren't together, I wasn't with anyone technically…I just wanted you to know." She fidgets with the seatbelt finally getting it undone and stepping outside of the car reaching for her things.

Rounding to her side of the vehicle he reaches for her free hand and gives a little squeeze before they start walking. "I don't care about the whole thing with the 'damn intern' but thank you for telling me."

"You're welcome."

"I don't want you to feel like you can't tell me things. I'm listening now, it is different this time Addison."

"Yeah, ok. I know- I just didn't think it was important and then it was and now we are here and oh, god…why did I let you talk me into this?"

"Because you are you and we both know that that you would rather be here than anywhere else in this town."

Pulling her hand back she smoothes out her skirt and takes a deep long breath of the clear air. "Right, ok let's do this."

"One condition."

"What?"

"I get your hand. Tomorrow you can walk in there all self sufficient and proud but today I get to gloat a little because I got you back, deal?"

She wiggles her fingers back into his grip and agrees before they step foot onto the short path below them. Taking steps in stride they reach the doors and both enter without hesitation. The show is on.

**_-----_**

The first one to spot them was technically Nurse Debbie but she was too busy off spreading the word to warn Meredith Grey, who happened to get stuck in the elevator with the new lovey-dovey couple. Upon entering she only noticed him. In abject horror she watched as he had someone pressed up against the wall of the elevator, her head hiding in his neck as he made light sucking noises. She pretended not to see him. She had heard mention of his cheerier attitude over the last few weeks and though they weren't talking she still felt as though they stood a chance. That was, at least, until she saw him detach himself from the woman's lips and slide against the wall still grasping her hand.

She chokes on her own throat before she can greet Satan and the taller woman speaks first. "Dr. Grey, good morning."

Derek mimics her and then there they are. The three of them in the world's slowest moving elevator. Addison feels slightly flushed is only half embarrassed by their public display of affection. The other half of her, and she would freely admit- the more childish side of her is basking in the resident's gloom. It's a little petty but on her first day back to work she couldn't have asked for better. She lets her smile shine through as Derek toys with her fingers until the soft chime of the doors can be heard and Meredith springs from the elevator like a jack in the box.

"That went well." She laughs as soon as the doors close and they are left alone.

"Hmmm, indeed." Pushing her back into the wall he whispers, "Now where were we?"

"Derek- Derek! Haven't you had enough?" She pushes back against his chest and then gives up, defeated as his lips find hers.

"Nope." He grins and then deftly moves his hand up her shirt with the skills she thought he had long forgotten. She lets the moan escape her mouth but stops short as she hears the annoying ding again.

"You know I heard something about McDreamy not being an ass anymore but I didn't think that you were the reason. Get a room and not an on call room either. I won't be having any of that nasty on my floor." Miranda warns stepping in to break them up. She glances back towards the pair and tries to hide her smile; it's about time they pulled it together. She only got to see how miserable Derek was in the wake of her absence and she couldn't imagine that Addison was any better. Silently she gives them a nod of approval before heading off to yell at her minions.

**_-----_**

"Good morning Addison." Richard calls from the end of the hall as the pair moves toward him. He figured that he'd get Derek too and have to put up with the annoyingness that was their honeymoon year. He's prepared this time. Mentally has gone through the list of places to knock before entering and to never question where they are when he can't find them. He'd learned his lesson more than once and he certainly wasn't about to repeat those judgment errors.

"Hello Richard." She extends her hand in a formal fashion but quickly abandons the thought when he pulls her into a hug. "Thank god you are back." He whispers as they part.

"It's good to be back."

"Well, let's go visit the staff again. There have been a few changes since you have been gone. Derek, you're going to have to let go now." Richard moves forward giving them a few minutes before turning the corner and waiting at the nurse's station.

"Derek. I can't do my job with only one hand." She shakes free growing a little perturbed by his persistence.

"I bet you could but I'll leave you be. Remember our deal."

"I'm fine. I'll go meet my staff, do some stupid paperwork mountain again, resign my contract and I'll be lucky if I am on the floor by the time the day comes to an end."

"You know where to find me."

"Yes, I do. Now go." She turns her head preparing for him to kiss her cheek in departure but is instead finds warmth in his lips seconds later. Somehow she likes this new tradition better than the old one.

"Lunch?" He calls out as soon as she starts stalking away.

"See you then."

**_-----_**

"I can't believe she is back. What do you think happened?" Izzie asks while munching on an apple. An emergency meeting of the group was called to handle the imminent problem of the She-Shepherd's return. Even George managed to pull it together long enough to join the group that sits about ten feet away from the pair.

"Who cares? If I get put back on the vagina squad I swear-." Alex remarks leafing through the magazine next to him and trying not to care.

"Oh please Alex, who are you kidding? We all know you would kill to get back under her good graces, as if the closet sex didn't ruin that." He stands gaping, thinking that for sure no one had heard about that little secret as she continues, "50 says this is just a big prank." Izzie quips causing Cristina to choke on her water.

"Barbie, look at them would you? I mean before they could hardly stand to be in the same room and now they can't keep their hands off of one another. This is not a joke, well it is some sick and cruel twisted joke but 100 says they're in it for good."

"I put money on them breaking up within the week." George pipes up reaching for his wallet.

"I'll get in on that. One month. I bet they can hold out on month before the world comes toppling down and they realize what they have done." Izzie states trying not to glance at Meredith who has curled up into a ball in her chair trying to face the window.

"Three weeks." Alex mutters still pretending to be uninterested.

"I bet they are remarried by the end of the year." Cristina quips and leans back in her chair watching them.

"Meredith, I bet it's nothing. He loves you. Just wait it out." George replies trying to ease her fears.

"Bambi don't fill her head with nonsense. Naivety kills."

**_-----_**

For the most part Addison was dead on. She didn't make it out onto the floor with patients until the next day and every fear she had was confirmed and doubled. There was talking, teasing, taunting, whispering and it was all more unnerving than high school for her. Stepping onto the elevator a little deflated a few days later she runs into the last person she had been wanting to see. She has managed to avoid him by ducking into empty rooms and spending more time than necessary in the NICU. Unless accompanied by Derek she had yet to see him and as watches the doors close she knows that she is caught.

"Mark." She says rolling her eyes and jabbing at the desired button.

"Addison." He replies and they ride in silence until Mark can't take it anymore. "What are you doing back? What are you doing with him?"

"None of your business."

"You really think this is a good idea Addie, you think that he won't be enamored for months even years…before he gives up on you again?"

"No one can know that for sure Mark. He says he's changed. I have to believe him."

He shifts and leans against the railing. It's not fair, after everything he has been through trying to get her back that Derek wins again. He's so sick of Derek winning at everything in their life that he feels like he is about to explode. "You're taking his side. After everything!" He shouts back at her. He wants to tell her about the bet; tell her about how Derek used to bitch about her back in New York but he can't. He won't ruin her happiness.

"None of your business Mark. Accept it and move on, we have. That's all you can do." She glides from the elevator seconds later leaving him alone and angry at the world. He and Derek had been getting along just fine and then suddenly Derek turns into Mary fucking Poppins and can't be found for weeks at a time only to return with the devil herself. Some luck.

**_----- _**

As the weeks wear down they find a pattern, they find something that works for them. Derek sets aside nights that he demanded to have off for dates and Addison spends as many lunches as she can in his graces. Several of their lunch meetings usually leading to on call rooms she feels more than revived after a long day when she is wrapped in his strong arms. Nuzzling her face into his neck he strokes her bare back before checking to make sure they locked the door this time, (last time leading to a little discomfiture for both them and Dr. Stevens).

"Addie?"

"Hmm?"

"You sleeping? You have a surgery in an hour, you can't sleep." He runs his fingers down her spine earning a quick gasp and a little wiggle before she tilts her head back up and makes a frustrated face.

"I'm not sleeping. Now stop that." She swats at his hand quickly and then gives up and rolls back into him.

"What do you want to do for our season?" He whispers taking in her scent. The last month or so has been the best that he can remember. Dead set on not messing up anything he has been more than devoted and rediscovered all the things he always loved about her and some new things that he never noticed in the later years. He prefers to not think of those times because they usually lead to some serious self doubt and guilt but on occasion he will knock back a glass of scotch and have a reflective moment vowing not to lose her ever again.

"Our season?" She returns pulled from a sleepy daze and suddenly realizes that she hasn't given any thought to the impending holiday. Thanksgiving came and went without too much thought because of all the holiday emergencies. They spent the evening with some pizza and beer and remarked over how untraditional they were and then decided that they liked it better the new way.

"Well, yeah. I know mom would love to have us back in town but if you are uncomfortable with that then we can just stay here. Pick up dinner, do our shopping and mail it all back. Whatever you want, I want."

"What do you want Derek?"

He shrugs and pulls her closer when she tries to pull away to get dressed. "I think I would like to stay in town, if that's ok. I'm not avoiding them or ashamed or anything…I just, my family is crazy. You know this and I think we deserve some peace and quiet for a change."

"I like the sound of that."

"I think I owe you French food and some shopping." He kisses the top of her head before letting her stand and basking in enjoyment while she hunts for her clothes.

Finding her shirt on the top bunk and on of her shoes hanging tediously from the window sill she takes a good last look at the man she came back into town for. He was worth every second of pain, every ounce of guilt and self consciousness. She doesn't realize the smile she's wearing until he asks her what is wrong. "Nothing." Her mouth remains open while she pauses and then she is blurting it out before she can stop herself, "I love you."

Sooner than she can swallow the lump in her throat he returns her sentiment with his own grin that could light up the night. "I love you too."

Giggling she strips the shirt she had pulled on and works her way back to the bed. It feels like the first time they said it all those years ago and the weight of the words is more than enough to make her feel wide awake and aroused. Leaning down she drags her nails across his chest pulling the sheet as she goes. Finally she settles herself straddling his lap and slowly sinks down onto him until he fills her to the brink. She pushes her hips forward and then lifts again. Inch by inch she slides down and he traces her hips softly. He tries not to thrust or squirm with the heat they are gradually building. It isn't about the sex this time. It's about the connection and he is more than happy to lay back and watch her enjoy herself.

Her head falls back and she arches her back hard as she lets a long moan escape her lips. His fingers roam up her sides and tease her hardened nipples until she groans and picks up the pace. As she grinds against him he returns his hands to her hips pushing her to continue on the scorching pace that has been set.

Freeing himself as her muscles begin to tighten, he finds her clit and rubs furious circles until she gives in and comes nearly screaming his name. Her hand subconsciously covers her mouth and she bites down as he helps her ride the waves. He explodes seconds later sending her back over the edge again and then he removes her hand giving light kisses to the perfectly etched teeth marks.

Spent and heaving she collapses onto his chest. Their skin slick with sweat he cradles her in his arms and repeats the three words that just gave him some of the best sex of his life. She says nothing but she doesn't have to. He knows that they have finally pulled it together and this time everything is going to go according to plan. He will give her the dream.

**_-----_**

"Hey." She greets Callie with a warm smile later that week. Somehow in the mix up of getting started and spending time with Derek she has seriously neglected her best friend in town and when Derek mentions something about a gentlemen's night with Richard she is quick to jump on the idea. The table is set up on the deck and she watches as the boys pull the pieces from the box and set up the board.

After a few days of silent treatment Mark finally came to his senses and then promptly threatened to kill Derek and throw him in the bay if he did anything wrong this time. Squabbles and gossip aside he sits wedged in between Richard and Derek when Addison returns.

"Ah, Derek come on! You said guy's night." Mark begins.

"Well that kind of puts an end to my being here doesn't it Richard?"

They turn to find none other than Erica Hahn storming the steps with her game face on.

"I brought a friend." Callie murmurs as they all take a seat.

"She cheats." Derek notes before handing out the allotted money and letting everyone pick their game piece. Derek chooses the car, Callie the wheelbarrow, Richard claimed the top hat, Mark the cannon and left the horse for Addison. For some reason that no one could figure out Erica chose the iron and was currently kicking everyone's asses three hours later. Derek and Addison banded together citing house rules that saved them more than once from having to pay each other's rent. Officially eliminated Mark now serves as the bar tender and referee.

"She can't do that!" Callie screeches as Erica moves her piece and demands more money for her growing stock.

"Callie you landed on her Park Place hotel ridden property. You have to pay up." Looking down at her depleting stack of money she flips the board into the air causing a fit of laughter from Addison's mouth as she turns to hide in Derek's chest.

"Whoa there tiger." Hahn teases reaching for her beer.

"Torres." Richard scowls. He was in a close second place, well as close as second place could get.

Callie blushes and huffs as she sits down. "That game is crap. We need something more modern out here in the woods. Something like…_Trivial Pursuit_ not something stupid and chance based."

"Hey there's strategy in _Monopoly_, Torres." Erica laughs looking down at the scattered money. She brushes her lap free of a few houses and places her drink down accidentally brushing Mark's hand.

"We don't play _Trivial Pursuit_ anymore." Derek mutters playing with Addison's hair that dances in the breeze.

"Why not?"

Mark fills in as Derek spaces out smiling at Addison in the way that makes everyone else want to throw up or throw beer bottles at their heads. "Addison here is the queen of useless information."

"It's not useless." She counters coming back to life.

"She always wins. It's annoying." Mark continues. "So none of that. We could do _Risk_ or _Cranium_ or something."

"Oh, I would pay good money to see Mark Sloan do a 'Humdinger'." Erica snorts until his eyes met hers and he lets her know that he is damn sure going to show her later.

"Alright kids, break it up." Richard chimes in. "You know _Cranium _could be fun. We could do that next week. Need more people though but it's doable."

"Sure Richard." Derek replies before trailing his fingers up Addison's sweater covered arm. It's a little cold to be playing outside but with the help of a few free standing heaters and the warmth from the alcohol there is more than enough heat circulating.

Slowly they begin to disappear and Derek is flat out positive that somehow Erica Hahn is going to end up with Mark although Addison strongly disagrees and Richard refuses to comment. They stumble back into the trailer after cleaning up and bidding goodnight to their neighbor and friends.

Curled into each other in bed later that night he laughs when she yawns and still refuses to stop reading the journal in front of them both. They trade off, sometimes he reads things that he never wanted to know about uteruses and babies and other times she finds herself browsing the most innovative techniques that craniotomies can offer nowadays. A small price they figure for being able to spend quality time together. He brushes the back of her neck with the hand of the arm holding her head up. "Addie, you tired?"

"A little." She nods.

"You drunk?"

"A little." She blushes and snuggles deeper into his bare chest.

"Are you happy?" He asks and holds his breath for the answer. It hasn't been long. Only a few months and he feels as though he may be rushing her sometimes but, she said it best when she so eloquently worded that they don't have a lot of time left.

Her lips twist into a crooked sleepy smile and she replies, "More than you will ever know."

**_-----_**

* * *


	5. Why do we always say we're fine

A/N: I let a little angst creep in, just a touch but it remains pretty light. Thanks to my beta for checking my work and to everyone who comments. You have got me going form a set five chapters to probably seven but who knows. Enjoy!_**  
**_

_** -----**_

_Why do we always say we're fine, when it's obvious we lie_

_Why don't we ever tell the truth_

_What do we got to lose_

_And I don't know much_

_But I know about love_

_And how it hurts me to give up_

_It hurts me to give up_

_- The Classic Crime, "When the Time Comes"_

_**-----**_

"So how do you feel about dogs?" Derek broaches from his spot across the table as they share and evening cup of coffee two months later. Things have gone seamlessly and he is almost walking on eggshells daring it to fall apart. Then, then he wakes up next to her every morning and knows that this isn't going down in flames. Not this time.

She tilts her head to the side before taking another sip. "I like them I guess, what are you getting at Derek? You know I like dogs."

He runs his fingers along her free hand and finally waits until their eyes match up. "I was thinking that we could get a dog. It's been a while since Doc and he wasn't really ours, he belonged-"

"-to Meredith." She finishes for him but he moves on without a second thought.

"Yeah, anyway so I was thinking we could look through the paper or find a breeder or whatever. We just need something you know?"

"You better not tell me that this place feels empty without a dog because my shoes are currently monopolizing 75 percent of the storage space."

He swings his leg out from under the table and lets his sock clad toes pull open one of the cupboard doors revealing more clear boxes of shoes. "Try 90 percent."

"Oh!" She exclaims, dropping her mug and moving towards the cupboard before pulling out a box and stroking her hand over the top. "My Dior sling-backs. I have been looking everywhere for these!"

"Those ugly things are what you were looking for last week?" He mocks and reaches out to grab the coffee pot topping both of them off.

She fakes being offended and pretends to cradle the cream colored leather shoes in her hand. "Don't talk about them like that Derek, they can hear you."

"Oh god. I am terrified to see how you will be with our children. I knew you loved shoes Addie but I think therapy may be in order here. I might have to call Kathleen up."

She sets the shoe back down and places the box in its home before turning back with a forced smile and swallows hard. "I'm not that bad. So when do you want to look at dogs?"

"Was that too soon?"

"Was what too soon?" She pretends to play dumb and swirls her finger only the rim of the mug to occupy her nerves. She hasn't brushed on the topic of kids, in her defense it just hadn't come up and it isn't exactly something she is delighted to share.

"The whole bit about kids. We just always planned on having a family so I assumed, but if you aren't ready…or you know, if you don't want to…we don't have to…right now."

"Yeah, no. I know. I-I…"

"It was too soon. Sorry." He kisses the top of her head before heading to the bedroom.

She takes a deep breath as he retreats. It's now or never, well not never but there's a window here. She decided that it was going to be different this time. If she was going to give them a real chance to exist she was going to have to open her mouth. Standing she adjusts the edges of his boxers against her hips and heads off to find him.

She watches as he sorts through drawers to find socks and then she can't stop herself. "I can't have kids." Afraid to move, afraid to blink she stands frozen waiting.

He turns around confused, complete with a furrowed brow and shakes his head before slipping onto the bed. "We don't have to do that right now. I know you just got back into town. I feel like we aren't getting any younger, you know? And the thought of a little girl or boy running around kind of makes my day." He closes his eyes and lays his head back against the pillows motioning for her to join. She snuggles into his chest willing him to continue.

"In my head it's usually a girl. You and a baby girl. I don't know, it works better. So she has your hair." He runs his hands through her tresses as her breath catches in her throat. "-and your eyes. Tiny little hands, that will be made for cutting because she's going to be a doctor like her old man. And you'll try to make cookies and damn near burn down the house doing it and sometimes she'll cry and we'll yell but it will be perfect. Perfect because it's you and me and our family." He drags on making it even harder for her to voice concern.

"I-" She starts and then stops herself. There's no way she can shatter his world after a confession like that. Instead she rolls herself over him, straddling his hips and places light kisses on his lips. In seconds she is on her back with his hands working their magic in between her thighs. She moans out his name and he brings her to the edge, teasing before he slides into her.

**_-----_**

"What is that?" Callie asks staring down at the plant in front of Addison on the counter.

"Orchid."

"Well I can see that. Why?"

"I don't know." She shrugs and then continues writing in her chart.

"Aren't you going to read the card?" Callie asks reaching for it.

"Go ahead." She smirks knowing full well what awaits Callie on the inside of said card.

"_Add-_  
_Thanks for the special treat this morning. You're the best thing to happen to my world and I am truly blessed to be celebrating our sixth month anniversary twice with the same great woman. See you at home.  
Love you,_  
_Der_"

"Oh sick. Special treat Addison, I don't even want to know. And he calls himself Der?"

She laughs at the misfortune and then snatches the card away to see his scrawl with her own eyes. "He started calling me Add so I dropped to the first three letters of his name. Fair game."

"I thought he called you Addie."

"He calls me many things. Most not suitable for mixed company." She walks away with a little bounce in her step and her orchid while Callie calls out a resounding, "Ew." Today is their six month anniversary and he still has no clue that she can't reproduce.  
**_  
_**

**_-----_**

"Derek, where are we going?" She begs trying to sneak peeks around the tie he has used as a makeshift blindfold. She inhales the scent of him and relaxes in the passenger seat. Somehow he managed to get them off the board during the weekend for a much needed escape. It was one week late of their anniversary, not that they didn't celebrate, but it was still nice to escape the sterile environment and bad cafeteria food.

"I can't tell you, where's the fun in that?" From the backseat Addison hears their new dog, Graham whimpering in the back. At first she was opposed to naming any animal after something to do with _The Clash_ but it was that, Strummer, Stitch, Scalpel, or Mick. She settled on the least of all evils because they were definitely not naming him after a surgical instrument or procedure. After a while the liver spotted English Spaniel took to his name and Addison gave up. She feel in love with him the moment she met his big brown eyes, and although Derek would argue that she loved every animal in that shelter, she knew that he was theirs as soon as he barked his approval.

"You could give me a hint."

"No, because then you will just keep guessing until I give in and tell you."

"True. So?"

"Oh fine." He says readjusting his hands against the steering wheel. "You know that one place we went with the bed and the fireplace and the room service?"

She grins widely as she remembers that they seldom left the bed and that's kind of the only point of the vacation they can collectively recall. "Yeah."

"Not there."

"Derek!"

"Addie, stop ruining the surprise. Just relax, sit back and let your husband do something nice for you for once."

"You-"

"Sorry, knee-jerk reaction. Boyfriend." He drums his fingers on the dash before reaching for her hand and giving a quick squeeze to assure her that he isn't headed off into the woods to hurt her.

"Right." She whispers as she feels his warmth radiate through her flesh.

**_ -----_**

"It's…it's…" She stutters as he pulls up to a log cabin somewhere in the middle of the trees.

"I know, it's the outdoors but I wanted to bring the dog and this was our best option. Hate me?" He asks sliding his hand across hers and undoing her seatbelt in hopes that she will move.

"It's beautiful."

"Yeah?" He watches as she gracefully steps from the car and nearly shuts the door on Graham who bounds over the front seat to get out.

"Yes." Walking slowly towards the cabin she feels the guilt set in again. Pacing she makes her way to the door and waits for him and the keys.

"Alrighty." He pulls the key free of his pocket. "Are you ready for a much needed vacation Dr. Montgomery and Mr. Graham?" He reaches down and ruffles the dogs collar before swinging the door open.

"Absolutely."

And she was. But spending the entire weekend under him, on top of him and in various other positions she didn't even know existed was just the ticket to making her feel worse as opposed to better. Heaving, he rolls off her and tugs the sheet across their flushed skin. Instinctively she turns into him and places her head on his chest.

"That was-" He starts.

"As amazing as the last ten times."

"We haven't lost our touch yet." He smirks running a finger along her arm.

"Nope."

They fall silent both lost in their thoughts while not knowing that the other was thinking the same thing. "Derek-"

"Addison-" He begins at the same time.

"Sorry, go ahead." She motions and then looks up at him, imploring him to go first.

"Well, I was just thinking…you know about the kid thing again. And it's been six great months and I fully intend to make it sixteen hundred more great ones. We're doing amazing. I feel like we are…we are just-"

"I know." She stops him sighing as she waits on the inevitable sentence.

"I think we are ready. I'm ready." He finishes and then holds his breath until her lips start to move. Lingering, he places a quick kiss to the top of her head and then relaxes against the pillows.

"I-I…can't."

"Too soon still?" He questions almost wondering if perhaps all those years of saying she wasn't ready was her way of saying she didn't want kids.

"No, I can't. I'm sorry." Standing she wraps herself in the disheveled sheet and makes her way to the bathroom before the tears come cascading down. It's one thing to feel insecure on your own about the situation. It's another entirely to ruin someone else's life and fear that they will leave you the instant they find out. She did her best to convey the message but seconds later there are light knocks on the door and she pulls it open knowing full when that he won't leave her alone until she does.

"Addie?" Completely perplexed he pads over to her and tugs until she crawls into his lap and soaks his bare chest with moisture. "What do you mean you can't? Like you don't want kids anymore?"

"No." She aches out somewhere at the decibel level above a whisper.

"Ok. You want kids?" She nods and wipes at her face. "Now?" Another nod and then finally it clicks. "You can't have kids with me." He states and then pulls her tighter when she nods again. He waits until she calms down again using the time to think of something ingenious to say; something to make this all better. He's got nothing. Rocking back and forth slowly they cling to each other watching as their dreams drift out the window and into the cold foggy night while she repeats how sorry she is over and over until he wants to scream.  
**_  
_**

**_-----_**

"There are other options. I looked and there are lots of choices Addison. We could even adopt. There are plenty of children out there without a home and I'd be lucky to have one of them." He says staring at their cereal six weeks later. The subject has mostly been off the table as far as conversation goes but every time he sees her with a new baby or walks by the nursery he feels as though his biological clock is going to explode.

"I know."

"Well, what do you think? I could get the papers; I mean we could at least get the ball rolling."

"Sure." She says stirring her muesli and looking toward the trailer door.

He knows she's indifferent to subject and he has been gentle with it but there must be some compromise. "You don't want to do that, do you?"

"I do. It sounds great."

"You're lying to me. This-" He motions to the blank space between them. "This doesn't work if you lie to me Addie. We came too far, worked too hard for it to go back to the way it was. I love you and if you say no then I'm not going anywhere. Ten kids, no kids or just Graham I'm in for life. So talk to me."

She lets out an impatient huff because clearly he knows her too well and has an inarguable point. "It's selfish."

"Well, that's human nature. So spill it and then we can go to work, alright?"

"Fine. It's just…I want a baby."

"Adoption agencies have infants Addison. There are millions of babies."

She moves her hand over his and hides her face by turning away. "No I wanted to carry a baby. I wanted to feel the kicks and have him or her jumping on my bladder every ten seconds. I wanted to drive you crazy with food cravings and be an emotional rollercoaster as I grew bigger than a whale. I wanted the experience and…I waited too long."

"Oh." She drops his hand and makes her way down the short hallway to the crowded bedroom in search of clothes. Waiting a few tentative seconds he walks in behind her and snakes his arms around her waist hugging her from behind. "I'm sorry Addison."

"Not your fault."

"It's not yours either."

**_-----_**

Resting on her stomach two short weeks later Addison lies above the mess of paperwork spread out on the bed. Dropping his keys onto the counter and shrugging off his coat Derek suddenly plops down next to her with a huge grin. "What?"

"You're looking." He says pointing to the papers.

"Yeah, well…I just…pick a country." She sighs shoving some of the sheets his way.

"A country?"

"Yeah, you know. China, Russia, anywhere…Africa."

"Oh, ummm…well which one do you like best?"

"I kind of liked the idea of sticking with our own country but it can take years and Russia is much faster. I mean, not that that should mean anything but-"

"No our time is important. I get that. Russia it is. Although we are pretty damn good candidates…we are both doctors after all." He teases before continuing, "I hope it gets a name we can pronounce because us trying to learn Russian would be a disaster. We would be offending an infant before it even had a chance to like us." He jokes and pokes her in the side as she reads intently.

"Hey. I'm working." She giggles.

"Working is overrated. Play with me Addie." He states moving above her and ambushing her sides until she kicks and screams for mercy.

"Say it." He demands.

"Uncle, uncle, uncle!" She shouts back rolling over to face him.

"That's what I thought." He replies before she wraps her arms around his neck pulling him into a rough kiss. Ripping his shirt from his pants she carefully pushes the papers to the floor and watches as he kicks his way free from his boxers and begins undoing the knot in the tie of her black robe. "I can't wait to have a kid with you." He whispers before taking her nipple in his mouth and slowly swirling his tongue until she moans her reply.  
**_  
_**

**_-----_**

"Get up sleepyhead." Derek states as he nudges her in the side.

"Derek, go away." She murmurs hoping he'll start breakfast or a shower.

"Addison, you have to get up. We are going to be late and not in the way that I like to be late…you know unless-"

"No." She declares scrunching tighter into a ball and buries her head in the pillows feeling his weight lift from the bed and walk away. Her stomach twists into knots and she curses herself for volunteering to work in the pit with the damn flu outburst. "Stupid, stupid, stupid," she grumbles and takes another look at the clock before drifting off.

"Addison. Come on." Derek asserts starting to grow irritated. By chance he runs his hand along her forehead and grimaces at his tone as he feels the warmth. Reaching for the phone he calls her in sick and pulls the blanket tighter around her shoulders.

"Derek?" She asks watching his retreating figure.

"Yeah honey?"

"I don't feel good." She tosses onto her back and tries to sit up and not pout. Being sick has never been her strong suit. Something about being helpless and ill doesn't sit well with her.

"I noticed that and I called Richard. He said you were silly to help out with the flu epidemic even if you were bored because now you have ruined his schedule and-"

"Great." She moans swinging her legs out and looking for some spare scrubs to wear in. Looking nice is feeling like a waste of time.

"No, no. You are staying home." Derek returns pushing her onto the mattress without any fight from her.

"I can't. I have four surgeries and god know how many deliveries plus I have all of Yang's stupid interns today because she needed the day off and I volunteered to take them solo and-"

"You're a busy bee. Noted. Now sleep. I have to go in for a few hours but I am going to take the afternoon off and we will watch stupid talk shows and enjoy some nice hot soup, alright?" He kisses her cheek and stands again waiting until she begins to breathe deeply and evenly.

**_-----_**

The flu notion was short lived after Derek never caught it and she became sick more frequently then she liked to recount. They had filed with numerous agencies and had just gotten the call a week before bringing excellent news of twin boys. Neither one had to even ask before they screamed, "Yes!" into the phone and set out to make travel arrangements for what would be the beginning of numerous travels over seas. It was difficult and they knew better than to get their hopes too high but as soon as the phone was returned to its cradle they couldn't stop the smiles from jumping onto their faces.

"You sick again? Damn girl." Bailey states as she swings the stall door open at the behest of Dr. Torres who said something was definitely wrong. Addison wasn't listening to anyone's opinions and she certainly wasn't forthright with her own.

"I'm not sick."

"Really, because leaning over a toilet four or more times a day would kind of lend me to believe that you are having problems unless your skinny ass has decided to turn bulimic on us."

Sitting back she pushes her hair out the way before heading to the sink to rinse her mouth out. "I don't know what's wrong and I-" She drags out before swishing and spitting. "I don't want to upset Derek if it is something so I just keep thinking it will go away."

"That's reasonable but it doesn't mean you shouldn't take care of yourself." Miranda states leaning against the counter and watching the taller woman attempt to fix her makeup.

"I know that, I'm a doctor too. What if it's something though? I mean I don't like to think it is anything like…cancer but we just got that adoption and Derek's so excited, you should see him and I just don't want to ruin what we have going by getting sick. Miranda, I can not get sick right now. It's too important, I finally got-"

"You so damn stupid."

"Excuse me?" Addison returns before being drug out of the room by her arm.

**_-----_**

"See." Miranda says as the points to the paperwork while Addison dangles her bare legs from the exam table. "You're stupid."

"I'm…I'm, that's not right. It can't be right." Crossing her arms she lets out a little sigh as the dates and symptoms match up in her head. Sighing she adds, "I'm stupid."

"Tell me something I don't know."

"I can't tell Derek." She whispers.

"I think you are going to have too before it gets rather obvious. I can't believe he hasn't said anything yet the way he is attached to your hip and all." She pauses hearing a knock on the door and a familiar persistent male voice on the other side. "Speaking of."

"Don't let him in here." Addison nearly shouts before crossing her ankles and growing self conscious.

"He's your…whatever he is…whatever you two are. He deserves to know Addison. Do the right thing here." Without another word her short statue is replaced by Derek's hand wringing one.

"What happened, what's wrong? I should have noticed. You've been weird; I just thought you were excited about the twins and I…are you okay?" He rambles on worriedly before she takes his hand.

"I'm fine Derek. I was having Miranda make sure it was just a bug, the stupid flu virus thing." She laments looking away and hoping he doesn't catch on.

Running his fingers through her hair he pulls her into a hug and replies heavily, "You have to tell me when things are wrong Addie, so I can help. You're sure you're okay?"

"I'm fine."

**_-----  
_**

A/N: Kind of clichéd, I know but I figured why not? Next chapter Derek will find out.

* * *


	6. One day we all go down

A/N: Once upon a time there was an outline for this. The story will go to show that, against my better judgment, I have discarded said outline and am now winging it for a little while. So yeah, thanks for all of the comments (I blame you all for making it longer and well my own inability to squeeze a story into five parts) and thank you to my beta for the encouragement and fixing. Enjoy!

**_-----_**

**_One day it all comes down to this_**

**_You can sink or swim_**

**_You can handle this_**

**_One day it all comes down_**

**_One day we all go down _**

**_- The Classic Crime, "The Fight"_**

**_-----_**

Gripping the sides of the white porcelain toilet Addison heaves one last time before relaxing in the cramped trailer bathroom. Truly, it would be much more advantageous to be able to stretch her limbs out and relax her tired body against the cool tile but this would have to do for now. Light rapping against the door alerts her that Derek is awake. "Just a minute." She calls and grabs her toothbrush, turning on the sink, before pulling open the door. 

"Morning." He grins before catching her reflection in the mirror. "Add, are you really okay? You look green."

The color reference nearly sends her over the edge again or maybe it is the sweet taste of mint against her gums, either way she bites back and swallows before replying. "I feel fine Derek. What do you have on the board this morning?"

"Nothing good. It's kind of slow lately."

"Tell me about it." She remarks silently thanking whatever deity it is that still has her for the boredom because rushing about the halls in tall heels and designer clothing doesn't work out too well when you feel nauseas eighty percent of the day. It's been two weeks to the day she found out and the morning sickness has slowly crept into an all day sickness.

"Have you let the dog out yet this morning? He is looking all kinds of pitiful by the door."

"Oh, sorry. I must have forgotten. Sorry Graham." She calls and his ears perk when he hears his name before he returns his mouth to the bone shaped chew toy in front of him.

"What time are you supposed to be in?" Smiling he reaches around her for his own toothbrush and accidentally brushing against her robe clad breasts.

"Watch it." She snaps before blushing and turning away.

"So I take it you aren't interested in sex again this morning? We are going to have to get a hobby at this rate, what with all the free time we have." He jokes and pokes her in the side as she tries to wiggle out of the small space.

"Maybe I don't feel like having sex every ten seconds like you, ever think about that?"

"Uh…well, no. You used to…never mind." Derek gives up rationalizing. It must be the time of the month where hormones are absolutely everywhere and making things logical that come out of her mouth is a waste of time.  
**_  
_**

**_-----_**

Three mornings later Derek awakens alone, per recent protocol and waits this time for her to finish getting ready before annoying her. Her wrath has been borderline unmanageable and he is fairly certain that it is supposed to be over by now. Rolling onto his side he lightly strokes Graham and looks over their flight information again. He grins looking at the photos of the ten month old identical boys. It feels good to finally be a father.

Waiting ten more minutes he sighs and shuffles to the bathroom because he is running out of time to get ready. He knocks, like he always does, and is greeted by her smiling face, as he always is, moments later. "Morning." He says before kissing her deeply, hoping that she'll take the hint. Instead she pushes back against him and nearly misses the toilet before expelling the contents of what he can tell was already an empty stomach.

Brushing by him she scowls her thanks and moves to the closet intent on getting past the little snafu without having a discussion. Moments later he is wrapped around her waist and reaching for her forehead. She pushes his hand away glaring and reaches for her shoes. "Get off of me."

"I thought you liked me on you." He smirks clearly not getting it.

She shakes her head, trying to not inhale his familiar scent and moves away again only to be pinned by his frame against the edge of the bed. "Derek, I'm not in the mood and I'm going to be late as it is."

"You never used to mind being late." He counters trying to dig a little deeper.

"Well, I do now so move." She nearly shouts and hits his chest with her open palms when he doesn't budge.

"What is wrong?"

"Nothing. Stop it. Move."

"I may be a man and a fairly unintelligent one at that when it comes to girl flip outs but if you use your words I bet we can do this together instead of bickering every ten seconds over stupid things like you not wanting to meet me for lunch, the whole no sex/don't touch me thing, and the fact that ever since we booked those tickets to see the twins in a week you haven't said more than one nice thing in a row to anyone."

She's certain that if eyes could set people on fire Derek would have spontaneously combust in that instant and burnt to the ground. Removing her hands she straightens her skirt and replies, "I'm just stressed."

"About?"

"Work."

"Try again."

"Life." She relents and takes a seat on the bed when he doesn't walk away. Pulling her hands into his lap he takes the place next to her and feels Graham licking the comforter behind them. It's a weird fetish they have yet to break and he lets it go for the time being.

"Good, now let's elaborate."

"You aren't Kathleen so stop playing shrink. It's annoying and you have no right-"

"Give me the right. Talk to me Addie. It's scary to see you marching around with the angry face on and not know what to say when people ask what is wrong with my…girlfriend."

"People are asking?" He nods and she grumbles something inaudible before huffing and giving in the slightest bit. She wishes that in the last few years of being at this wretched hospital the inner highschooler part of her would let go and stop caring about what others thought. "I'm just worried that we will get over there and love them and then we won't get them or something will happen and nothing can happen right now, Derek. Nothing is allowed to happen to _you_ right now."

Quizzically battling his urge to laugh over her paranoia her brushes a few strands out of her face and whispers, "I'm not going anywhere Addison."

"I know, I do…I just- Ugh! I don't know." She stands unable to voice the reason behind everything and lets the tears fill her eyes before turning away to the closet again when they threaten to fall.

"Are you crying?" He ventures before being brave enough to stand up again.

"No." She says like it was the most ridiculous assumption that could have been made and then completely gives it away with a sniffle. Wiping at her stupid wet eyes, she silently curses the hormones and waits for his response.

"I'm right here Addie." Reaching for her trembling hands he places them against his chest so she can feel the rhythmic beating below his flesh. "Feel that?" Nodding she places her bleary eyes against his heart and draws in a deep breath for stability. "You're stuck with me, forever and ever." He gently places his lips to her head and kisses the still damp hair. She murmurs her apology for overreacting and they spend the rest of the morning in a blissful and somewhat tentative silence.  
**_  
_**

**_-----_**

"Don't you think the father should be around for this?" Miranda asks snapping on a glove and looking back at Addison on the exam table. "Oh, you haven't told him yet, have you?" She shakes her head and waits for the backlash.

"Where is your normal OB?" She asks instead deciding that it isn't really any of her business.

"I don't have one in this town. Even my PCP is in New York, and I know." She states throwing her hands up in defense. "I know Miranda and I swear after this I will find someone but I have been so busy…I just need you to check for me and tell me I can fly."

She shifts uncomfortably on the butcher paper and wriggles her feet anxiously. It would be better to have Derek here, someone to hold her hand but he has had his fair share of busy evenings and needs not to be bothered out of a surgery for a quick exam. As the days go by it gets increasingly harder to tell him about the situation. She watches as he secretly views the picture of the boys every night before going to sleep. He hides it in whatever he is reading and pretends to flip over and view the page intently even though she knows what he is doing. Wringing her hands she looks to the posters on the empty exam room walls. She purposely paged Miranda at the last moment, as she was the only one that could be trusted with anything of magnitude and now as the younger woman scowls at her she almost regrets it. "Don't tell anyone, please."

"None of my business. Now this isn't my specialty and I haven't done anything related to this field in years so you'll have to pipe up if I miss something."

"Just a basic exam. You're the best, I don't need to worry. I don't need to worry." She repeats more for herself than anyone else.

Yanking on her other glove and setting herself on the stool she prepares herself. "You owe me for this."

"I know and thank you…just thank you. We leave tomorrow morning and I couldn't in good faith leave without knowing…I'm telling him, I am."

"Uh-huh. Feet in the stirrups. There we go. You don't have any sort of rashes going on this time that I need to know about right?" She gets a head shake and a little laugh and presses forward. "I'm assuming you already know how far along you are and what the due date is?"

Gulping she nods, at least she thinks she did the math correctly. "Yeah, I think so."

"Ok. And your medical history-"

"I filled it out already."

"The labs sometimes take time-"

"I plan on waiting around myself and driving the lab tech crazy until he either gives them to me or lets me do them myself."

"Alright." Certainly being between a co-worker's legs leaves something to be desired but a little friend to friend help is never something she would frown upon. Instead gauging the nerves as her boss' hands tremble in her lap and shake the lightweight blanket over her knees; Miranda tries to ease her mind. "So, when exactly do you think you are due?"

"Somewhere near the end of September."

"I'd say that's a fair guess based on what I'm seeing." Silence temporarily fills the air. "When I got pregnant with Tuck I refused to acknowledge it for almost three months."

Grinning Addison lifts her head from the table, "Really?"

"Well, yeah. He came at a really bad time, professionally speaking but I wouldn't have it any other way. I doubted it for awhile but then I just knew. You are going to be fine Addison." She gives a light tap to her knee and continues on. "Being a mother, it's hard work and I heard something about you and Shepherd adopting and-"

"Yeah." She drops her voice thinking about the poor little boys in the orphanage.

"They're going to drive you crazy but if anyone can do it, it's you two."

"You think so?" Addison asks still very unsure herself and trying to take her mind off of the exam.

"I know so. You didn't wander back in to each other's lives thinking things would be easy. You two came too far to let something that you want be your demise."

"That's true." They've always wanted kids; it was all a matter of poor timing.

**_-----_**

Creeping into the trailer hours later than he planned Derek finds his "girlfriend" bent over a suitcase willing the zipper closed with her eyes. "Pack enough?" He mumbles and then gives her a hand.

"I want to be prepared. It's cold over there and we need to make a good impression what with the whole, we aren't married anymore but really love each other and don't discredit us because we live in a fucking trailer right now and really are probably too busy and consumed by our jobs to be allowed to have kids thing."

"I know, I think it's cute. Pack anything for me in there?" He asks hoping she took the initiative to know that he couldn't care less about being in jeans or slacks these days. Manhattan has definitely worn off and flannel kind of feels good against his skin.

"Yeah, I'm almost done. How was work?"

"Good. Almost lost one but he pulled through, a real trooper that kid." They both hate cases with children but she is far more used to sick babies than he ever has been with drilling into a kids' brains. She hugs him tightly sensing the tension.

"Thanks." He whispers.

"You don't have to thank me. Hell, I mean I was crazy this morning so yeah…no problem." She shrugs and turns back to the frustratingly small closet and drawers looking for her dark blue blouse, hopefully the one that will not feel snug and revealing unlike everything else these days.

"Feeling better?"

"Yeah, well I'd be feeling better if we had some more space in this thing."

"I know. We should look at houses, or maybe build a house out here."

"We aren't living in the middle of the woods forever Derek, I mean as much as I love having Richard as a neighbor I think I would much rather prefer to be able to walk around my house naked…and a bath tub, a real one would be nice."

"Oh, come on Addison. You know you secretly like it out here. A house could have a bath tub. I bet we could even get a contractor to break ground in the next few weeks if we so chose."

"No." She declares pulling out the shirt and stuffing it into the smaller suitcase on the side of the bed.

"Addison-"

"Derek, I said no. We aren't raising a family somewhere that bears make a habit of living."

He laughs and shakes his head before running a few fingers through his hair. "There are no bears out here Add."

"Fine cougars and don't you dare tell me that there aren't any of those. I wasn't born yesterday."

"You're being unreasonable." He teases trying to keep the tone light so she doesn't lose her cool. She spins around to face him and he already knows he went too far.

"Me, I'm unreasonable?" She asks moving forward without a reply. "What's unreasonable is that it has been nine months and we are still in a trailer! I've put up with it Derek, put up with the board games on our front porch when they should be happening in a room, put up with the fact that we can only take ten minute showers, dealt with the idea that every time Graham chews anything anywhere I will be able to hear it….I've been a good sport but now it's time to move on."

He looks around unsure of whether or not to try and touch her. "I thought you liked it out here, why didn't you say something?"

"Because you are a wood chopping, flannel wearing fisherman now and I don't want to make you mad at me!"

"Well you are doing a pretty good job of it right now, damn it Addison we agreed to make this work, to be honest with each other. You should have said something!"

"You should have known!" She shouts back just as quickly and places her flailing hands on her hips and tilting forward.

Keeping cool has gone out the window and into the trees and Derek feels like saying things he shouldn't. He feels like dragging up the past, feels like throwing it all in her face and asking her where the hell she can get off but he takes a second. Takes a deep breath and lowers his voice trying to remember what is important in life. "What is your problem? You better tell me now; I'm tired of dancing around whatever is wrong and having you snap at me all of the time."

"This trailer is the problem."

Pulling her hands roughly he places a tight grasp on her wrists pleading with his eyes for the truth. "Addison, I'm ten seconds from finding a hotel and letting you stay here alone tonight with the cougars and bears. So say it."

"I'm pregnant!" She blurts out taking her hands back and rubbing the red marks caused by Derek's hold.

His eyes dart from side to side watching her carefully. "What?" He asks.

"I'm pregnant." She replies sighing about how this should have gone differently. It was supposed to be a good and excited time not something that comes out in the heat of the moment but she can't take it back now. The knock on the door startles them both back to reality and Derek soon steps outside to confirm that nothing is wrong with Richard and to hand over Graham for the next few days. He tightens his mouth before returning and finds her curled up on the bed holding a pillow tight to her chest and attempting not to cry.

"Addison-"

"Go away Derek, go find your stupid hotel and leave me alone." She cuddles into the pillow farther trying to disappear.

"You're pregnant, really honest to god carrying our child in this moment kind of pregnant?" He sighs finding his way to the bed despite her protests and body language.

"No, I have an alien growing in my liver, what do you think?" She quips back quickly unable to stop her tongue.

"I think that you need an attitude adjustment and we need to talk. Sit up." He instructs and then gives up by pulling her into his chest. "I'll go first. When did you find out?"

Here's the tricky part. She could say this morning, she could look him in the eye and lie and really the past few years have made her a damn good actress or she could bite the bullet and take on the tsunami waves that will come. "About three weeks ago." She whispers and then tears away from him rolling onto her side again.

"Ok." He states fingering his stubble. It's a nervous habit and the gesture isn't lost on her.

"Ok?"

"Yeah, ok." He nods and runs a few fingers through her hair before sliding in next to her wrapping his arms around her daring not to reach out and touch the spot where their child is growing.

"That's it? Ok?" She asks again on the verge of another shouting match.

"Addison, I just got some news. Give me time to process." He murmurs and before either one can process they have drifted off to sleep. They lay in the dark trailer under the stars hidden by overflowing rain clouds, fully clothed and terrified of what the new day will bring.  
**_  
_**

**_-----_**

"Derek! Wake up now." Addison urges standing fully dressed next to the bed.

"Addie…ten more minutes." He murmurs trying to bury his head under the covers.

"Ten more minutes and we are going to miss our flight. Thanks for setting the alarm jackass."

Startled, Derek sits straight up causing Addison to jump back. He glances to the clock before turning into a tornado and emerging into the kitchen where she sits unpleasantly with a cup of water a mere four minutes later. "I'm ready." He announces.

"Cab is outside. We don't have time to say goodbye to Richard or Graham so we are going to look like-"

"Addison, I've been awake for six minutes. Save it for the flight." Kissing her cheek he stalks out of the trailer letting to door slam behind him and heading for the exhaust filled air in the distance.

**_-----_**

The flight to his dismay, at least the first half was spent in silence. He reached for her hand during take off and she snapped it back and focused on the reading in front of her and trying not to use the supplied barf bag. As soon as the fasten safety belt sign was turned off she sprinted for the bathroom and spent the better portion of the flight sending Derek away, insisting that she was ok without whatever he wanted to do to her.

Now as they deboard in a airport that they collectively hate for far too many reasons to mention but mainly limited to the fact that everywhere they needed to go involved some stupid train thingy and most of the time the part of the airport they needed to be in was on the other side of where they landed. "Stupid Atlanta." He mutters under his breath and before she can look away he catches her smiling. He grabs her hand as they exit and escorts her to a quieter area.

"Addison."

"Hmm?" She questions watching the people mill about her. Flashes and swirls of vibrant colors and babbling people overtake her mind and his voice falls somewhere in the background. Suddenly she is snapped back to reality by his insistent tone asking if she is okay. "Yeah, I'm better now. Hungry even."

"Well, we have about an hour if you want to grab something." He glances around and then realizes that their "concourse" has nothing of interest and pulls her in line for the train.

"I hate this place." She whispers into his ear almost seductively and he has to turn into her to glare…and to shield himself from the impending erection. It has been far too long for sex and now thinking about the baby on the way everything falls into place. Which doesn't change the fact of how much he longs to hear her lust filled voice reverberating and her warm moist breath on his neck.

"Addie." He growls and finds her hand again when it is safe to turn around. They board and ride silently until concourse E flashes overhead. Jointly deciding that Chinese was an awful idea and that T.G.I. Fridays was worse they forwent other ideas and maps and headed for their departure gate. Stepping off the train he almost loses her to the crowd and finds himself protectively trying to hold onto tight. Something about the mother of his child (soon to be children) being jostled in a careless group of travelers and airline workers makes his temper flare.

"Come on." He urges finding a nearby lounge. It's good enough.

Sitting at one of the empty tables he allows his eyes to graze down the black dress and rest on her stomach as she stirs her water with a straw. "Stop staring." She demands and waits until he finds his way back up to her. He mumbles his apology and takes her hand. "We need to talk about this."

"I know."

**_-----_**

* * *


	7. Wake up you faithless

A/N: This is sickeningly sweet, even by normal standards. We are talking cotton candy fluff here people. I give up on the outline, it will end when it ends. Thanks to BETA for the help and to everyone who keeps on commenting. Enjoy the holidays, the best you can. Thank goodness they are almost over. :)  
**_  
_**

**_ -----_**

**_It's a beautiful landscape_**

**_The sunset makes the coast look so clear_**

**_It's the kind that makes you heart break_**

**_But no one has those kind of problems here_**

**_And from the sagebrush comes a dove_**

**_It comes to take away the ones you love_**

**_In camouflage comes a dove, and it comes to take away the ones you love_**

**_Wake up you faithless, see your heartbreak gone_**

_- The Classic Crime, "Wake Up (Shipwreck)"_

**_-----_**

There's something about being stuck in a stupid airplane bathroom for the majority of a ten plus hour flight that makes Addison regret the day she gave the asinine speech about wanting to carry a life inside of her. There's something about the way the disinfecting hand soap smells that makes her regret flying all the way to Russia and there is something about the shifts in gravity that make her hate Derek's Superman-like sperm. Cursing the male species she makes her way to her feet and finds her way back to the right row. After being in the window seat on the way to Atlanta and having to get up every ten seconds she and Derek swapped spots.

Tucking her elbow in so as to not be hit by the beverage cart (again) she fingers through her carry on for something to listen to. Though somewhat technologically challenged Derek convinced her a few years back to learn what an Ipod was and as she shifts the earbuds into her ear and the stringy violins fill her brain she feels thankful. Thankful for having something else to focus on besides nausea; thankful for something to block out the screaming child in the background and finally thankful for the distraction from conversation. She feels Derek stir beside her and reach for her hand subconsciously scurrying from his dazed sleep.

"Hey." He whispers noting that the lights have been turned off as a majority of the passengers were sleeping.

"Hi." She returns pulling on the cord of the headphones.

"You feeling better?"

"Want me to lie and say yes?"

"No. Not at all." He pauses for a moment letting his eyes fall to her lap for the hundredth time that day. "Can I help with anything?"

"Bring anything that will knock me out?" She asks, a hopeful grin paving her face.

"Nothing you can take."

"Excellent." It was worth a shot. She lifts the music back to her ears and dares to glance at her watch. Being given frequent updates on their time zone crossings she has something close to 6:35 am Russian time which leads to another four or so hours. They gave up on talking because the discussion didn't lend itself to nosey ears and she didn't want to converse about marital things in a "room" of about two hundred or so other people. He agreed to disagree and let her be. For his part, the flight had been a pleasant one. He managed to get in some much needed sleep and do a fair share of worrying about their unborn child. Letting the nerves creep back in he reaches for a book to read.  
He flips through the pages of the novel he started at home, for the millionth time, until he finds the picture of the two boys sitting next to each other.

It was silly to hide it, he knows she knows that this is what occupies most of his "down" time. Simply staring at the matching pair of bright green eyes and dark unruly hair brings a smile to his face every time. They look the same to him but hopefully with the some help he will be able to tell them apart on his own someday. His eyes search the picture for things he may have missed but he has seen it so many times that he could recall it in a second.

Vitaly and Vadim. From there it was a whole lot of other names that he could never pronounce as well as Addison. Oleksandr, Mikhailovich and Nikolaevich (for their last name and their father's first and patronymic names respectively) to name a few plus their version of nick names Vadik and Vitalik but by the time his brain got to those it usually hurt so he stopped. Someone could show him later.

They look happy and his only wish is to get them home safe and sound and give them his best. Teach them how to throw around a ball or kick if they feel so inclined, how to read and study for the hard tests, how to cook better than their mother so that they won't starve under her care (though he dare not say that aloud) and how to be happy in a world that is hell bent on giving its very worst. At touchdown he grips her hand tightly never admitting that this is the part that scares the shit out of him. Something about potential landing gear not coming down and doing a plane's version of a belly power slide into an airport kind of freaks him out. Equipped with the English-Russian/Russian-English dictionary that will surely do him no good they deboard and cling to each other in the frenzy of activity.

**_-----_**

"Are you sure we are in the right spot?" She asks impatiently tapping the opened toe of her heel on the tile. Customs was an adventure in slow shuffling and trying to ask people to either speak in English or much, much slower. Neither really worked and how they got through it she is still unsure.

"Not really sure but sure enough." He states grabbing her hand again. He toys with her fingers, as they wait for the machinery to roar to life, in order to get to the hotel for necessary sleep. She huffs something in reply but he doesn't hear her. A small blonde child on his mother's hip catches his attention and before he can break away she has followed his line of sight. He gives her flesh a quick squeeze and a wide grin. "How's my favorite mommy?"

She grimaces and shakes her head before giving into the laughter. Mother is equally associated with his mom or maybe her own but definitely not herself. "Never say that again." She manages to get out when the giggling becomes too much.

"You are my favorite." He notes.

"Prove it."

Slightly shocked he turns into her and cocks his head lifting his eyebrows seductively. "Yeah?"

"No Derek, not like that. Not in an airport, god have some self restraint for ten seconds."

"Need I remind you that we haven't had sex in almost a month?"

Her mouth gaping she whacks his shoulder with a satisfying thud. "Derek!"

"No one here can understand us anyway." He counters with a huge smirk.

"That's your defense?"

She could verge into a nasty fight, pregnant and exhausted so he switches gears. "What did you have in mind?"

She points. "Getting our luggage before it disappears." She gives him her own smile and a little pout before he moves forward grumbling.

**_-----_**

Stepping out of the black car appointed to drive them to the hotel Derek turns scowling to Addison. "Do I even want to know how much this place costs?"

Giving him a wink and a tip to the driver she states a firm no and takes in a deep breath. "Ready?"

Reaching an arm around her waist they make their way up the walk and through the doors into the massive entry way. A huge stained glass ceiling rises high above as she steps onto the tan and gold flecked marble. Along the doom shaped wall that leads to the ceiling she finds a mural delicately painted with the sights of Moscow. She quickly makes her way to the receptionist's desk and manages to convey her desires through some rough Russian and finally a very nice man who spoke perfect English. She knew she choose this place for a reason, well other than the large bed and fluffy pillows that are calling her name in the suite.

The elevator ride was spent in a blissful silence both relishing the freedom from airport bustling. Slowly she slips the key into its spot on the door and smiles pushing the door forward. Kicking her heels in the opposite direction she immediately heads for the bed. Stripping free of her dress she decides that pajamas are overrated and she is far too tired to care.

Traipsing behind her, he watches bemused as she steps out of her dress and dives under the red comforter. "That's not fair." He remarks voiding his body of all clothing and climbing in after her.

"No." She mumbles when he begins placing light kisses along her jaw. Continuing downward he lets his hand graze the top of her lace panties and then tease feather-like touches along her stomach. "Derek…" She whines trying to roll away.

"Addison." He asserts finding the spot behind her ear that usually moves them from second base to short stop preparing for the slide at home.

"Too tired…please…stop…ooh." She suddenly moans in appreciation.

He grins lightly blowing over the area before returning his mouth and sucking gently. "Stop?"

She contemplates all of four seconds before catching a strong whiff of his aftershave and dashing for the bathroom. Waiting tediously for his arousal to disappear before heading out to search for her, he hangs his head and huffs. "Addie?" He calls finally standing from the bed and moving toward their luggage for anything to put on but the clothes he has been wearing for almost twenty four hours.

He doesn't bother knocking and finds her slumping up against the bathtub with watery eyes. "Hey now," he states bending down to her level, "What's wrong?"

"Nothing." She gulps trying not to cry over something completely ridiculous. Her hormones are driving her crazy places and she isn't interested in alarming him any further.

"Nothing has got you all worked up? Come on." He stands offering her a hand and helping her back to the luggage, waiting patiently while she rummages around for some shorts and a tank top. Sitting on the bed yet again, clothed, she faces him sitting cross legged as he draws random patterns against her calf. "So? That was…"

"A little taste of what the next six months will be like?" She offers with a meek smile.

Quickly doing the math he blurts out, "September."

She gives him a shy nod and his look implores her to divulge the reasons behind the stupid freak out. "I want to have sex with you."

"Ok, well that's good because you really had me curious for awhile there."

"Sorry." She murmurs beginning to wring her hands together. "I'm so tired and I can't. I want to and then…you have got to stop wearing aftershave because you are killing me…and did I mention I'm exhausted?"

"You did. We still need to talk though."

"I know, I know." She states growing anxious as the tears begin to fill her eyes again.

"Don't…umm…don't cry." Watching her grow agitated he pulls her closer until she is settled in his lap and nestled under his chin. He doesn't do well with the crying, still. More often than not he opts for leaving the room but that isn't an option here or ever again. He strokes her hair and waits until she is ready. "Why don't we start with the basics? The doctor stuff and then we'll move on ok?"

"Yeah, ok." She takes a deep breath of climate controlled air and mentally leafs through the information picking out the highlights. "So yes…uh. September 23rd which means we- on New Year's Eve…anyway. Don't know the sex yet, obviously and I just had Miranda do a really quick check yesterday before we left so I don't know much more. There's only one concern I have but I couldn't talk the stupid lab tech into rushing the results so I won't know until we get back and I don't want to stress over nothing, you know?" She continues on somehow without taking in another breath. "He or she is about this big and that's it..." She holds up her fingers to show the length and then gives him a quick smile before adding, "Are you mad at me?"

He may be many things in the moment including; sex deprived, sleep deprived and nutrient deprived but definitely not angry. "No." He asserts rapidly to ward off the moisture rising in her blue orbs again. "I'm a little shocked because, well, you know why but I am not angry."

"I didn't tell you. I treated you horribly."

"With good reason." He adds supporting her.

"It's not an excuse."

"Well, I'm still not angry. Can I…." He trails off moving his free hand from the tangled hair to her stomach. Pulling his arm she directs him to the right spot and savors his warmth against the place she has been longing to feel it. "We're having a baby." He whispers into her ear like it's a secret.

"I know." She gives him a few more minutes before shuffling off his lap and cuddling under the blankets again. Finally he shifts himself mirroring her position and protectively lets his arm rest across her hip and toy with the elastic on the purple shorts that kind of drive him wild. Before he can fully settle he is swept away into a land of good dreams and happily ever after endings.

**_-----_**

Carefully twisting her red tresses she finds the suitable spot on the back of her head to pin them. Everything needs to be perfect and having loose and flowing hair somehow seemed inappropriate. He's not questioning the logic as he tightens the blue checked tie over his white dress shirt. He watches as she gives a few last touches to her hair and swipes one more dash of mascara across her lashes before emerging in front of him wearing the proper dark blue knee length dress that makes her eyes sparkle.

"You're wearing that tie?" She asks nervously.

"Yeah, well you packed it and I like it and I think it matches, it matches right?"

"Yes. But you can't wear that one." He shakes his head perplexed and waits for her reasoning. "It's blue."

Running his fingers along the silk he exclaims, "My god! I'm colorblind, this isn't red? Call a doctor!"

"Derek." She nearly shouts at the childish act. "First of all it's red-green deficiency, you know that. And secondly, yes it is blue but I am wearing blue and we can't be too matchy-matchy. It would look horrible, like we are trying too hard."

"We are trying pretty hard."

"But we can't let them know that."

"I'm pretty sure they deal with desperate people all the time Addie." He stands taking her hands in his and swinging them gently. "The tie stays." He points to the mirror opposite the room and slips behind her. "We look damn good."

She relaxes her head against his shoulder and takes a shaky breath inward. "You think they'll like us?"

"I certainly hope so." He adds quietly.

Turning to face him she looks him dead in the eye before fixing a piece of his wayward hair that appears to hate Russian climates. "Do we, I mean should I tell them about-"

"I think we are going to have to. I mean it will be rather obvious next time we come back."

"What if they say we don't get them then? What if they decide that since we are having our own that we can't have them?"

"Are we verging on a flip out again?" He asks honestly and gets a rapid head shake in the affirmative. "Ok, well let's think here. Those boys, our boys Addison they don't have another family."

"I'm sure someone-"

"You know how long that takes plus there are two of them. I don't think they are going to discriminate because you are pregnant. They will applaud our miracle, I'm sure." He waits a second watching her relax and smile. "You think we can do this?"

"Three kids under the age of three?" He nods. "I think we are crazy but I wouldn't have it any other way. I love you Derek."

"I love you too." He places a longing kiss on her lips before pulling back breathless and explaining that they should probably get on with it.

**_-----_**

Much to Addison's relief the agency didn't seem too affected by their news and were still more than willing to move forward with the adoption. Their U.S. affiliate assured them that there was nothing to worry about and continued to explain the process as it would proceed from then on out. By the time they finish it was reestablished that there would be a court hearing, but it should not be an issue, and then they would have to leave and come back in a few months to pick up the newest members of their growing family.

As they stumble past hallways and into the meeting room Addison notices the bright colors and toys strewn about the empty room. It could be better. The surroundings leave a little to be desired and kind of make her want to bring home a hundred kids but it could be worse so for now she is happy that they appear fed and clean. Their minds remain boggled as they take seats next to each other and try to wait patiently. Potential worries that were not previously taken into account before the stupid phamplets and flyers were placed in their laps occupy a good deal of space along with the relentless paperwork and impending court date in two days.

She's the first to move; the first to gasp when the boys are brought out and placed in their respective arms. She has no idea which on she has and it doesn't matter. Her heart nearly explodes right then and there as he looks back up at her with big expressive eyes. Slowly he turns to his brother and mumbles some sort of Russian jibberish that no one can make out. One of the workers explains that the one and a half year old on Addison's lap is Vitaly and Derek has Vadim. He smiles and waits patiently until they begin to cry but it doesn't come. Instead Vadim reaches his pale hand up and tugs on Derek's curly hair earning a giggle from his brother who shifts in Addison's lap looking for her hair.

The caregivers and workers discuss things behind them until a young woman steps forward. "They like you." She explains plainly. Addison nods and then offers her hand to the baby on her lap to play with. "They are how you say…troublemakers?"

Derek laughs and looks over to her before detaching the hand from his hair. "Of course."

They have learned a few things about them already. They don't enjoy being separated at any time, it leads to huge tantrums and endless tears. Typically they are quiet and now mischievous which Addison thinks is quite fitting. Silent but deadly. They know ages, height, weight, allergies, medical conditions but none of it was real until now. Staring down at the boys Derek gives her a quick wink and then moves to the floor to explore the finer points of playing with dump trucks and race cars.

All she wants to do is snuggle the baby against her shoulder and feel his heartbeat against her chest but she relents and follows suit, doing her best to keep the blue dress in place. Before either one can look at a watch they are being removed from the room with an excellent review and reassuring words. She aches to dash back in and steal them away but she knows protocol. They have to wait it out but at least they have each other in the mean time. She couldn't imagine trying to do this all alone.  
**_  
_**

**_-----_**

Twisting back into her new favorite place below the covers she rolls onto her side and faces Derek later that evening. "They're pretty great."

"Yeah they are." He remarks setting the "book" (picture) back down on the nightstand and moving onto his own side to face her.

"I wish they could come with us now." She pouts letting her arm trace his bare chest.

"I know me too. But we have to do court and then wait until things are finalized. We'll have them soon enough, I promise." She nods and lets her fingers trail farther down.

"It's going to be hard."

"I wouldn't have it any other way. No one is a perfect parent but we deserve a shot at it." He eyes her suspiciously when she begins toying with the edge of his boxers.  
"Addie?"

"Huh?" She hums dipping her hand inside and rubbing him hard.

"You sure?"

"You wearing aftershave?"

"Nope." He smiles as she continues to work her magic.

Rolling on top of him she peels her shirt off and lightly places chaste kisses along his neck. Amidst a slurring sentence of moans and groans he manages to roll them back over and takes his time stripping the rest of her clothes careful to not push against her hips to hard as he slides into her. Moving slowly, in sync they finally explode together in a haze of colors and fuzz and lie panting until the ability to move reclaims their limbs.

Gliding to the side of the bed and wrapping his arm around her he whispers pleasantries in her ear until she gives way to sleep. He places a final kiss in her hair mentioning how much he loves her and then settles himself for another great night in Russia.

**_-----_**

* * *


	8. My addiction to danger

A/N: So I think I may have fallen off something dangerously high and hit my head but here we have it. Thanks to everyone for the feedback and my beta who assures me I am not that crazy. Enjoy- 

**_-----_**  
_My addiction to danger like the rush of the sea_  
_Like a wave on the rocks the lessons crash down on me_  
_I don't need to prove the world to you only to myself_  
_So step back and look away as I dive into the swell_

_I'm drowning but I don't care_  
_Because when you got what I got, what I got, what I got_  
_Who needs air_  
_- The Classic Crime, "Who Needs Air"_  
**_-----_**

Three days, two more visits to the orphanage and one quick court visit landed Derek and Addison back in the place they started. Twisting his fingers through hers as the shuffle along through security he lets his mind drift to all the changes that will have to take place within the next few months. Collectively, it was decided a home was a necessity and after throwing a few hundred dollars in the right direction the fact that they still presently lived in a trailer was completely ignored and they were assured that they would have two sons within the next six weeks.

"How are you feeling?" Derek asks sliding forward but carefully keeping an eye on her behind him.

"I'm fine Derek. It's morning sickness not cancer." Slowly they move their way to the appropriate gate in the early morning hours and prepare for the next ten hour duration.

Sitting down first he offers her a hand with their carry on and pulls out the picture from his book setting it on her lap when she finally joins him. "I wish they were coming back now." He states letting his hands fall over the creases and edges of the photo.

"Do you hear yourself?" She asks with a huge smirk. She was fairly certain when she married Derek the first time that he would be a wonderful father but now watching him struggle with their departure before they even make it out of the country she is positive.

"They're our children Addison. Don't you feel anything?" He asks feeling a little defensive. There was no way he was more attached to them then she was.

"I feel like throwing up on your favorite jeans is what I feel like." She pauses watching his smile drop. "I miss them too…but we have nine hundred and one things to get done so I think it is better this way. We've been so busy, we have nothing."

With a smirk he reaches into the bag by his feet. "We do have something."

"Oh, do we?"

Pulling the thick book from the bottom of the bag he sets it on top of the picture and lets her eyes read though the title. "We need names."

"They have names. Vitaly and Vadim. I know you can't say them very well, but you'll get it…eventually." She shoves the book back onto his lap not stopping once to flip through it.

"Addison?" He questions placing the 1001 or so names back in its home.

"What?" She snaps back looking away in a sudden strike of mood change.

"They said it might be better if we gave them more Americanized names. Children with odd names often struggle through out life and having them be adopted already sets them at a lower starting-"

"I know what they said. I don't need it repeated to me like I'm invalid."

"You're snapping at me." He reminds her just in case she hadn't noticed the raised voice among the presence of others.

"They don't speak our language, remember?"

"Wait a second. Time out here." He quips back throwing his hands up into the form of a 'T' before she rolls her eyes at the sports gesture. "We are not having a showdown in a Russian airport so let's hear it."

"Hear what Derek? It's early, I'm nauseous, tired and a touch cranky so I'm going to need you to be a little more specific than that." She asserts uncrossing her legs from their tangled position and swiveling in the hard chair to face him. Cautiously he reaches for her knee and waits a good ten seconds for the tension to disperse. Maybe they don't all speak Russian but intonations are universal and judging by the cold eyes straining to see them he is quite right.

"You're freaking out." He says softly waiting for a response.

"Am not."

"You so are. And it could be the hormones; I'm actually kind of hoping it's the hormones because you are not a mean person- at least not to me…most of the time."

"I'm not freaking out." She demands ripping her eyes away from his tired blue orbs.

"Then tell me the logic behind the flip out so we can work from there."

"It's not a flip out." She states a little more persuasively.

"Seriously? Are we going to sit here and run down the definition of a girl flip out or are you going to help me out here? I think, since you are tired and all we should probably skip the lesson and move ahead to the problem solving."

"Well, aren't you just a smart little teacher?" She questions taking her hand out of his and pointedly staring at the departures board a few feet from them. Suddenly a wave of emotions fills her eyes with tears and she swirls back to find him reading through the book on his own. "Derek?" She whispers.

"Yeah?" He asks dejectedly without looking up.

"I don't want to name them because…well, what if they change their minds? Or what if their mother comes back? I don't want to get too attached-"

"Their mother is dead, she's not coming back."

"You know what I meant." She chokes out as the tears try to bubble over onto her cheeks. Finally he looks up from the 'J' section he finds her eyes pooling and face distorted in an effort to remain calm.

"Addie." He states waiting for her to look up at him instead of down at the carpet. Conceding he lets his thumb trail under her chin to lift it and states, "It's final. Those are our boys and no one is taking them away from us or they will have to answer to me, ok?"

"Like you could-"

Knowing straight where she is headed he plainly says, "I'm a good cutter. Maybe I'd lose a fist fight but give me a weapon and I will make them look like a sheepskin rug." Wrinkling her nose a little she gives off a little grin and agrees reaching for the book.

"Sorry for the flip out."

"You are hereby granted one per day but there's a condition."

"What?"

"You need to tell me what they are about so we can fix it together. I know that I left you hanging a lot before-"

"Derek, we talked about that-"

"Stop cutting me off woman. Now, I know I left you high and dry plenty of times within the last five years but that is over. Not going to happen again. You have to trust me to help you out on occasion. I know you are part of that new fangled woman's right movement all about independence but I'm a little old fashioned and I like being able to help. Makes me feel useful." He finishes with a smile to match hers and goes to give her a quick peck on the cheek. At the last second she turns in and kisses him fully on the mouth slipping her tongue in when he gasps in surprise. Working slowly and savoring his taste she finally pulls back blushing. "And what exactly was that for?"

"For being you. For knowing me, you know all that jazz."

"Wanna do it again?" He asks with his brow raised.

"Nice try. Give me that book."

**_-----_**

Eight hours into the flight that wouldn't end Addison emerges from the bathroom yet again feeling slightly dizzy and more than exhausted. Live and learn she reminds herself and then realizes that she will probably never be pregnant again so the experience is kind of lost out on. She lets her feet drift toward Derek and finally collapses onto his shoulder nuzzling her head into his neck. "Hey there." He whispers into her ear.

"Hey yourself. This child is the spawn of Satan…and don't you dare say it."

"Nah, too easy. But in all seriousness- if it was easy, it wouldn't be our kid." He replies stroking some of the stray pieces of hair out of her face. "Two more hours."

"I feel like death."

"Warmed over?"

"Oh, haha. So funny." She cuts sarcastically and then clenches her jaw when the snack cart passes by them again. "How many times do they need to wheel that thing up and down?"

"Well there was one, two, three, four. Oh and you missed a few." He stops short after receiving a jab to the stomach. "Oh! Ok, ok. I got your point. You should drink something, at least try. I don't want to get stuck in a New York hospital overnight because someone-"

"Save the speech." She utters.

"I'm allowed to be concerned about you and our children. That's my right."

"Your right is annoying me and it is my right to tell you to shut up because I know more about this than any woman would ever want to know."

"I just want you safe and healthy." He mumbles pressing a kiss to the top of her head and running his free hand along her cloth clad forearm.

"I know."

"Ok then."

"Entertain me?" She begs looking toward the window and trying to stop the "room" from spinning.

"I have a list." He gives a quick flash of the trademarked smile and reaches for the baby book pulling a pen out in the process. "So I've got a few boys' names but like I said before I always pictured us with a girl so, I'm kind of hoping-"

"Me too."

"Really?"

"Yeah. I dunno. I have a feeling. I think it's a girl. Maybe I just want it to be, who knows. Let's see this list." She reaches toward the piece of paper and lets her eyes skim over the names. Among them are Alexander, Jason, Carter, Frederick, Matthew, Michael, Nicholas, David, James, Taylor, Braden, Cole, Henry, Jack, William, Collin and Mark to which she rolls her eyes and looks over at him waiting for an explanation. She gets, "He's Mark," and decides it should be left at that. Snatching the pen from his twiddling fingertips she slowly begins to cross off names on the boys list until there are only two remaining.

"Wait you actually liked things I picked?" He asks with a smirk.

"Don't ruin this. You have to keep looking anyway, just in case this one," motioning to her stomach, "is a boy."

"It's a girl." He states like his word is final in the matter.

"It's kind of a 50/50 thing and we are stuck with what we get so…let's keep looking…and I have a request."

Giving her a wink he asks, "Yeah?"

"Not like that Derek, you pig."

"I can't help it if I like what I see."

"Yeah well let's hope you keep liking what you see because it's about to all shift and be affected by gravity." She mentions scanning the girls side of his list and finding a few names she doesn't hate on principle or due to knowing someone.

"You are beautiful. You will always be beautiful. I don't care if you can't see your feet or if you walk like a penguin, it'll only make me love you more. Bring on the gravity." She shakes her head and gives a mock laugh before pointing out a name. "You like that one?" She lets out her affirmation in the form a nod and then lets his hand work its way across the seats and onto her stomach. "Well, Peyton it is."

"It could still be a boy." She mutters lacing her fingers overtop of his.

"It's not. I have a feeling." They absorb the moment in silence, his fingers drawing light patterns over her warm pale green sweater and her eyes glimmering with unshed tears. It may have taken a few years and a million wrong turns to get them where they are but in that moment she wouldn't trade any of it, even the thing with Mark. "What was your request?" He asks as the minutes tick by and the pilot announces their almost readiness for decent into JFK.

"They should keep their names, or parts of their names. It's their heritage and I don't want them to be…I don't know, embarrassed isn't the right word but I want them to know that they are special to us and we didn't want to-"

"I get it Add. I can hardly pronounce their full names though and if we stick a name in front of that and then a last name at the end it's just a mouthful. I know you have like eight names and-"

"Four." She amends without thought.

"I know, four." He repeats rolling his eyes at her correction, "but that's a lot to put on a kid. Could you imagine being three, because our children will be brilliant, and trying to learn how to spell Nikolaevich? Let alone trying to tell their teacher what their name is-"

"Maybe we just shorten that part." She suggests reaching for another book in the carry on before being yelled at by the flight attendant to please leave things under their proper storage space. "See, the patronymic name is their father's first name and in this case, also his middle name, or so they said, with a -vich on the end. So originally it would have been Nikolai and then Mikhail for their grandfather."

"That's a little better. I guess those aren't awful middle names." He shrugs pulling his hand away and trying to read for himself.

"Well, I would like if they kept their birth names too. I know Vitaly and Vadim are not popular here but those are the names that they are used to being called and I want-"

"Ok." He cuts her off handing the book back. At this point any sort of fight over names is ridiculous, as long as they get them safely home and the kids don't get saddled with something he can't shout out when a middle name is necessary, he doesn't really care.

"Yeah?"

"Yep. You teach me how to say it and it's a done deal."

"Thank you." She replies relaxing into her seat a little more as the fasten seat belt sign lights up.

"Anytime."

**_-----_**

Twisting through the hordes of people in JFK, Derek tugs insistently on Addison's arm. He knows they don't have very much time before their flight and there is one thing that has to get accomplished before they board again. "Derek, slow down. We have almost six hours, which thanks by the way for booking it that way because flying is my new favorite thing-"

"Hey, what's your least favorite thing in the world?" He tightens his grip on her hand as they move through a group of teenagers and he begins unbuttoning his black wool coat when the doors come into view.

"Surprises, you know that. Where are we going?" Being lead into the harsh sunlight of a spring day in New York she lets the breeze catch her loose hair as he hails a cab before reaching into her purse for a clip to hold the mess back with. "Derek, what are we doing? We have to be back-"

"Addison, shut up and go with it." Her questioning increases when he insists on whispering the directions to the driver and letting him speed off and turn up the radio to drown out her voice. Thankfully he got a.m. radio and was privy to catch up on all the sports scores he missed in the last week when the cab gets stuck in the inevitable traffic. Finally they reach their destination and he yanks her from the backseat while throwing a wad of cash over to the driver and thanking him for putting up with her whining.

"Derek!" She nearly screams while stomping the cream colored heel into the pavement. "There are parks in Seattle. This is ridiculous. We've wasted almost an hour getting down here and-"

"Take a walk with me." For nearly the hundredth time this vacation his hand finds hers like a magnet and works his fingers into her until they are perfectly molded like they were never meant to be taken apart.

Five minutes later after she is completely done with the New York scenery and people she states, "If you drug me all the way down here to prance around in heels there will be some serious payback Derek Shepherd."

"I do like the way you prance…but that is not why I thought we should daringly leave the airport and come visit the park." He stops as his eyes catch sight of a family in the distance taking a leisurely Sunday stroll, something that he and Addison used to do all of the time before work got too hectic and life too demanding.

"We are not in med school anymore. I don't need to visit memory lane."

"You are totally killing this for me." He murmurs as they approach the spot under his favorite tree.

"Killing what? The cool breeze of city smell?"

He paces along quietly for a few more strides dragging her every inch of the way. Finally he comes to a rest under the shade of a large tree whose leaves are turning a bright shade of yellow-green. The screams of children and hushed voices of parents and guardians can be heard in the background and farther off the traffic roars on but for now his world is standing still. He takes a final look into her blue eyes and knows he is making the right choice. The butterflies set in as she looks at him and shakes her head about to stalk away. "Addison-"

"What?" She huffs crossing her arms over her chest.

He takes a deep breath and blows it out tentatively watching her reaction as his face sobers to the idea. "I don't know a lot anymore. I thought I knew everything about you, about me, about how our life would go and…I was wrong. You've given me more chances than one man should ever get and I don't want to mess it up this time." Ungracefully he stumbles to one knee and simultaneously pulls the box he had one hell of a time concealing through security out. "Will you marry me…again?" He watches as she stares at the diamond encrusted ring and waits…and waits until his heart feels like exploding. "Say something Addie."

Finally the tears that have been backed up all day flow freely and she glances around as people begin to stare for the second time that day. There's nothing like a spectacle in the park on your lunch break to revive the brain and jog your sense of humor in the harsh world of New York business life. "I…I- you shouldn't, I can't, why?"

When his jaw fully drops onto the grass he regains consciousness and hears her stumble over putting a sentence together. "I want you to be my wife. You don't want that?"

Wiping at her face she sniffles and replies, "Well, it didn't exactly go over well last time. Why do it again?"

"I'll take that as a no." He stands suddenly and drops the box before her feet taking the opportunity to clear his head with a walk, or perhaps a jog would feel better. His legs pick up pace, slamming against the concrete, his laces becoming lose and his coat flaps freely behind him while he dodges through people. After a few thuds against his chest from his pounding heart, he hears her voice behind him shouting his name. He's half tempted to keep going, to cut his loses and feel like a failure but he turns around just in time to be ambushed by her moving toward him. Pulling her tightly into his arms, he relaxes before pulling back. "You shouldn't be running in heels."

"Well, my fiancé is an asshole who likes leave pregnant women crying in the middle of a park. I had to catch him somehow." He catches sight of the box in her hand and deftly gets it out of her grasp.

"So?"

"Yes, I will marry you but you better not-"

"I'm not going to promise that it will be perfect because that would be very unlike us. We're still going to fight and you are going to drive me crazy with your hormones and I'll probably want to rip my hair out when I come home and step on Lego's after a long day but I can promise that I'm not going anywhere this time and that I will always try to come home and crawl into bed with you, even if it's only for an hour."

"You just ran away from me." She counters as he opens the box and slips the ring onto the finger that was never meant to be bare. He's not asking where he other rings are because it isn't all that important and he knows that if he were her, he would have sold them and burnt the money.

"I would've seen you on the plane."

"You're ridiculous."

"You love me."

"Yes I do. God help us all." She admires the new shiny object on her hand. He may have proposed in the same exact spot but the ring is completely different. Though still gold it has far more weight to it. She lets her hand adjust to the sensation and then tilts her head up for the celebratory kiss that really can lead nowhere since he decided to do this before a flight. Her hands tangle through his disheveled hair and she feels his hands coming to a rest on her hips before moving upward and cupping her cheeks.

"I love you." He murmurs against her open mouth.

"You better because no one else can stand me. Hey, I have an idea."

"What?"

"My turn to be impulsive." Glancing at her watch she decides they have just enough time, hopefully.

**_-----_**

A few short hours later he takes a seat next to the red headed woman who drives him up a wall. He brushes a kiss to her temple and fastens his seatbelt. "So, Mrs. Shepherd what do we do now?"

"That's Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd thank you very much."

"Hyphenating again?"

"You know it." After a little convincing and agreeing to pay for a couple's honeymoon she finally got Derek into City Hall and they were married at 4:27 p.m. It was a bit of work but well worth the outcome. She explained that she didn't have it in her to do another wedding and now minus a father and having no one to walk her down the aisle the whole thing seemed like a waste of energy. Plus with one on the way and two due in two months they were going to be busy enough. He agreed that they didn't need anything but each other and piece of paper, he never felt (even through the bad when he gladly would have stabbed her with a scalpel) like he wasn't married to her.

"I'm glad you said yes." He grins.

"Me too."

"I have another surprise for you. Well, two. But remember that I am just trying to help."

Skeptically she looks him over and then closes her eyes and presses her head to the rest when the plane begins to tilt upward. "Ok."  
**_  
_**

**_-----_**

"Someone want to explain to me why the hell we are here again?" Meredith grumbles after being handed another vase of flowers for the center of what feels like the millionth table.

"Sloan paid me." Cristina pipes up.

"You got money?"

"Yeah, I don't do things out of the goodness of my heart. Where the fuck is Izzie? I'm not hanging this shit up by myself." Cristina moans looking to the floor full of streamers and candles.

"You would think that someone!" Alex mentions raising his voice to the direction of his bosses, "would have paid to have this done professionally so I didn't have to waste my one night off this month on hanging up crappy decorations for people I couldn't care less about."

"You would think." George chimes in.

"Oh Bambi, are you all 'ho-hum I hate marriages because I cheated on my wife and I got served with divorce papers months ago that I refuse to sign in vague hope that she'll look my direction just once and change her mind because I feel like a shitty person'?"

"Better than being the scorned woman who got left at the altar." He counters.

"Alright children enough bitching and more decorating." Callie directs from about twenty feet away. At the behest of Derek she agreed to put together an engagement party when they got back so Addison wouldn't have to worry about anything. After a few secretive rounds of text messaging before their flight took off she learned that this would now be a wedding reception and required a little more effort. Pulling rank and begging the Chief she managed to get Miranda, Mark, Erica, Sydney, herself, a few nurses from Addison's department, all of the new interns (to serve as wait staff and bartenders for a good laugh), and the newly appointed residents off to enjoy a good time. Well, at least a time with plenty of alcohol. She looks to her watch again and yells for them to hurry the hell up. Maybe she isn't married anymore and maybe she isn't chief resident anymore either but damn it feels good to be in charge, if only for the night.

**_-----_**

Dragging their luggage off the carousel and onto the metal cart he remarks, "Alright, time for surprise number two."

"I'm exhausted. Can it wait?" She asks looping her arm through his and dragging her feet.

"Not so much but I promise we don't have to be there very long." They travel the rest of the way to the rented hotel room in silence and Derek instructs the driver to leave the luggage here and tells the man waiting for them to take it to room 2370. He disregards her comments about staying in a hotel overnight when all she, surprisingly enough, wants to do is curl up into her own bed.

Gliding his hand around to rest on the small of her back he pulls open one of the heavy double doors to reveal all of their friends and co-workers waiting patiently amidst the cream and mauve themed room. "Reception?" He questions as Callie rushes forward to embrace her.

"We have a lot to talk about young lady." Callie states officially and then shrugs when the band in the corner begins to play. Dragging Addison along the hard wood floor she lets her hips sway to the music and points out the interns in full fledged waiter/waitress outfits.

"How did you do this?" Addison asks looking around as Callie jokingly spins her.

"Derek's idea. I just got the man power. I like to think it's the stare. Bailey taught me how. Oh! Speaking of Bailey, why the hell didn't you tell anyone else about the bun in the oven? Oh and I-uh, no one else knows. I covertly stole your lab work and looked for myself."

"Cal!"

"I was worried about my friend. I'm sure you'd understand. And for the record I'll still be your friend even though you won't be able to commiserate with me anymore. Deal?"

"I guess."

"Let's see the rock." She states reaching for the ring. She laughs a little and then drops her hand reaching for a flute of champagne from intern Steve.

"I embrace the trashy." Addison states asking for water.

"Nothing about that screams trashy."

"Ah- City Hall." She corrects her and then head for the large table in the front of the room when Mark reaches for the microphone.

"I'd get married in a dumpster for that thing." Cut off by the sound of Mark's voice blaring over the speakers Callie stops and turns to watch the man dressed from head to toe in black Armani while licking her lips. Even she can't deny that a little bit of dirty cheerfulness would feel amazing right about now with George's eyes boring a hole in her heart.

"Well, unofficially I am Derek's best man. I figured he would have asked me so I am going to go ahead and say a few words…"

"Oh god, here we go." Derek mumbles after breaking away from Richard and finding Addison's side again. Following a slur of speeches and horribly embarrassing stories by Miranda (poison oak), Richard (their intern years) and Mark (everything in between and nothing relevant for twenty minutes) they finally make way for dinner and good round of laughing at the interns while the residents sit at their appropriated table in the back of the room. Meredith's death glare isn't lost on Addison and she makes a point of never making eye contact.

"I think she wants to kill me."

"Add-ie-son, we all want to kill you." Sydney sloshes out, the liquor definitely taking its toll as she ogles Alex who she conned into dancing with her more than once.

Following their goodbyes and thanks they hastily make an exit at midnight and stumble onto the elevator half asleep. "Pretty room." Addison mumbles when Derek holds the door open for her and helps her take off her shoes. Slowly he assists with her zipper and drops light kisses to both of her hips before tugging the material to the floor and letting his fingers trail up her long toned legs.

He watches as she pulls her sweater overhead and drops it to the side reaching around for the clasp of her white bra when the unspoken celebration begins. As soon as she manages to get it out of the way he pushes her back onto the bed fully devouring her right nipple and swirling his tongue wide while she makes breathy gasps above him. Taking his time he moves to give the left side proper attention after letting his fingers slip past the lace barrier. Gliding his fingers along her clit he hears her moan approval before he dips two fingers in and begins pumping and twisting them in the way she loves. In a matter of minutes he feels her clamp down around him and a muffled, "Derek," emerges from her swollen lips.

Letting her down gently he removes his hand and tells her to lift her hips while he pulls down the soaked article impeding his desire before stripping all of his clothing and throwing it in various parts of the room. Sitting up she catches his eyes before kissing a path along his neck to his chest and then back up to his ear when he joins her on the edge of the bed. She lets her tongue twist around his lobe and slowly climbs into a dominate position straddling his lap and positioning him in the proper place before letting her hips slam down hard against him. They both groan trying to adjust to the feeling before she decides she can't wait any longer and begins grinding against him. Moving his hands along her sides and rolling her nipples he begins to feel her quicken the pace in search for her climax. He runs his fingers through her hair as her head falls back and the red tresses dangle on his thighs and attempts to match her tempo.

Gently he rolls them when her legs begin to tighten and her breathing becomes labored. Picking up where she left off he allows himself to thrust hard and deep while she writhes below him. Steadying her wiggling hips with a free hand he increases his speed as he feels his own impending orgasm building. Clutching the sheets and arching her back she gasps before moaning loudly into the cool darkened air that encases their sweaty, hot bodies. Her eyes drift closed as the pressure gives way for an array of world stopping, head clearing pleasure. Seconds later she feels him give in and collapse against her slick chest gasping for air.

Gathering his tired body from her trembling limbs he moves to the side and pulls her under the blankets with him. He tugs them up around her shoulders and places a lingering kiss to her mouth before letting his eyelids fall down and mumbling, "Night Mrs. Shepherd."

Giving a final smile to the longest and most surprising day her life has seen thus far she replies, "Night Mr. Shepherd."  
**_  
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**_-----_**

* * *


	9. This city could be ours by nightfall

A/N: Remember when I said this wouldn't make it past 10 chapters? Well, I suck at outlines and can assuredly say that the next one is not the epilogue although I should note that since I decided to be all cute and use the same artist every chapter, I am running out of songs and lyrics so I wouldn't expect anything past 15 because they've got like 19 songs and not all of them are usable. Anyway, rambling aside thank you to everyone for your kind words about this thing when I think I am crazy and to **escapismrocks** cause she kicks ass at being a beta. Enjoy!**_  
_**

**_ -----_**

**_We'll tear down the walls and let them know_**

**_We could have it all, we could have some hope_**

**_This city could be ours by nightfall_**

_- The Classic Crime, "Bitter Uprising"_

**_-----_**

"Wake up." He whispers gently into her sleeping ear and detaches his arm from her hip hoping she'll stir. Instead he gets a mumbled line of something he is certain contains expletives he has never heard out of his wife's mouth before. His wife, he grins and then decides to let her be for a while later.

Jet lag kicking their asses he stumbles out of the shower to find her yawning in their sprawling hotel room. "Some party last night." He remarks securing the towel around his waist and making his way to the bed.

"Yeah." She murmurs turning her head to him.

"Now I have it on good authority that you were not drunk last night or yesterday for that matter so I am expecting you to at least stay and have breakfast before you go dashing to the door for an annulment."

He earns a little giggle for his early morning trouble before kissing the top of her head and demanding she hop in the shower because they have a full day off. Nearly an hour later leaves him fully dressed and reclining on the bed as random useless sports trivia flashes across the screen and then he jumps back to the news and pretends to be interested when she emerges with dry hair and a fully applied face.

"Anything good happening in the states?" She asks the exhaustion still creeping back into her voice.

"Nah. Well, I did hear about one thing."

"What?" She asks seriously before seeing the smirk on his face. "Oh yeah, we got married again. No one saw that coming." She teases loosening her towel and throwing it over his head.

Pulling the offending fabric from his face he lets his eyes trail up her long legs before licking his lips and reaching out to pull her down onto the bed. She has never looked so good, there's something to be said about that damned pregnancy glow. "Now see you do things like that and we are going to be late for surprise number two." He grins pinning her beneath him and making quick work of planting kisses all over her soft and lightly scented skin.

"Hmmm…you smell like nothing. Guess we are going to be late." She shrugs rolling them both over so that she is straddling him in full control. "Now let's see if I can remember what it is like to be Derek Shepherd's wife."

Minutes later, devoid of his once unwrinkled clothes and now gripping her hips and riding the waves he helps her come to terms with the title until neither one can hold out and are both forced breathless with flushed skin and swollen lips in the glimmering sun streaks that the open blinds leave on the bed. "Remember?"

"I may need a refresher course later on." She grins and then rolls over into his chest burying her head underneath his chin and waiting for his warm arms to make her feel at home. Everything seems to fall into place when he holds her and when his hands finally stop tracing light patterns over her skin and they drift off to sleep Addison can't feel anything but blessed to have the man she once despised back in her life. Love/hate relationship aside she knows that he is it for her.  
**_  
_**

**_-----_**

"Oh crap." Is the first thing she hears nearly two hours later and then someone is jabbing her in the side and covering with her blanket at the same time leading to some serious mixed signals. "Addison wake up and get dressed."

"What, why?" She mutters while burying her head under a fluffy, just thick enough, designed for heavenly sleeping, pillow.

"The real estate agent is here to give us the keys to the house." He sighs exasperatedly trying to force her from the bed so he can answer the door.

"House?" She may have been asleep for awhile but there was no house, not even in her lust filled dreams.

"Yes, house. Surprise number two…Honey, please get up so I can answer the door." He spits out with a clenched jaw when she rolls further into the blankets.

"Baby says she wants to sleep." She tries, her body too tired to take the synapse cues from her brain.

"You're in charge of our baby, now let's go." He states starting to tickle her feet.

Between giggles she manages to sit upright. "Ok…ok, I'm going. Gosh, get all mean about it. What did I ever do to you?" She teases in her best thirteen year old voice while toeing to the bathroom and reaching for some clothes from the over packed suitcase in the project.

Happy to see her sense of humor fully intact for once in the last month or so he reaches for the door handle. "Mrs. Anderson come on in." He says with a smile and a firm hand shake. He picked this house months ago, right after she left. He didn't know who he was trying to kid by living in a trailer but one morning when the heat refused to work and the coffee pot broke he gave in and went searching. Since the category five hurricane that is loving Addison, he found himself slightly distracted and forgot about the process of the house being in the buying process until he got a call from the realtor giving him an update last week. Then in the turmoil of Russia, baby news and morning sickness he forgot again. Better late then never he figures and helps Mrs. Anderson to her seat when she begins to pull out the final set of papers for him to review.

"I want to add my wife." He blurts out and then waits for the bathroom door to open.

"I didn't know you were married."

"I was and then I wasn't and now I am again, same person though. Never mind, it's complicated…but can we add her name?"

"Sure…it'll be a bit more paperwork but it can be done." And with that Addison emerges refreshed and dressed casually in a light dress for the spring weather. Reaching for her heels she hears her name being called, because really they are only four feet from each other and she could hear him breathing, and turns to the woman sitting with Derek.

"Hi, Addison Montgomery…Shepherd. Montgomery-Shepherd, sorry. How do you do?" She asks and then extends her hand. "Jet lag." She begins to explain when Derek motions for her to take a seat next to him.

"Derek said you two just got back from Russia. Business or pleasure?" She asks making some notes.

Derek looks to Addison before answering. "Both. We're adopting."

"Well that's lovely news. This house was built for kids but then again you know that. You previewed about eight hundred houses before this one." She laughs and Addison begins to think she is serious.

"You did, did you?" Addison asks tilting her head and daring him to embark on an explanation of why she had to live in a trailer so long in the middle of the dark woods.

"I did. And I was just explaining to Mrs. Anderson here that-"

"Oh darling, it's Julie."

"Julie, right. I was explaining that I wanted to add your name to the paperwork, that is if you'll still have me." He asks hopefully.

"Sure." Addison replies sarcasm dripping from the hanging syllable reminding him that there will be hell to pay.

"Ok, well let's just get some of your information and then I'll hand over the keys and you two can get on with your lives…not that this isn't a nice hotel to live in."

"We don't live here; we live in a trailer, in the middle of the woods." Addison starts with a slightly sadistic smile on her face.

"Oh." Julie replies clicking her pen nervously.

"Yeah." Derek gulps wishing the plush carpet would swallow him. Sometimes when Addison says she hates surprises it doesn't turn out so well, he should have known.

**_-----_**

After a silent car ride he lets her explore the house while lagging behind. Finally they come to a halt in one of the bedrooms, presumably for children. Wrapping his arms around her waist from behind and resting his chin on shoulder he asks, "So you still mad?"

"Very." She states in a very unconvincing tone.

"I see, well what ever can I do to make it up to you?" He asks with a devilish grin fully prepared to christen every room in their new house before there are small feet dashing through the halls and giggles coming from the mischief in the bathroom.

"I want full decorating control."

"What?"

"Master bedroom kind of control." She remarks spinning in his arms and finding his eyes. "Oh, disappointed? You didn't think I was going to let you have your way with me after this kind of a stunt did you?"

"You want full decorating control?" He gulps envisioning a very pink and purple bedroom, even though she doesn't like the colors he has a feeling she'd put up with it to spite him.

"Yes." She demands lightly nuzzling his face and waiting for a reply.

"Ok. Can I still sex you up?" He asks trailing her cleavage with a warm finger.

Goosebumps slither onto her skin as he smiles at the low cut of her dress and the new improved cup size that has finally stopped aching. She feels the tingles in the pit of her stomach and decides to remain firm. "Negative. Come on we need to go spend "our" money. We are in need of everything…oh, and can we roll the trailer into the lake or set it on fire and drive away?"

"So you want to pollute or possibly light the forest on fire?" He asks pulling his hands back and resting them on her hips.

"Well, when you say it like that I feel bad. Maybe we could just tow it somewhere and leave it."

"Littering." He reminds her chuckling.

"I can't win with that piece of junk."

He grasps her hand and takes a deep breath as they approach the threshold intent on spending every cent they have earned in the last year. He watches the large entry way dim and the undressed windows allow the sun to flit through the space. "Welcome home Addison."  
**_  
_**

**_-----_**

They spend the two months waiting on their sons watching Addison's stomach grow and putting finishing touches on the house to give it the homey feeling. The master bedroom - a lovely shade of warm cream and soothing browns - is much more pleasing than he ever thought it would be when she first bestowed the idea upon him. The twins' room decorated in dark wood and the sailboat theme that includes four thousand shades of blue (unbeknownst to Derek and leading to a disastrous shopping day) is completely ready and waiting.

At his wife's insistence Derek finds his off hours spent calming her paranoia of things still not going right and feeding her never waning sexual appetite. About to incite a riot when she begins to suck on his neck for the fourth time that evening, he tries to shift gears and talk about the upcoming prenatal visit they have in the morning. So far he has missed every last one due to ignorance, emergency surgeries or horrible timing and unfair bosses but tomorrow he is in the clear.

"So what are they going to do tomorrow?" He asks trying to slow her down so he has a second to catch his breath.

"Hmm…Derek I already told you." She mutters letting the vibrations of her voice bounce off his skin as she places wet kisses behind his ear.

"Add, please. Just tell me again."

She pulls back pouting and settles her head against his bare chest letting her fingers toy with the little chest hair he has. "Gender, heartbeat, nine hundred labs, weight, height, just general stuff Derek…now can we get back to where we left off?"

"We didn't leave off anywhere. We finished six times today." He counted. Once this morning, once in an on call room (that was accidentally left unlocked and left O'Malley with more of an eyeful than he ever wanted), once on the counter while in the process of making dinner all the while having Graham bark in the distance of the sprawling backyard and now three times before trying to fall asleep. He's beyond exhausted.

"Not six."

"Six Addie." He grumbles when she shifts away and rolls over in a huff of tugged blankets and unspoken words. Relenting he lets his fingers trail over her bare hips before resting on the protruding bump that he still argues contains a daughter but she now thinks is a son. "We could-"

"No, you don't have to touch me if you don't want to. I understand if you-"

"That's not it." He states waiting for the ever wavering emotions to kick in with the tears that never trail far behind. "That's not it at all."

"Night Derek."

"Addison?"

"What?" She asks sniffling too much and completely giving away the fact that she is crying about something ridiculous and in that moment she can't figure out what she hates more. The fact that he won't have sex with her or the fact that she is crying over the issue of having too much sex.

"You're crying."

"Am not."

"Oh, please. I know that muffled voice. Come here." He pulls her over and back onto his chest before stroking her hair while she calms herself enough to have a conversation. "Now let's talk, just talk for a little while."

"I don't want to talk."

"Well, I need to talk. I think you are trying to break me or something. I'm not a teenager Addison; I can't handle as much as did then even though I would love to go at you twenty times in one day."

"I know." She replies letting her hand find his and toy with his gold wedding band. She'll never admit it out loud but it feels amazing to be able to run her fingers over the cool metal and know that she put that there again, that after everything, all the hell, he is still willing and wanting a life with her.

"Ok then." He replies after nearly embarrassing himself about turning her down.

"Sorry, I just…god…I've never felt this way, I can't get enough, it's-"

"My fault. Damn me impregnating the impenetrable uterus." He mocks teasing her sides until she giggles.

"You know what I meant." More seriously she replies.

"Yes, I did. I know, well I don't know because I've never stuck around any of the other women I've knocked up-"

"You aren't Mark." She corrects.

"Oh right, right. I get it though; I've heard through the grapevine of many a tired man that this was the cause of his exhaustion."

"Ok." She sighs contently into his chest before letting her eyes fall closed.

"Night Addison, I love you…and your burning desire for me."

Earning a jab in the side courtesy of her long fingers she replies, "Night Derek, love you too."

**_-----_**

"Everything looks good. Strong heartbeat, growing well, lots of amniotic fluid. I believe it's safe to say you are cleared for take off." Izzie grins down at Addison and Derek. Through the trials of trying to find a new OB they finally settled on giving the new resident some hands on experience with the proper back up if necessary. It took Izzie awhile to convince Meredith and more importantly Cristina that this wasn't anything to do with the ongoing feud. "Want to know the sex?" She asks dropping the gel onto Addison's bare stomach unannounced.

Gasping at the change in temperature Addison looks to Derek who bounces his head in hopes of ending the bet once and for all. He was right, he had a feeling. "Sure, can you just…yeah and I'll tell him if you don't mind." Addison replies squeezing Derek's hand as they get an amazing peak at their child. Her mind can't even comprehend the simple and drastic changes in technology and she is happy to be having a child now as opposed to 1990.

"Ok." Izzie replies and begins to continue measuring until the baby moves into a suitable position to reveal the gender. "Big head." The resident mocks laughing at Derek when Addison blames him.

"Ok. You really want to know?" She asks.

"Yes." They both reply in the same breath and then Addison cringes when she recites, "It's a boy. Another boy. Better break out that name book Der."

Letting his eyes dart from the screen back to Addison's face he feels something a little off. He may not work with ultrasounds all day like his wife but he is fairly certain there is a problem. "Are you-"

"I'm kidding." Addison smiles and watches his jaw drop. "That'd be one sad looking boy."

"So it's a girl?" He asks still a little unsure about the whole joke.

"It's a girl. You win." She acknowledges.

"You guys were betting on the sex of your baby?" Izzie gawks slowly cleaning up Addison's stomach and returning things to their proper place before printing out the images.

"Everyone does it Stevens, you'll see if you stay in this field that is, you'll see." Addison counters and feels Derek hand come to a halt on her bare skin.

"It's a girl. I win." He mutters.

"Oh yeah, live it up. You were right for once. Hey, maybe we should call the newspaper. Bet they would run a full length article Dr. Stevens?"

"Oh- I-I…I don't know." Izzie finishes ungracefully afraid of starting a fight or better yet getting caught in another like the NICU scene from back in the day when no one thought the two in front of her would last another moment without killing one another let alone procreate.

"It's ok Izzie, my wife tends to have a bit of a quick tongue when it comes to me. You can answer you know. She doesn't bite, most of the time." Derek finishes as her flying palm comes into contact with his chest and he reaches up intertwining their fingers.

"I'd rather not. Here are your sonograms and I hope you have a good flight…and if you ever need anyone to baby-sit, I'm game. I don't have a life." She finishes keeping to herself the fact that every Thursday, Friday and Saturday herself, Cristina and Meredith try to see who can out drink the others. Then they manage a game of _Operation_ and with their rather dismal skills, even while plastered, she is a little scared of anyone who has to go under their knife for the first time completely solo. Besides she'd rather watch children than be the lightweight for another week in a row and be forced to endure the criticism and comments that 'after all this time' she should have improved technique.

"We may make good on that offer Stevens, I'd watch what you say." Addison says with a smile and a cheerful attitude that Izzie hasn't seen since her arrival.

And then she just can't keep her mouth shut because it's not her style and the cheerfulness in the room kind of makes her stomach churn with longing. "You look happy."

She glances over to Derek who is staring at the images and gloating as only he can silently and then back to her stomach and then up. "I am happy. I'm not always the evil witch but don't expect me to go soft on you. It won't happen. I'll still ride you and make sure you know when you screw up." Addison warns already feeling the effects of motherhood being tossed about the halls with her name and the mentions of maternity leave and who will take her spot. She prefers to think that the place simply shuts down when she goes home for the night.

**_-----_**

Through a mess of broken English, bad Russian, endless flights, paperwork, final doctor's visits and tears all around Derek finally finds himself at home on the living room floor the evening of their arrival. Addison, is trying in vain it seems to show him the differences in his sons. His sons he repeats in his head with a smile before pulling whichever one into his lap. After a full night involving almost lost luggage, more tears, motion sickness for Addison and mumbles of secret twin language he still manages the energy to be down on the floor trying to play with his non-English speaking baby.

"This one is Carter?" He asks hoping he is right. She keeps switching articles of clothing and is afraid she won't have an idea by the time they finish.

"Yes." She answer with a smile. Carter - formerly Vitaly - now Carter Vitaly Nikolai Shepherd (Montgomery-Shepherd she tried to argue and lost that when Peyton was indeed a girl that fateful sonogram day) seems rather enamored with his new father's hair and Addison finds herself laughing as he stumbles around in his lap and reaches up for the long waves.

"I think I should cut it all off." He remarks getting a pout from her lips.

"Not fair." She remarks untangling Collin's small hand from her dangling tresses.

"You think they like us?" He asks setting what he affectionately likes to call "Thing 1" back on the ground and reaching for "Thing 2" to distract him from pulling too hard on Addison's hair or kicking her too hard (though she adamantly denies that it is possible) and causing damage to his growing baby girl.

"I think it's going to be rough." She admits honestly already dumbfounded by the words they speak. "But it will be worth it. It's already worth it. Look at them."

Toppling over one another they fight for the large multicolored blocks on the ground clanking them together in a quasi competition to see who is the loudest and Derek is already thinking of soft, plush toys that won't awaken him from peaceful slumber. Sliding in next to her he grabs her hand as they watch them play somewhat civilized for the time being. Exhausted she lets her head fall against his shoulder and doesn't wake up until the sounds of screams are coming frequently and reminding her that she, indeed, is not in a dream anymore and her house is full of small children. Her eyes pop open to reveal Derek with one in each arm as the tears flow and jumbles of what she is assuming is Russian is echoed out in baby talk countered by Derek's best soothing voice (one she is far accustomed to). Wiping the sleep from her eyes she yawns. "What happened?"

"You feel asleep and I managed to get them their bottles and some dinner but then that ended up all over the floor in the kitchen and now one needs to be changed and then there was crying and then the other one was crying and I gave up on switching arms and just decided to-" He trails off frustrated by her smile.

"It's ok. They cry Derek."

"I know I just want to fix the problem but I don't know what is wrong."

"They're in a new country with new people in a world they don't understand. It's not all baby drool and new clothes. They're going to cry sometimes and there will be nothing we can do but hold them until they stop." She finishes lifting Carter from his arms and settling his head against her chest and smoothing down his dark wisps.

Taking a deep breath he readjusts Collin and tries to mimic Addison's loving gestures. "Ok."

"I think we all need to go to sleep."

"Agreed."

"If they sleep."

"They've got to be tired." He remarks securing his son and helping Addison up before their now small family makes their way up the stairs. Two diaper changes, three clothing malfunctions (all thanks to Derek), two more bottles and some light classical music later (though he finds old punk rock to be more soothing she thinks it will only inhibit the routine they are trying to achieve) Derek reaches around his wife for her hand as they lean against the doorway and watch their sleeping sons.

"We're parents." He whispers into her ear.

"Wanna go celebrate that little fact of life with me?" She asks stepping from the room and peeling off her shirt before throwing it at his feet.

"You are insatiable woman."

"You love me." She remarks disappearing into the bedroom and waiting for his inevitable compliance.

Sinking down onto the bed and noticing her lack of compassion for foreplay he reaches between their warm bodies to find her more than ready and waiting. Writhing under his touch she comes the first time as his fingers pump in and out of her. Slowly letting her down off the ride he kisses his way up her body and feels her roll them over for the sake of ease on her growing stomach, not that he minds the view at all.

Letting her fingers trail up and down his length she leisurely guides him into her and sets a melodic, lingering pace. His hands urge her to go faster when he can no longer take the teasing and compliantly she quickens the pace until cries erupt from the baby monitor on the bedside table. "Oh…uh, Addie?" He groans surprised when she doesn't immediately stop and dash from the room.

She comes seconds later pulling him over the edge and then traipsing to the bathroom for a robe before finding him lying in bed limbs sprawled and eyes heavy with lust and exhaustion. She watches him sit up and then makes her way back over pushing down on his shoulders and clicking the baby monitor off. "Sleep Derek."

"No, I can help. I want to help. This time it's different." He mumbles feeling her warm hand holding him down.

"You don't need to get up with me every single time to prove that it is different this time. I already know that or I wouldn't have drug you into City Hall and married you." She kisses his cheek and then finishes with, "Besides you let me sleep earlier."

"I did do that." He remarks groggily fighting the battle.

"Next time it's all you though."

"Deal."

**_-----_**

* * *


	10. And I promise it's going to kill

A/N: A whole week, life sucks? Does that work for anyone? So the standard thanks to everyone (and beta) who has managed to take this from 5 chapters to my new favorite project. Hope you like it. Enjoy- **_  
_**

**_ -----_**

**_So here's to the promise of glamorous living_**

**_You must drink up now, cause it's all that you're getting_**

**_If you haven't been tested, you certainly will_**

**_And I promise it's going to kill_**

**_…_**

**_All I can think of is how much I'd kill to be sleeping_**

**_I'm squinting my eyes, my mind's drifting to secrets I'm keeping_**

_- The Classic Crime, "The Test"_

**_-----_**

Derek felt his heart begin to seize with panic and adrenaline as he rolled over onto her cold spot in the bed. His eyes adjusted to the gleaming red numbers that lit up the otherwise dark room and his mind swirled with the reminder that no one should be awake at this hour. Since having the last three days off after bringing the twins home they were suddenly hit with the reality that they hadn't settled on a useful course of action regarding work. She vehemently refused to step down before she needed to but agreed to scale back quite a bit. He opposed her, stating that it would be beneficial to everyone if she was at home resting and relaxing with the boys but she rejected the idea of handing over her title and leaving the hospital high and dry without notice before he even thought of saying it.

They argued, for hours on the way to Russia and by the time they landed, groggy and unaware of the time difference the fight had been long forgotten. Now in the midst of diaper changes, endless feedings and buckets of tears from everyone but him, he now realizes that they needed a game plan and fast. Today was their last supposed day alone as a family at home and Derek was scheduled from 6 am to probably midnight by this point for tomorrow with Addison certainly not trailing far behind in the race. Stumbling around the dark he slams his toes into the end of the sleigh frame and curses the awkward placement of their bed in the new espresso themed room.

Finally he meanders down the stairs, nearly tripping over the baby gate at the bottom that his mind still isn't used to, toward the light coming from below after checking to see that the twins were indeed sleeping for once. He finds her in the kitchen. Standing in her green robe and stirring a wooden spoon into some sort of concoction.

"Addison, its 3:30 in the morning. What are you doing?" He asks with a sleepy yawn and pads over to the kitchen stool to take a seat facing her, careful to stay on the opposite side of the island so as to not disturb the "cooking" process.

"I was hungry." She shrugs and then focuses her attention back to the mess in the glass bowl before licking the spoon and holding it out as a peace offering to Derek. "Want to try?"

"You're cooking." He states plainly and shaking his head toward the direction of the goopy mess on the spoon.

"Yup."

"It's 3:30."

"So I've heard."

"You're cooking."

"Yes Derek, I cook sometimes." She reiterates and then turns back, annoyed, to her project. Trying to set the oven to the right temperature she lets her fingers flit over the panel before returning to her peanut butter fiasco that she is certain looks nothing short of disgusting to everyone else. Even she can recognize the problems of mixing these ingredients but thinking doesn't curb the cravings.

"Not well." He snorts and then lowers his voice. "You're cooking at 3:30 in the morning."

"I was hungry. Are you going to sit there and make fun of me or are you going to help me so we can have a little free time before the boys wake up screaming?" She asks with a devilish grin and a suggestive wiggle of her eyebrows.

"You need a leash." He remarks standing slowly and letting his body revolt against the position by neatly popping into place.

"We haven't had sex in two days and I am full on second trimester. It's like death for me." She defends bringing the bowl to the counter and meeting him halfway.

"It's not my fault you like our children better than me."

"Ah, that's untrue." She swipes her finger into the mess and taps it to his nose.

Cleaning his skin and daring to bring the recipe to his mouth he nearly gags while swallowing it down. "What are you making?"

"Peanut butter surprise." She replies with a grin rubbing her stomach. "I've been craving like nineteen things at once so I figured that I would just put most of them in here and then dip the cookies in salsa."

Grimacing he moves behind her to avoid any more attacks and places his hands on her hips while she stirs in marshmallows. "I don't think that you should stray from cookbooks just yet Add. You don't have the skills."

"I have skills. I have very good skills…that I plan on showing you as soon as we finish this. Besides by the time I'm done showing you them- then my cookies will be ready and we can get the kids up and fed…" Taking a deep breath she relaxes her head against his shoulder while he looks back at the oven "…it's going to be a great day Derek."

"Addison." He states slightly concerned.

"Hmm?"

"There's something we should discuss."

"Derek, did you get called in? I knew you weren't just up for the fun of it. You said you would take the whole week and today is our last day-" She begins rambling clearly irritated.

"I didn't get paged."

"Oh. Then what?"

Pushing against her robe she smirks with wide eyes before he spins her around to see the flames leaping from the burner. "It's on fire."

"I think you hit the wrong button." Extinguishing the fire he laughs when she jumps back onto the counter simultaneously knocking the bowl of 'cookie' batter to the ground and it oozes all over the light wood flooring.

"Damn it."

Dipping his finger into the jar of peanut butter next to the sink he smiles. "Perhaps you could just stick to the pre-made things from here on out?"

She reaches out for his hand, taking the dripping finger into her mouth and sucking it clean. "Hmm…" She murmurs against his hand and pulls his body closer by wrapping her legs around his waist. "This works just fine for me."

"I thought you were dieing from hunger."

"I can think of a few ways you can help satisfy that. Being a doctor and what not."

**_-----_**

"Ok." Derek huffs, devastated by his lack of ability to get the twins to do anything without Addison's help. "How do you do it?"

"Do what?" She asks in a higher pitch voice before blowing on Collin's bare stomach.

"They like you more than me."

"They're not even two years old and have only known us for a week, I'm certain they do not have favorites." She replies pulling the long sleeve shirt back down and releasing him to play with his brother and the growing mountain of toys in the front room that are desperately in need of their own toy box separate from the one upstairs. She adds it to the list.

He slumps against the couch letting his exhausted head fall back. He feels a little broken, a little defeated by the fact that he is incapable of doing even the simplest of things for his sons. He'd concede to the jealousy but when she slides in next to him and places his palm over her stomach he can't help but smile. "I bet this one will be a daddy's girl, besides those two will hate me as soon as they realize that I will always be playing bad cop because even the tiniest of pouts can get them anything they want out of you." She jabs him in the ribs and waits for the inevitable grin.

"If she doesn't like me, I'm blaming you." He chides himself for the sudden flare-up and smiles when he realizes that she always has the quickest ways to make him see the world from a different point of view, a view that doesn't make him hate himself and all of his mortal flaws.

He spent a lot of time after she left for L.A. reflecting on their numerous issues and when he finished, with more scotch than was necessary, he came to the conclusion that he probably played a larger role in their demise than he was ever willing to admit before. Through the conversations that felt more like interrogations in the beginning, the days spent in the trailer hashing out the craziness that would become his life, he confided in her all of his feelings toward their marriage. She hushed him with a light kiss when he refused to stop babbling and told him it was water under the bridge. Oddly enough, in this moment he feels as though he should be apologizing again but knows that she would have none of it. Instead, he laces his fingers through hers and takes a few deep breaths thanking all the gods and angels in the universe for giving him his wife back; for giving him his life back. He can only imagine the drunken pile of himself that he would have turned into without her.

"She'll love you- Oh, uh…Collin don't hit your brother. Collin." She calls out louder getting no response. Renaming children is much harder than it should be. "Vadim." She tries and he turns shocked to hear the name that hasn't been muttered in days. Suddenly he bursts into tears and toddles his way toward Derek's legs begging to be picked up and saved.

"Oh, no buddy. You did it this time." He lifts the boy into his lap and waits for Addison to finish consoling the injured party.

"You could you know, help." She calls out conceding onto the floor and cuddling the baby to her chest after inspecting the small bump above his eye.

"I thought you wanted to play bad cop." He smirks before a block is thrown and lands next to him on the red sofa that he bitched about endlessly and then surrendered to when he realized he indeed had no decorating power. He moves to the office which is brimming with the piles of mail they haven't touched for his first ever experience with a time out. He's certain that he will be well acquainted before the parenting tree ends but dedicates the moment to memory as he twines through the hallway.

Setting his son at his feet he rolls his eyes when he sees the first thing Collin tries to do is escape. He gives a quick chuckle at his attempts before trying to explain in slow English that he is in trouble and holding him in the air for a second before letting him come to a rest on his legs. After a minute passes he attempts to wiggle free again only to be met by resistance and then turns on the waterworks. In that moment the guilt sets in, Derek feels like the worst dad in the world for causing his son to cry; to cry when he could be down playing. He brushes the thought aside because he knows it's all for a greater good even if it does tug at his heart more than he'll ever admit to Addison.

Following incessant tears, sobs, and non understandable words he stands and walks back into the living room with the kicking, screaming toddler. "Addison?" He asks above the growing noise pressed against him. He takes a second to watch her playing innocently with the boy on the floor. Helping him to build a large tower while he babbles away, clearly having forgotten about the incident.

She turns with a smile that feeds a growing desire within him to feel her lips on his. Her skin under his. He drops to his knees letting Collin go about life and shuffles his way over to his wife. Gripping both sides of her face he kisses her breathless, slipping his tongue inside her mouth when she gasps at his urgent need. Blushing she checks behind her when they pull apart to ensure they don't have an audience and feeling oddly self conscious in front of the boys. "Tease."

"I had to." He explains.

"Kissing like that will get you in trouble Derek Shepherd. Didn't your mother ever teach you anything?" She jokes before turning away and helping out with the block project again.

"My mother taught me to never let a beautiful woman feel unwanted." Technically it was his father but they don't talk about Martin Shepherd. At least not when he can help it. It's been far too many years for it to hurt the way it does and now surrounded by his own children he can't stop his brain from thinking what a great grandfather ol' Marty could have been. Would have been.

**_-----_**

The light breaking through the window only increases her annoyance when the voices on the baby monitor take over her brain. Sometimes if they could sleep a little longer than an hour at a time she would be really grateful. Especially now as she swings her swollen ankles out from under the comforter toeing around for her slippers. It's her turn. They quickly decided to take turns, to save one another from the pain of perpetually being up all night. At least they were getting ninety minutes or so at a time this way. Scuffling in her silk pajamas she makes her way to the twins' room to find Collin standing up and thrashing his feet against the crib angrily. From the opposite side of the room Carter has his hands extended out with silent tears working down his face.

"Alright one at a time here." She lets Collin out and to the ground because her growing stomach doesn't allow for a lot of precarious perching of small children. Blinking rapidly and yawning she removes Carter from his crib and places him on the changing table to check his diaper and straighten the footed blue pajamas that he has in a mess around his legs. "Ok, you're still fresh. Hungry?" She gets wails in reply huffs when Collin tries to crawl up her leg.

"Ok guys…and girl," She thinks in consideration of the poor unborn baby who will get insanely over protective brothers and a father who will kill every single boy that looks her way, "Mommy can not keep up with this. Learn to speak or sleep better…help me out a little."

Deep in thought she removes one toddler from the changing table and lifts the other onto it. After checking, in vain, for a dirty diaper she puts Collin on the ground and he rushes toward his brother muttering something. Absentmindedly rubbing her hand over her bump she begins to feel an odd sensation building. While trying to ascertain whether or not she is hungry she feels it again. "Oh, oh!"

She removes herself from the room, unnoticed by the twins, who as the days grow become more and more concerned with being displaced from one another. "Derek! Derek get up."

"Not my turn." He mumbles burying his head deeper into the pillow.

"I know, and we really need to discuss this turn thing. It's not panning out as well as I would like, I mean I'm still exhausted and we aren't sleeping and they aren't sleeping and are basically waking up so we'll put them together-"

"Addison!" He groans looking toward the clock.

"Oh, right. I tend to forget where I was going with things these days."

"Try always." He bites his tongue. They both know he isn't really a morning person. "Sorry, I just-" He feels his hand being drug from its warm spot under his head and being placed over her stomach. "What are you-"

"She was kicking; I swear I didn't wake you up for nothing."

Then he feels it. On the right side, a faint and light tap against his palm. Officially deciding that if this and sex are the only ways she wants to keep waking him up in the morning then he would happily jump ship and become a crazy jogging, bubbly morning person who didn't need coffee. "Wow."

"I know."

"That's a pretty good way to start off the day."

"I know."

"Addison?" He asks sitting up and pulling her into his lap.

"Hmm?"

"I love you."

"Well, I love you too but it's on 4:30 and I really want to go back to sleep…and we need, and I mean we because I can't do it alone anymore, need to get them back to sleep and then maybe we could-"

"I wasn't asking to jump you."

"Maybe I was hoping."

"This stage ends right?" Carefully tugging her messy hair into place he sits up a little straighter and presses a kiss to her cheek. "I like it and all but I'm starting to feel used and hurt."

"Liar."

"Fine, you caught me. Ok: boys, bed, sex, shower, breakfast. Sounds like a plan."

"Oh…shower sex; we haven't done that in a while."

He chuckles. "Oh lord, come on my little obsessed wife, let's get our children back to sleep before you start molesting me."

"I'm not really little anymore." She mentions biting her lip nervously as they stand together and head out the hall.

"You need a compliment or are you just having a moment?"

"A moment. I miss my shoes." She states following him.

"You still wear your shoes."

"They don't all fit so well anymore."

"You're gorgeous Addison, still." He replies sleepily when he realizes that it was definitely the first option he gave. She commonly underestimates herself, even before and he feels that he probably only strengthened that relationship by ignoring her all those years. It's the least he can do.

**_-----_**

So they shouldn't all be sleeping together. There shouldn't be two wiggling giggling bodies (and one snoring dog at the foot of the bed) in between Derek and Addison who have closed eyes praying that someone will strike their kids with lightning and just let them fall asleep. After an unsuccessful round of bottles, rocking and slow long lullabies they gave up. Gave up and took them back to their king sized bed that usually holds either orgasming or sleeping occupants.

"It's not working Derek." Addison whines trying to roll onto her side as Carter grabs a fistful of flaming hair. He's asleep, somehow being kicked in the side and elbowed in the ribs was conducive to rest and there he is. Relaxed breathing, chest falling down and rising slowly, eyes peacefully drawn. She huffs angered by his ability to sleep through this when he is a typically light sleeper and stirs over things she never would hear. It's a wonder he slept at all in New York.

After being jabbed in the side repeatedly and one playful reminder of why she was not into having her breasts squeezed these days, no matter the owner of the hands, Addison surrenders to the notion that she should give up and get up. "Alright I'm up. Mommy is awake for the whole day, thank you very much."

"Mama!" Carter squeals looking toward her before rolling over when she sits up.

"Yes. Me mama you Carter." She reiterates with a smile wider than anyone should have before the sun rises and tapping his nose. She knows he doesn't really understand yet but that's not the point; her heart is still soaring from hearing those words for the first time.

"Mama, mama, mama." He babbles again sitting up and trying to follow her toward the shower.

"Oh, wait. Damn you Derek." She sighs, resigning herself to the fact that a shower isn't in the cards let alone the hot, steamy shower sex that her body is beyond craving. Almost more than the peanut butter downstairs. She ponders the logic of putting peanut butter into oatmeal before hoisting Carter onto her hip and grabbing Collin's hand. The slowly, tediously make their way down the stairs and she has them spitting strained bananas and cheerios all over their respective high chairs and car themed bibs before Derek stumbles down with chaotic hair, reaching blindly for the coffee pot.

"I hate you." She says pointedly.

"You're just jealous." He smirks and takes his steaming coffee to the back porch so as to throw around the ball with Graham for a little while before needing to drive the now family friendly vehicle in to work. The dog barks excitedly when he steps out onto the deck and takes in the clean, crisp morning air.

"It's a good morning," he grins before bending over and grabbing the tennis ball that was impatiently dropped at his feet the moment he stepped into the cold.

**_-----_**

A short while later Derek coughed into the phone and told Miranda to inform Richard that both he and Addison had come down with something. On day number two he managed to go in "sick" but demanded that his poor feverish wife stay at home with the kids and rest and now on day three Richard is standing at the door impatiently ringing the door bell of their new home. If he wasn't annoyed he would have to note how welcoming the property is compared to his dingy trailer in the woods and if he wasn't pissed off at his two star surgeons he would be able to recognize how happy they look through the window before Addison pulls the door open with a small child in tow. He brushes by her into the house to find Derek covered in multi-colored food and peeling his shirt off. Slightly embarrassed he folds his arms over his chest and offers a, "Morning Richard."

"Morning Shep. Get some clothes on and get back out here, we need to talk," he slowly turns to Addison, "alright show me the closest thing I am getting to grandchildren before he comes back and I have to yell."

With a grin she leads him further into the house and the boys hide sheepishly behind her half dressed form of a white blouse and her plaid pajama pants, all complete with one slipper. She must have lost the other in transit. She kicks it behind the end table and tries to straighten her unruly tangled hair.

"Hello I'm Uncle Richard." He states smiling down at the two bodies.

"Grandpa Richard." Addison corrects with a smile.

"Grandpa sounds old." He wrinkles his nose.

"How about Papa Richard or just Papa?"

"Better." He agrees and paces the room pausing to look at the new wedding reception photos that grace the fireplace mantle.

"You look good."

"Well aside from the no sleep thing I feel pretty good, which I should probably talk to you about. I only got about an hour last night and I don't think I am in any condition to operate."

"Nice try Addie." He takes a seat in the recliner waiting as Addison pushes the boys forward. "Their names?"

"Oh…uh. Sorry. This one is Carter and this one is Collin."

He transcribes it to memory trying to pick out differences in appearance to tell them apart later and gets nothing. They are to the eye, identical and it's kind of unnerving to have two sets of the same eyes staring back up at you.

"Alright, what's up Chief?" Derek asks having returned dressed for work.

"You two are not sick."

"No." They chorus together and Derek adds, "Unless you count Addison's never diminishing se-"

"Derek!" She shrieks in horror hitting his chest with an open fist.

"I don't need to know." Richard recites standing back up.

"I was going to say secret love of peanut butter not sex drive." He tells her too loudly.

"Great, just great Derek. Thanks." She mumbles blushing and turning into his shoulder to hide her mortified face.

"Hey!" Richard shouts grabbing their attention as Derek slings one of the dark headed children into his arms. If it weren't for their bluish green eyes and distinctly different noses it would be hard to discern that they were adopted at all. He blames the hair. "I came here to make sure you go to work. I know you are having fun playing house and all and I would gladly give you more time off but we agreed."

"I know Richard and I," she emphasizes, "am sorry for putting you in this position. It's just we haven't found anyone who can watch them and I don't want them in the hospital all day long."

"We have a very good nursery."

"I know but right now it's better if they have something constant. Leaving them with a bunch of other kids in an unfamiliar place is not an option, it's just not." She finishes holding her ground and looks at her mentor with pitiful eyes.

"You two need to work something out. Swing shifts, a nanny or…something. I'm not going to keep playing this game. Derek take the day off."

"Why me?" He chokes out. He hasn't been truly alone with the twins ever.

"Because I need Addison and I can do without you."

"But I'm head of neurosurgery." He counters feeling unwanted.

"Babies trump brains Shep, don't you know that yet?" He gives with a chuckle before mussing whatever child's hair. "Addison you ready?"

She looks to her legs and then her bare feet before scoffing, "Clearly."

"I can wait."

"I'll show up Richard. It's not that big of a deal."

"I'm just making sure." He settles back into the chair and reaches for the discarded newspaper next to him. It's nice to be in a real home.

"Oh well make your self at home then I guess. Derek get him some coffee." She demands heading for the stairs. Instead an arm tugs her into the kitchen and pins her to the counter. "Derek not now."

"You can't leave me." He whispers.

"You'll be fine."

"I haven't, I can't. They don't eat for me, they don't sleep for me. I'll go in." He offers placing a hand on both sides of her and nuzzling into her neck before kissing lightly.

"You're going to operate on uteruses? And deliver babies? And-"

"Please." He whines trailing his lips up to her jaw and then capturing her mouth.

She pushes him back. "If you think you are going to win by making out with me in the kitchen you are wrong, dead wrong." Removing his hands from the counter he takes a few steps back playfully tugging on the drawstring of her pajamas. "Derek." She warns.

"Addison."

"Let me go and I'll try and come home for lunch."

"Promise?" He growls into her ear before nipping the lobe.

"Yes, I promise I will try. Now stop yourself before we end up in a compromising situation on the counter and Richard walks in because-"

"You know how to be quiet."

"I'd rather not test it these days."

"Ok." He relinquishes control over her pants and presses a soft kiss to her stomach before kissing her cheek. "Have fun at work."

"I usually do," she assures him, "and you're going to be fine."

**_-----_**

After four babies and one c-section very early into her mountain of paperwork Addison gave up on the fact that her day could be structured and serene. Grumbling into his voicemail she announces that she is being pushed into another emergency surgery and she doesn't foresee being able to come home before seven tonight. She pushes the phone closed and drops the chart into its holder. With a sigh she caresses her stomach before pushing back and heading off to scrub in.

"Yang, can you check that?"

After being roped into a surgery when Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd threatened to take some of her interns instead, Cristina removes herself from the surgical field and heads toward the beeping, vibrating pager. "ER. 911."

"I'm in a 911; damn nurses need to learn how to check the board." Addison mumbles carefully pulling back and reaching for a new instrument when Cristina joins her side again.

"Suction please 2." She orders helping her attending clear the area.

"2?" Addison asks looking to the poor frightened intern on her left.

"Well I can't very well learn their names. I have things to do, I need to focus."

"I learned your name." Addison counters hearing the pager sound again.

"Yang-"

"Got it." She groans stepping back again. "911. ER."

"Call down there and tell the idiot who keeps paging me to open their eyes and recognize that I am up to my elbows in placenta and am not readily available to come to their rescue."

"Damn." Cristina mumbles at the sudden outburst before snapping her gloves off and lifting the receiver on the phone. "Dr. Shepherd?"

"What?" Addison asks patiently.

"It's Dr. Shepherd in the pit. Says he needs you to come down immediately."

Smiling sweetly at her husband's persistence, "Will you explain to him that I can't be down there for about another hour?" This isn't going as well as I anticipated." She frowns turning back to the patient.

"Ummm…Dr. Montgomery?"

"What is it Yang, I need to finish this up without your incipient tone."

"They said it's something to do with your sons. Cole and Carnin."

"Carter and Collin." She corrects her heart jumping into her throat as a rush of adrenaline bubbles through her core.

"Yeah, that."

"Yang, take over." She demands stepping back.

"Wait, what?"

"Do it. You've seen this before, get in there and get that baby out. Dr. Whitman will supervise." She shouts as Cristina moves hesitantly forward. Throwing her gown and gloves to the floor and scrubbing out as fast as possible she finds herself rushing through the halls and nearly toppling over a moving gurney before hitting the elevator for the longest ride of her life. The anxiety forces all the worst case scenarios possible to come to the surface. Head injuries, broken arms, swallowing of marbles, burns, and cuts all vividly dance before her eyes as the numbers illuminate in her downward spiral.

**_-----_**

Derek stands twisting his wedding band relentlessly around his finger, wringing his hands until the circulation tries to give out while the nurses and doctors swarm his sons in the emergency room. Finally a familiar face emerges and he shuffles along behind Miranda until she turns inches away from his face, well his shoulder but his face if she was tall enough, it all feels the same anyway with her force. "Where do you think you're going?"

"With you." He states taking a step back.

"No. You can't help, stay out here." She asserts waving at the bustling hallway.

Against his better judgment he follows as she turns to slam door of the trauma bay in his face. "Derek, you can't help and the longer I stand out here talking to you the more time passes by in there. A bunch of E.R. interns and good for nothing nurses trying to save your boys, you want that?"

He swallows and shakes his head wordlessly.

"Then get out!"

Stepping back his eyes lock with Addison's as she breaks free from the metal doors and rushes forward. With wide eyes that are threatening to brim over at any point he grasps her arm trying not to shake.

"What happened?"

"I fed them peanut butter." He tries to explain. The allergic reaction was definitely not anticipated or welcome during the afternoon feeding.

"What!"

"I was making lunch and I thought they may like-"

"They don't, you don't. God Derek! Move." She wriggles out of his grip and marches through the door with a look that may as well have killed him on the spot. Sinking to the ground and clutching his face he lets the feelings wash over him carelessly until a hand on his shoulder alerts him to another's presence.

"Meredith." He chokes out.

**_-----_**

* * *


	11. The sky went dark and it all comes down

A/N: I'm unsure about how I feel...this could be because I have stared at the chapter too much or it's crap. I have no idea any more. Thanks for your patience on my slow turnaround and thank you to, **escapismrocks** who catches my mistakes. Enjoy-  
**_  
_**

**_ -----_**

**_But I fear I have done you wrong_**

**_Because I've failed you so far_**

**_The chord that struck, an angel fell_**

**_The sky went dark and it all comes down_**

**_The choices made, the lies forgotten_**

**_Oh, well_**

**_…_**

**_This is the way that I know_**

**_I would give everything for some hope_**

**_Are you different, could I be different too?_**

**_Nobody knows you, nobody knows you like I do_**

_- The Classic Crime, "Say The Word"_

**_-----_**

"Meredith." He chokes out.

"I heard." She whispers giving his shoulder a light squeeze and placing her forehead against his when he looks like he might fly off the handle. "They're gonna be okay. Bailey's the best."

"You don't know that." He doesn't notice how close she is, doesn't realize how awkward their positioning is as his head swarms with possible outcomes.

"I don't have a faith in a lot of things Derek but I have faith in Bailey. Your sons will be just fine." She lightly reaches up and places her thumbs under his jaw in order to gain eye contact. "They'll be fine." She reassures him again.

**_-----_**

She nearly gags when her new children come into plain view. Hooked up to monitors, tears streaming but no sounds coming from their swelling mouths. Their eyes dance in fright until they see Addison ten feet back and then legs are kicked and arms are thrown into the air with a series of mumbles.

"Addison get out." Miranda states adamantly without even looking behind her to see who is there.

"I'm not leaving them." Addison asserts gaining strength and moving her feet forward. She places herself at the back of the room between the two toddlers. She brushes the dark wisps out of their eyes and presses a kiss to each one of their hands while whispering soothing nonsense in a low hum.

Miranda shakes her head and tries to set about doing her job. Doing her job in front of someone who is essentially her boss but more importantly a valued friend and an esteemed colleague. After a few precautionary methods she announces them stable enough to be transported for a full work up in order to avoid any more chaotic situations in the future. They step into the hall and she tries to compartmentalize and leave her mom-side out of the conversation. "Ok, this is where you stop."

"I told you-" She cuts herself off seeing a very involved Meredith and Derek a few feet away. Her stomach twists and untwists its knots until she feels like vomiting on her own shoes. However, she has bigger problems then her husband's ex-mistress to worry about right now.

"No. You listen to me. You may be my boss and you may be terrified but I am telling you that they are fine and you can't help us for the next forty minutes or so. I will page you when they are ready-"

"I'm not leaving my children Miranda. I'll stay out of the way but…I'm not, I can't leave them." She drags on while absent mindedly running a reassuring hand over her own stomach.

Trying to lock eyes with the taller woman Miranda places a hand on her hip and gives her best serious face while blocking the hallway as the gurneys are wheeled toward the elevators. "I will page you."

Seconds later Derek joins her side after jogging down the hallway and tripping over his own feet resulting in a rather embarrassing power slide that was witnessed by all of Dr. Stevens' interns and Meredith who he accidentally knocked flat on her back when he saw Bailey emerge from the room. "I'm coming too."

"The hell you are. Look stop being stupid and go occupy yourselves and no, no I do not care to know how you plan to do that. I'll page you." She turns down the hallway making it clear to everyone that they need to get the fuck out of her way before she cuts someone.

"Add-"

"Don't touch me." She steams turning on her heel and striding in the opposite direction.

"You don't get to do this; you don't get to be mad at me. I didn't know! We didn't know!."

"Why don't you go sort it out with Meredith?!" She shouts out down the hall and storms away to find the closest on call room.

She swings the door wide open and tells whoever is in there to get out with such force that they don't bother asking why or protesting. Finally alone she kicks off the shoes that hardly fit her swelling feet and tucks her knees as close to her chest as she can manage while rocking back and forth on the small bunk bed. Taking deep breaths she swallows the nausea and convinces herself that the twins are actually going to make it. Deciding that this was probably a good thing so they can get the allergies thing sorted out once and for all she lets her head fall against the wall and uncurls her legs stretching them into the air.

"Addison?" Derek questions popping his head into every on call room until he finds her in the fourth one. "Addie."

"Get out Derek, get away from me. I'm not kidding around right now."

"Well I'm not joking around either."

"Oh, so the scene with you and Meredith all over each other was a serious thing? How long has that been going on behind my back!" She defiantly crosses her arms over her chest and knows she sounds moronically childish but couldn't care less. There's too much pent up anxiety that has to be taken out on something.

"Addison where the hell do you think I would get the time to see Meredith on the side?" He growls and then realizes that he didn't exactly deny the accusation. "I'm not doing anything with her honey, she was just-"

"Did you just call me honey?"

"I-"

"Don't call me that."

"Fine." He scoffs trying to stay calm, "Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd, it was nothing. She was telling me how good Bailey is at her job and how our children, our children were going to be fine." He moves slowly toward her and sits on the cold tile taking her left foot into his hand and slowly kneads his thumbs into her heel before dragging them upwards and earning himself a long groan. "How's your day?"

She glares and then puffs out some air. "Before this?" He nods. "It was good, busy, hectic but good."

"You tired?" He asks reaching out for her other foot. She whines at the loss of contact before settling back against the wall when she feels his touch again.

"I wasn't."

"I'm sorry." He says slowly, looking into her eyes and hoping she'll read how sincere he is.

"It's my fault anyway."

"It's mine. I shouldn't have fed them that, I didn't know. I just figured there were ten jars of it in the pantry and they had zero interest in those carrots…I'm sorry. So sorry, I won't ever feed them again."

"You're going to have to feed them because I can't do it all." She warns as he slides in next to her and guides her head onto his shoulder while tracing patterns on her palm.

"I'll stick to the schedule. No deviations."

"I shouldn't have left you. And you said, you asked me not to and I'm their mother and you didn't know and I do have ten jars of it in the house and I-"

"You are rambling." He reminds her before kissing the back of her hand. "Let's call it a draw. No one's fault…well except theirs for being all defective. Think we can send them back and have them repaired or get new ones?"

Her eyes well with tears and her throat constricts even though she knows he is kidding. Slowly the tears trickle onto her cheeks and she wipes at them quickly so he won't notice.

"Oh, bad time for a joke. I don't want to send them back, you know that right?" She nods against his shoulder. "Ok good. I like them just the way they are and I like you just the way you are. Hormonal and crazy and driving me up a wall with all these demands…" He sighs when she doesn't play along and resigns himself to the lost cause by rearranging them so that they can lie down. His lips lightly press into her temple as she cries onto his black sweater. "Don't cry Addie, they're okay. We're okay; I'm hoping…it's all under control."

"I know." She gasps, "I just can't stop…" She sniffles and wedges her head farther into his embrace embarrassed by her lack of control.

"I can think of a way to change your outlook on life." He grins sliding a hand under her scrub top.

"Derek!" She slaps his hand away and tries to roll over when he stops her.

"You need to cool your jets alright? I was just trying to help."

"You're not helping!"

"Oh, here we go again." He mutters under his breath and immediately regrets it as soon as the fluid in her eyes perks up again.

"Gee Derek if I annoy you so much why don't you just go-"

"Nope." He demands gripping her hand as she tries to get up. "We're not going to fight about nothing. You're staying in this bed and we are going to lay here until we get paged."

"I don't want to be in the same room as you." She seethes attempting to wiggle free.

"Too bad, you're the one who married me. So you're stuck."

"Just my luck." She states flippantly and then lies back down putting all of two inches between their bodies.

"No more talking. This is stressful for me too and we are not going to take it out on each other-"

"Why not? You always-"

"I'm going to pretend that you weren't just headed down that road because you're clearly in tirade mode and need a nap."

"I don't need a nap. Stop treating me like I'm three."

"Stop acting like it then." He musters as much strength as the position will give him to pull her back onto his chest and pushes the few wild strands of hair back behind her ear.

"Maybe I don't want to touch you; can't you just give me some space for once?"

He pulls his head back and looks at her incredulously. "Let's clear something up here. The person who jumped me on the kitchen counter, in the bath tub a few days ago, the couch, our bed, and nearly the stove last week was you. Not me. And don't get me wrong because I am definitely enjoying myself but I'm not trying to have sex with you right now. Right now, I need a little human contact, ok? Maybe I need a reassuring hug but you are too busy flipping out over absolutely nothing and dragging up the past to-"

She cuts him short finally coming back into reality. "I'm sorry Derek. Really, I shouldn't have said those things. I'm just worked up, you know how I get and-"

"It's ok." He says softly when she directs his hand to her stomach where their daughter is engaged in a series of acrobatics. "I love when she does this."

"It's not so bad right now but when she starts kicking hard and jabbing me in the ribs I may blame you." She grins. "I am sorry though, for that little display and doubting you with Meredith and the boys. I shouldn't have left you today. I should have told Richard I was sick."

"We were clearly not sick and I need to learn how to do this without you. I can't be calling you home every time one of them needs something. What kind of dad would I be then?" He stares at the metal bars above their head as she relaxes against him.

"You're a great dad Derek."

"It does not feel like it." He sighs feeling a tidal wave of emotion come down over him. He thought he'd be a natural, a pro at this. He had always wanted kids and played with his nieces and nephews. He literally filled his father's shoes after he died and yet none of it was helping. It only made him feel like a bigger failure.

"We're learning, I'm not very good at this either."

"You are too." He counters immediately. He always feels a little overshadowed in her competent presence.

"I know toddlers Derek, well kind of. They play and rough house and they're kind of self sufficient but this one in here?" She points to her stomach, "I don't think my odds are so good there."

"You work with infants all day Addison."

"I work with sick infants attached to monitors who are fed and changed by someone else and then I go home and don't have to listen to them crying and struggling all night. And the ones who aren't sick have semi-skilled mothers. I don't know if I can do this. Sometimes I wonder, you know?"

"We'll be alright." He states trying to make himself believe it as well.

"You think?"

"I know. You're a wonderful mother and I'm making progress, I think. All their clothes were on properly and I can tell them apart seventy percent of the time."

"And you did get them to eat something…just not a good something." She giggles.

"Yeah, I guess I did. I didn't look at it that way. Thank you." He toys with a few red tendrils as they stare off into their respective spaces waiting for the news, waiting for someone to tell them that it's okay to start breathing normally again.

**_-----_**

Gripping each other's hand tightly they stand in front of Miranda Bailey like she is the principal who just caught them making out in front of the lockers. "So?" Derek asks clearing his throat.

"They're fine." The shorter woman starts.

"Oh, thank god." Addison sighs feeling the familiar tingling of tears not far off. Derek squeezes her hand a little harder to keep her in reality knowing that she'll appreciate it in the long run.

"The labs aren't back yet but I think it's safe to say that you should steer clear of nut related things and…" She eyeballs Derek, "…I'm not even going to bother asking why in the world they were eating peanut butter."

"Thanks." He says quietly looking away from her eyes and into the window of the room that holds his boys.

"They're a little groggy and tired so it would probably be good for us to keep them here for a few hours just to make sure-"

"Yeah, of course." Addison swallows attempting to keep her chaotic emotions at bay.

"You can go in now and I'll find you when I know more." Miranda states before nearly being tackled by Addison in a very unwarranted hug.

"Thank you so much Miranda." She gives up and lets a few tears fall as they may.

"Addison, you're kind of smothering me." She squeaks out being buried into the taller woman's arms.

"Oh right. Sorry." She steps back a little and then turns into Derek's shoulder as he escorts her to their waiting children while both still professing their undying thanks to the resident.

He stands motionless in the doorway as his wife rushes forward and alternates pressing light kisses on the boys' faces and whispering the, "I love yous," that neither child understands but that she believes hold some secret meaning that transcend language barriers. He'd be relieved if it wasn't his fault they were stuck in the annoyingly wallpapered room to begin with. He takes in a fresh breath and pushes himself farther into the room, the very least he can do is support Addison in all of this, it'd be a nice distraction from the feelings that curse him.

Sensing his tension she pulls back from her hovering and tilts her head to the side with a weak smile. "Derek, look at them. They're sleeping and healthy. Look at the monitors, look." She drags his chin to face the machinery knowing he's a person who needs to see it to believe it, especially when his family is involved.

"I'm such an idiot." He relapses falling into the couch next to Collin's bed.

"Derek, we all make mistakes as parents. Every single person out there."

"Not mistakes that land their kids in the hospital." He argues.

"Now I know you remember your residency. Want to try and tell me that sentence again?"

He shrugs and closes his eyes placing his head against the back of the couch. She walks, though nearly waddling, to him and guides herself into his lap hoping she doesn't hurt him. Placing her arms around her neck she rests her head of his shoulder. "I love you."

"I know, I don't know why in god's name you would love someone who nearly kills your children but I do appreciate it….I just- I feel like I failed them and-"

"Derek?"

"Yeah?" He responds pulling her closer.

"They won't even remember this and in a few years when we tell them this story they will be laughing right along with us…and by then who knows what kind of damage we will have done to all three of them." She shrugs. "The important thing honey, is that we're all still here together. Ok?" He nods against her soft skin and she holds him a little tighter knowing he needs it and wasn't kidding that hour ago about wanting human contact. They remain in place, with her occasionally attempting to start a conversation and then giving up and him caressing various parts of her body in an attempt at making himself feel better. He can't wait to get home and go to bed so he can get his do over on the new day.

"Dr. Shepherd?" Izzie questions softly shutting the door behind her.

"Oh, hey Dr. Stevens."

"Hi. Dr. Bailey wanted me to give you these and to let you know that she understands you both know how to read without her having to hold your hands, though she was doubtful about you-" She points to Derek and his shoulders slump forward when Addison pulls herself from his embrace, "Anyway, I should be going. Oh, and Chief Webber told me to tell you," she gestures toward Addison with her eyes, "that you can have the rest of the day off and to never…pull a stunt like this again in order to go home. His words, not mine."

"It wasn't a stunt." Derek replies angrily heaving himself from the warmed old material and joining the group.

"I know." Izzie smiles. "Everything else good?"

"Oh yeah, she's kicking around in there. Things are swell." Addison responds without thought.

"Well I'm glad to hear that." The resident hesitates reaching the door before turning back to get a look at the happy family. Good people deserve good things she remembers and reaches for the door handle; maybe she still has a chance.

"Dr. Stevens?" Addison asks handing the labs to Derek.

"Yeah?"

"Remember when you offered to watch our children?"

"Yeah." She swallows heavily.

"I think I would like to take you up on that offer."

"Oh! Really?" Izzie beams warmly. "I'd be- that'd be great."

"Actually we need someone full time but I think that if you'd be willing to work with us we'd really like to have you as a part time nanny. I know you're busy here and everything and it would only be temporary, maybe a few weeks, until we could find-"

"I'd be honored." She grins honestly. For anyone to trust her after the year she has had feels outright amazing, let alone her former almost mentor whose doting she threw away in quest of another specialty.

"Well, I'll talk to Miranda and we'll get this straightened out then."

"Sounds good." Izzie nearly skips to the door. "Thank you for-"

"Don't mention it." Addison waves her off as she exits leaving them to sort through the day's findings.

"Peanuts, tree nuts and strawberries and everything else came back normal. That's not bad."

"No, it's not and thanks to you we have a house that is reasonably close to this very fine workplace of ours just in case we discover something else."

"I hate just in case." He mutters finally picking up Carter's hand and lightly stroking the smooth skin to his heart's content. He finds it amazing how something so simple can ease his mind. An innocent presence makes the world stop and he can't imagine how it will feel when his daughter is finally here and their family is complete.

**_-----_**

It took about a week to settle Derek's wavering insecurities with the twins and the whole situation left Addison drained and dashing for on call rooms to nap in between surgeries and deliveries. To their mutual surprise Izzie's uncanny abilities with children were impeccable. Not that they were expecting something mediocre out of such a great resident but they never figured that she would be better than them at raising their own children. After a productive night of her helping put the twins to bed she confided in Addison her story about Sarah/Hannah and swore her to secrecy. Addison smiled, gave her a little hug and told her that her secret was safe in their house. Now as they sit reviewing applications for a nanny it is taking everything within them not to beg Izzie to just quit her job and come to work for them full time, it's not like they couldn't match her salary.

"I'm just saying she's really good with them-"

"Yeah and she's turning out to be quite good with my patients and I'm going to need someone to help me out when-"

"I know. But-"

"No, Derek we can't."

He tips his head to the side in deep thought. "Well, we could-"

"No, we couldn't." She spits back angered by their fruitless search. It seems that they have scoured the greater Seattle area and come up with zip.

"Would you just think about it? I mean she can tell them apart which is saying a lot; it's like half of the job. Maybe she could take a little break-"

"Derek, no. Stop thinking about it. It makes this process so much more difficult if we compare her to everything in front of us." She sighs and shoves the papers to the opposite end of the dining room table hoping that a magical nanny fairy will appear and give them the solution.

"You could-"

"I really wish that wasn't the only option." She mutters twisting the rim of her glasses through her fingers.

"Add?"

"Yeah, fine. I'll call Richard in the morning." She huffs out a long breath. "This…sucks."

"You suck." He calls out candidly remembering that morning's excursion in the shower before thinking.

"Oh ok high school logic here; let me see if I can dig that up from memory…" She sputters out as he stands and rounds the table beginning to rub her shoulders.

"Thank you." He whispers into her ear.

"You owe me."

"I know just the way to make it up to you." He grins pushing her hair back and kissing up her neck toward her jaw lightly. He carefully nips at the spot behind her ear before she manages to get out a response.

"You're going to let me perform odd procedures on your non-existent uterus so I don't fall out of practice in the next few months?"

"No." He laughs. "You and me, dinner, Thursday night. Before everyone gets here for the boys' birthday, we'll go out. I'll remind you why you should still love me in spite of my family and-"

"Thursday?"

"Yeah." He whispers lowly.

"Thursday's no good."

"What why?" He whines pulling back and ducking into the chair next to her.

"Derek, we have nothing for that party…and thanks by the way for telling mom, I was kind of hoping that we could have a nice, quiet, small get together with our friends here and now we have to make four trips to the airport in two days….heaven forbid they all take the same flight." She rubs her temples trying to ward off the potential hate and headache.

"I love you?" He tries.

"Oh no, that's not saving you on this one. You didn't even ask how I felt about having them here and we have to have them in our house because it wouldn't be right to put everyone in a hotel-"

"Add, it's going to be fine. Don't stress, just go with the flow."

"If I go with the flow then we will have no cake and a bunch of stranded family members calling us from SeaTac." She reminds him the resentment creeping through her tired voice.

"Do you know how long that woman has been begging us for grandchildren?" He flits through a few applications and then drops his group into the discarded stack. "Do you want me to call and un-invite them?"

"No."

"Well then let's make the best of it and go out Thursday. Please?" He winks at her trying to catch her attention. He definitely hadn't noticed how worn down she was looking until now under the soft light of the dining room chandelier. Perhaps it is a good thing that he forced her to take it easy.

"Fine." She shakes her head and tosses her glasses toward the end of the table with the mounting stack of papers that have no purpose now that she has agreed to take an early leave.

"Hey now, let's not hurt those." He smiles reaching out for the clattering glasses. "I happen to find these to be a very big turn on."

"I look stupid in glasses but there is no way in hell I am going to experiment with-"

"You look sexy. Put them back on." He demands offering them up.

"Derek." She whines pitifully before seeing how exactly turned on he is by the idea. "Why didn't I know this before? Seriously? " She asks motioning to the uncomfortable bulge in his pajama pants.

"Oh you have no idea." He remarks as she slides them back onto her nose and turns away bashfully.

"I feel like we are role playing, this is silly Derek."

"I like role play, we can role play. How about you be the naughty librarian and I can be the bad school boy who forgot to bring his books back on time. You better punish me for all those fines I've racked up."

And with that she loses it and topples over into a hearty laugh letting her glasses fall into her lap as she throws her head back.

"Or not." He decides ashamed.

"I'm sorry Derek…" She swallows the laughter and tries to put on her most serious face, "…but in any of the years you have known me, have we role played anything, ah- outside of Halloween?"

"There's a first time for everything." He shrugs completely turned off by her reaction.

"We can't have a first time if I can't stop laughing." She chuckles covering her mouth with one hand and her stomach with the other. "And your daughter thinks it's ridiculous and she'd rather not be subjected to being within ten feet of the horrible acting scene."

"Addison." He growls standing up.

"Sorry."

"I just don't want you to talk about anything having to do with my daughter and the thought of sex. At least not until she's sixty and I'm dead. I'm going to bed." He grumbles. Slowly she trails behind him laughing the entire way up and well into the next morning. When the alarm gleams a bright five o'clock she effortlessly slips her hand beneath his pajama pants and around him while he reaches to stop the annoying noise.

Jilted he turns to look at her. She continues on relentlessly until he is begging her to let him finish, because morning hours lend themselves to less self control and care. Finally she slowly strips away the shorts that help with the heat waves and the tank top that barely covers her growing stomach. He takes the opportunity to wiggle free of his clothing and prepares himself for the moment when she will slide down onto him.

She teases dragging to deep purple cloth of her shirt over his erection and makes a wet path of kisses down his chest before taking him completely into her mouth and swirling her tongue while murmuring her apologies about the sudden outburst the night before.

Hearing his ragged breathing she pulls away satisfied with how long he has had to wait and feels the impending desire to have him inside of her. She straddles his lap quickly sliding down and begins to rock her hips impatiently. Sensing her need Derek rests one hand on her side helping her keep up the pace and lets the other one drift to her clit where he rubs dizzying circles. He sees her eyes flutter closed, losing the battle to maintain a visual connection with her husband and she lefts her head fall back as the waves of pleasure begin to plague her. He insistently urges her to continue on with the scorching tempo and follows her over the edge a mere few seconds later thrusting upward and giving her a whole new reason to moan.

"Morning." He grins minutes later after they come to in each other's arms.

"Brush your teeth and don't wake me up until you are out of the shower." She murmurs curling into the pillow on her left. He sighs and shifts his legs out of the tangled bedding. "And…good morning Derek." She grins and then closes her eyes again.

**_-----_**

"I can not believe I am fucking doing this with you. My life has sunk to an all time low." Cristina gripes sinking into the red couch and watching Izzie play with the children on the floor.

"Don't swear around them Cristina and I didn't ask you to come. You asked me what I was doing and I told you this and you decided that you should be bothered enough to accompany me." Izzie explains pushing the dump truck across the rug and letting it get caught on the edge which sends it toppling front over end. Collin claps his hands and races to give it back to her so they can watch again.

He loves anything that can be considered destructive Izzie has found and is definitely the more "male" of the two. Carter often times can be found neatly lining his toys up and stacking blocks before letting his brother knock everything over. At one point she had them pegged for completely different personalities, that was until Collin kicked over a very large stacking of plastic multi colored cubes and was promptly attacked by his brother as retaliation. She watches with a smile and tries to not think about her own daughter out there in the world somewhere, very well sick still.

"Listen Barbie, there is no way I volunteered to be in this awkward situation. Let's recall the conversation, shall we? I asked what you were doing and you said hanging out here…"

"And you said that you couldn't figure out why the hell I would want to spend my time here, aside from the money, and wanted to hang around and watch. So the very least you can do is not bitch about your decision and help out a little."

"I don't do kids and I thought we weren't swearing in front of them." She digs through the couch cushions and finding more toy cars and change than she cares to think about given the affluent personalities the owners of the house give off before finally seizing the TV remote to find something entertaining.

"Addison said no TV." Izzie reminds her.

"Addison said this, Addison said that. Listen Iz, they aren't here and it's not like the kids are watching it anyway. What's the worst that could happen?" She mocks and tucks her sock clad feet under her legs.

"They come home and yell? That sounds frightening enough to me. Turn it off." She asserts standing in front of her to block out he large flat screen.

"Ugh, fine. What is it about these two rug rats that you find so appealing anyway? You are constantly blabbing on like they are your children. So far all I've seen them do is spit food all over the kitchen and clap their hands. Oh and that one," she points, "pulled that one's hair while you were out of the room. That was pretty good. I've got to give him that. He's got some spunk."

"Come down here and play." Izzie instructs sensing that she actually cares a little more than she cares to say because there is no way Cristina freaking Yang signs up for a field trip to her bosses' house without some ulterior motive.

"Promise they won't touch me?"

"No." She sighs as Cristina hesitantly moves toward the floor scooting herself back up against the couch when Carter nears her. "What are you doing here anyway?"

"I wanted to-"

"Try again." Izzie cuts her off.

"Dr. Shepherd has an amazing surgery that I would kill to get in on tomorrow at 3."

"I thought Meredith was on that. She has been with that patient since day one."

"Yeah well…" She shrugs and tosses a block for Collin to pick up and bring back to her.

"You're horrible and stop playing fetch with him. The dog is out back if you feel so inclined."

"They have a dog too?"

"Yeah."

"Damn it's like a circus up in here." She glances around for the first time taking in her surroundings. Looking to the many pictures on the wall and random pieces of artwork that somehow tie the room together she resigns herself to thinking that it is probably better that Derek ended up with his wife anyway. There's no way he would have this with Meredith, not matter how much she wanted it. She had a feeling that from that night on out whenever she looked at either doctor she was going to see a family instead of a cool case…and she hated herself for it.

**_-----_**

"You look beautiful tonight." Derek mentions pulling out Addison's chair at their favorite small restaurant downtown. He thoughtfully planned out the evening and was only praying that he didn't get called back in. Through trying to explain to Richard that he really needed the night completely off and undisturbed he learned that there was no way anyone was going to feel sorry for him. He gave up and decided that if his pager was on the lowest volume setting ever in a busy environment it wouldn't be the end of the world. He has no idea when his professional life started taking a back seat to his personal one but he kind of likes it.

It's a nice change and so much more fulfilling when he can soothe the sobs coming from his sons, or his wife, than it is to crack open a skull. Which isn't to say operating has lost its luster, it just doesn't feel nearly as important, as when he is at home chasing one child or the other down the hall to get them in the bath tub that they both hate.

"Thank you." She grins pulling at the hem of the black dress to keep it knee length. Though she would prefer to be out in virtually nothing in the growing heat of the "summer" (which is apparently code for moderate temperatures and slightly less rain) it is nice to be able to get dressed up and not be coated in cheerios or grapes (two household favorites) within thirty seconds.

"See this is nice." He announces as the waiter refills their water. He laid off drinking when she couldn't because it seemed only fair. The one thing he was unable to change was coffee. Too many years of caffeine and the habit wouldn't budge. It only makes him admire her more.

"Yeah, it is." They continue the dinner with moderately light conversation trying to avoid the children topic in an effort to be actual grown ups for the first time in nearly two months. They discuss work, interesting patients, his family and then finally give up and start talking about the upcoming birthday party. After dinner he escorts her through the darkening streets clasping their hands together as they watch the store signs and city lights dance above the puddles.

He leads her into a small bakery picking out something delicious to share for dessert. Settling upon something so chocolaty he wants to throw up thinking about the sugar intake they make their way back down the calming streets wordlessly. He takes the pink lightweight cardboard box from her hands and places it carefully in the back seat before moving to her side of the car to unlock her door. She doesn't question his logic of not pushing the unlock button on the key ring and settles for the warm kiss that awaits her after he pulls on the door handle.

"I think we still know how to date." He smirks tracing her cheekbone.

"We're pretty great like that." She giggles tilting her head to the side effectively achieving a flirty hair toss.

"What do you say we have some dessert on the ferry?"

She grimaces thinking about her rings living at the bottom of the bay and all of the bad moments every single ferry in this city must hold but then quickly decides that it is time to make new memories, better memories. "Ok and if you're really nice to me, you may just get lucky." She hints.

He decides not to argue that he is always nice to her because everyone knows they are them and will continue to lose their tempers and say inappropriate things at less than desirable times. "I pay for dinner and dessert and all I can get is a maybe?"

"Hey, my feet feel like boats in a cargo hold and my back may literally be splitting in two. You should feel blessed that I am even offering. The second trimester is officially over."

He smiles warmly turning the engine over and checking behind them. Though she is only at twenty five weeks and just shy of the third trimester mark he understands. "We don't have to, I was just kidding."

"I know."

"Ok." He signals his entry onto the freeway and merges with the rest of the headlighted cars in the flowing dusk. They watch the fog set in over the haze of the water from their vantage point on the pavement and Derek gently rubs Addison's thigh. At long last they pull onto the ferry to enjoy the rest of their child free evening. They've still got it and it feels good to know that after all of the mutual hell, trust issues and bubbling insecurities that they can still have a safe place in each other.

**_-----_**

* * *


	12. The sadness has taken me far too deep

A/N: So this is long, long, freaking long but I needed to get all of this out of the way so we can move on. **faithchaos**,I hope this makes you smile a little bit and mucho thanks to the fabulous beta, **escapismrocks** and **kedda** for your helpful input on the family situation. And to everyone else- the feedback kicked ass last time, seriously top notch job, you all made me day. Enjoy-

**_-----_**

**_A couple of tears and I'm a broken mess _**

**_The sadness has taken me far too deep in regret _**

**_So sing me a song about something good _**

**_My heart's on the thrashing floor _**

**_And I've done every single thing I could _**

**_I use to believe in _**

**_Some kind of feelin' _**

**_That could change everything I thought I knew _**

**_But that door is closed and _**

**_My heart feels like it's frozen _**

**_If you hear me I can feel you_**

_- The Classic Crime, "The Coldest Heart"_

**_-----_**

"Addison, it's going to be fine." Derek urges from his place on the left side of the bed. He pauses temporarily after seeing her let the trashy novel of the week come to a rest on her protruding stomach.

"You don't know that. You don't know that." She whispers gaining intensity.

"My mom loves you."

"No, she used to love me Derek. I think…maybe even then, I don't know…but she definitely doesn't love me now. We didn't even get a thank you that year for her Christmas present; she probably burnt it when she got it. And last year, we sent everything late thanks to-" She feels the seizing in her throat and presses a tight gulp back willing herself not to cry. It's been a long day, her last day at the hospital for the next few months and it was certainly emotional. She didn't understand why she had to lose two patients on her last day but that was the way it went down and then she spent the rest of the afternoon hiding out in her office doing paperwork attempting to avoid the stares of the many nurses and interns that were anxiously awaiting her evil departure. Now, hours later after an uneventful dinner and only one temper tantrum, resulting in soap filled eyes, out of the twins during bath time she reclines looking toward the ceiling and trying not to think about what will happen tomorrow when the family begins to infiltrate.

"She sent a thank you and she called." Derek states quietly placing his journal on the end table next to him.

"She did? But I never-"

"I never told you. I'm sorry." He holds back from looking at her because it's only been a year and a half since their reconciliation and there are still things that come up time to time that leave him overwhelmingly uncomfortable and reminded of all his old horrible ways. "I'm sorry Add…she really liked that blanket and I'm sure she liked the jewelry but she was at Kathleen's last year and you know how it gets there during the holidays." He pauses and then throws in another apology hoping that she won't cry. She's been doing enough of that today anyway.

At one point the caught her in her office sniffling while pretending to finish charts, later he found her in an on call room taking a "nap" and then before dinner over something he can't even remember. Sometimes he questions if she is worse than the kids. If he thought his family coming would have had this bad of a reaction he wouldn't have invited them but as it stands they are set to arrive starting at seven a.m. tomorrow and no one knows about their nearly seven month surprise or the wedding they weren't invited to. He didn't have time to connect the dots for them over the phone.

"It's ok." She chokes out. "We weren't in a place where…we just weren't- I get it."

"I wish it wasn't so hard to talk about that year still but I think it will get easier." He offers.

"I know. I'm just over emotional and stressing out over nothing right? There's nothing to be worried about?" She grins and scoots closer to him letting her head come to a rest on his bare chest.

"You are a girl."

"Hey! " She playfully jabs him in the ribs until he catches her hand and pulls it up to his mouth, kissing her palm lightly.

"Everything will be fine. Everything will be great Addie…plus we've got out secret weapon." He runs a few fingers over the bump waiting for his daughter to respond. He feels a few taps against his hand and satisfied he pulls back to play with Addison's hair.

"I feel like it is wrong to use our unborn child as a bribing technique with your family. I mean they're going to talk no matter what and I haven't seen any of them since…" She drags out falling quiet. If she knew a better phrase than, "that night", she would use it but instead takes relief in him understanding what she means.

"You've seen Nancy." He points out. "I came out of the shower and she was on my bed," he shakes his head, "she never knocks I swear." He leaves out the part about the Meredith incident, there's no point in upsetting her.

"You lived in a trailer Derek."

"She could have knocked."

"If I was her, I wouldn't have stood out on your porch in the middle of nowhere waiting for some mountain man to come answer the tin door." Except she did. On Thanksgiving, she waited for hours in the woods with only Chinese food to protect her. No point in bringing it up.

"You know? I think you miss it. Maybe we should take the boys out fishing after everyone leaves this weekend. Sunday morning?" He quirks his eyebrows suggestively.

"Ah-haha, you're so funny. No." She stops seriously and looks up at him with a devilish grin.

"Oh, I know that face. You are not going to get me to forget about fishing by taking advantage of me…you know better than that."

She shrugs and lets her hand slide under the red plaid pajamas pleased to find that he is already semi aroused by the prospect. It's only been a few days and true to her word the second trimester is over but sometimes desperate times call for desperate measures. "Uh-huh."

"Addison-" He warns stopping himself as she grabs a hold and begins stroking up and down his length. Letting out a muffled groan his head falls back against the pillows.

"Derek, you really want to talk about fishing right now?" She tilts her head to the side waiting for an answer while picking up speed and intensity. She feels him harden to her touch and delighted she begins to trail the inside of his thighs with her nails.

"No." He aches out.

Pulling her hand back she lets him wriggle free of the fabric as she works her way down his body. Hiking up the silk nightgown she straddles his lap and waits for an agreement. "No fishing on Sunday."

"Addison. We can-" Suddenly she lets herself glide down onto him with a hard thrust. "Oh."

"No fishing." She states again lifting her hips and waiting to slam down onto him. Repeating her motion she gives up, sits up straight and begins to climb off of him. "I better save my energy for Sunday then." Crawling off his lap she slips under the covers and rolls over as he watches with wide eyes trying to call her bluff.

Five minutes later with a more than painful erection he gives in. "Fine, no fishing." Peeking over her shoulder he finds her eyes closed presumably asleep and grumbles before pulling the blankets up and tucking then under his chin. Just his luck.

"Derek?" She calls into the blackness after he turns his light off.

"Yeah?"

"Are you going to get over here and fuck me or what?"

He smirks, "You have a filthy mouth Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd."

"That's Mrs. Shepherd to you and…we both know you like it. Now get over here before they wake up again."

**_-----_**

"You look fine!" Derek calls sitting on the bed and pulling on his other shoe. "Collin tell your mother she looks great please." He mumbles in gibberish to the stuffed green alligator under his right arm and then toddles toward his brother. "Helpful boys, real helpful. Keep playing with those stupid toys. That'll get us somewhere. Addison! Let's go, we're going to be late." He stands and tucks the white button up shirt into his pants before inspecting the twins to make sure no food has made it onto the matching outfits. The poor soon to be victimized collared white shirts and khaki shorts that they just "had to have" according to Aunt Callie. He tried to explain the reasons why matching was always a bad idea but Addison told him to shut up and graciously accepted the gift promising to put it to good use. He gives them under an hour before the light colors are destroyed.

"Add, for the love of God. I saw you a half an hour ago and you looked beautiful then. I can't for the life of me ever figure out what you are doing in-, oh…are you okay?" He spots her hunched over the toilet holding onto the edge for dear life and trying to keep her curled hair out of the way. "What happened?" Moving in behind her he helps her up and lightly traces the edge of her hips when she looks at him. "You okay?"

"I'm fine now."

"I thought we were done with that stage." He replies casually reaching for her toothbrush and handing it over.

She wets the bristles and applies the thin line of minty goodness before responding, "Some days we are, some days we aren't. I'm fine. I'm almost ready. Sorry."

"Do you want to lie down before all of the craziness starts in? I can go alone. I'll even take the boys."

"No, it's fine. I should go." She brushes hastily and spits feeling refreshed. After a quick touch up and pinning her hair back she turns to him.

"You look amazing." He mumbles almost blushing. Even after the fifteen some odd years she's still breath taking and he finds it strange how he ever could have forgotten.

She smoothes the front of the blue dress adjusting the tie that rests right above her stomach. "I feel huge."

"Well, you don't look it. Do you want me to tie that?" He asks pointing the ends of the ribbon-esc material.

"Will you?"

"Got it." He ties it off before giving her a quick peck and returning to find the boys missing from their room. "Uh, problem."

"Problem?" She asks coming out behind him. "Where'd they go? Did you put the-" She spins around on her heels to see that the baby gate is indeed still secured in their doorway.

He ducks to the ground checking under the bed and then begins searching behind random furniture and in odd places like in the large vase in the corner that he is pretty sure they couldn't get into even if they wanted. Peering around the short hallway he finds a door ajar. "Found them, I think." He calls setting forth. He pushes the door of the designated shoe closet open to find half of his wife's shoes on the floor and one in Carter's mouth. "Oh, this is bad. You guys Mommy is going to be so-"

"Mommy is going to be so what?" She sees ten seconds later the reason for reprimand. She hangs her head defeated by the empty clear containers and mixed shoes on the ground. At least, it's a good project in case she needs to escape the family. "Carter Nikolai you get that Christian Louboutin peep-toe out of your mouth right now!"

"He doesn't know what that means…I hardly know what that means." Derek chuckles pulling the shoe from his son's mouth and handing him over to Addison. "We don't have time for this."

"We can't not punish them Derek, they'll never learn discipline." She shifts her weight trying her best to hold Carter firmly in place. Slowly a grin spreads across her face.

"What?"

"He was chewing on my shoe."

"In his defense it is shiny." Derek replies picking up Collin and fixing his shirt.

"He was chewing on my shoe like a dog and I really couldn't care less."

"Yeah?" He asks slightly afraid. The potential for backlash is frightening these days.

"Yeah, I mean I needed to reorganize anyway right? As long they all aren't damaged I'll live."

"I never in my life thought that you would be so carefree with your shoes. They have their own room."

"Things change. These two are more important than some stupid shoes." She smiles before adding, "But I still love my shoes. Make no mistake about that."

"I would never. Alright time to head out. Grandma doesn't like to wait."

They head down the stairs in awkward fashion putting Graham in the backyard before taking the ten minutes necessary to get everything and everyone situated in the car. "Ready?" He asks turning over the ignition.

"As I'll ever be." She smiles back grimly. She watches the road ahead trying to focus on the good things, trying to remember that no one will yell at her in the middle of a birthday party. Maybe before, maybe after but even Derek's family has better sense than to cause an emotional ruckus when strangers are present.

**_-----_**

Forty minutes later it was decided that the best course of action would be to send Addison down to baggage claim where the world wasn't swarming with as many people. Reluctantly, Derek agreed to split up and in turn split up the twins. Now ten minutes later as he scans the arrivals board with a sobbing Carter he is beginning to feel like they made a mistake. Of the two, he took the one more apt to be upset by the separation, but thought that it would be easier if Addison only had one (because as they promptly found the twins have an aversion to anything stroller related) and wasn't being pushed and jabbed by stupid airline patrons. As the months have progressed he has only found himself more protective of his family and is often on edge about all of the potential things that could go wrong in every situation.

After confirming that the flight was indeed not delayed he scans the crowd again while lightly rubbing Carter's back. He clings to Derek's shirt soaking the light material on his shoulder and burying his head in his neck. He carries on oblivious to the scene he is causing. "Buddy…come on now. Grandma would like it if you were happy I bet. You two need to get used to being apart, it's not the end of the world." Finally his eyes catch the short brown hair of his sister coming toward him.

"Derek!" Nancy calls out towing her two little girls behind her, one in each hand.

"Hey." He smiles and shrugs when he realizes that they can't exactly hug with children running around. "Where are Mom and Ted?"

"Hmm…I'm solo this extended weekend with the girls. Something came up apparently. Anyway Mom is using the bathroom and everyone else should be here shortly. They had to get all of their crap off the plane. I swear, they should have just checked most of their baggage but oh no, heaven forbid anything really important get lost."

"Everyone else?" He clears his throat. Today was supposed to be Nancy and his mother in the morning then Karen and Diane at five. Tomorrow held the rest of the event's visitors.

"Yeah. Everyone, everyone. I think we took up half the plane. People wanted to kill us."

"How did you-"

"Please Derek, you underestimate me. How ridiculous is it for us all to be on like seven flights when we could just as easily book one and save you some serious trouble. Where's Addison…and I thought there was another one of these." She points to Carter.

"Oh, there is. She's waiting in baggage claim with 'the other one'; this is Carter who is probably not going to turn around."

Nancy points her heel and drops her children's hands. "Carter? Did you let Addison name them or did they come like this?"

"You don't want to know what they came with. I still can't say it…and we named them together."

"Carter." She states reaching out to take him.

"He doesn't like new people, I don't think-" He stops as Nancy takes him anyway and he bends down to great his nieces. "Hello girls."

"Hi Uncle Derek!" They pummel forward.

"So Carter and…?"

"Collin." He responds lifting up Amanda and hugging her tightly.

"Cute." Nancy responds handing him back when he refuses to stop crying.

"Oh, there you are!" Diane calls out above the crowd of relatives. Derek takes a deep breath and clutches his son a little tighter as they creep in. He's mentally prepared for the haggling, clothes pulling, cheek pinching and inevitable speeches coming from everyone but as he sees them rush forward he'd be lying if he said running didn't sound like a good idea.

"Hey." He smiles. They go through the barrage and block the busy hallway with 'hellos' and passing Carter around. The youngest by only a year Derek can only hope that he will be a favorite, even if he never stops crying. After what feels like an eternity they occupy three elevator loads and a steady stream on the escalator down to baggage claim. Spotting Addison he sets Carter onto the ground and releases his hand while shooting and apologetic shrug her direction.

Squatting, she patiently tries, in vain, to occupy Collin with the stuffed lion while he screams relentlessly. She's been avoiding the stares of the many travelers who probably think that she is beating him. Her eyes rise in time to see her son rushing toward her with a growing posse of people behind him. He runs full board into her arms but in the process manages to knock her over. She feels her ankle twist as her heel stays firmly planted and the rest of her body comes to a rather ungraceful rest on the hard floor. She brushes a few tears off of Carter's face as he continues to crawl into her lap unaware of the people around him. Biting back the string of expletives that are dying to explode forth she tugs the hem of her dress down primly and tolerantly waits until he is done with his hug before trying to get herself up.

Seeing the entire scene, Derek knew something was wrong as soon as Carter hit her legs. Picking up his pace and putting distance between himself and his relatives he jogs over to help Addison rise from her spot. "You okay?" He whispers in her ear placing a hand on the small of her back.

"I'm fine. Can you just hold onto him now?" She smiles seething.

"Sorry. I thought- never mind, they're closing in."

"I feel like we're about to go to the guillotine for beheading."

"Deep breaths." He reminds her and flinches when he notices that most of her weight is resting on one foot. "You're ankle-"

"Do not make a scene Derek. I'm fine, it's just twisted. Let's get this over with."

"Addison!" Nancy calls stepping out of the mess of people. Slowly the gurgling machinery comes to life and the children play while waiting for various bags. The rest of the group holds all eyes on the couple in front of them. Silently they wait for an explanation while glaring at Derek.

"Hey Nance." Addison smiles meekly feeling the power of the bore drilling eyes.

"You are-"

"Surprise?" She grimaces waiting for a response. She knows everyone will have an opinion and she'd be lying if she said she didn't care about each and every one. Derek comes with family, it's a package deal.

"You didn't call."

"I didn't want to bother anyone." Addison explains leaning into Derek who is holding onto both boys' hands as they hide behind his legs.

"You're not a bother to anyone dear." Judith states pulling her into a tight hug and pushing Nancy away.

"Hi-Mom." She replies unsure of when to step back.

Judith inches back first and glowers at her son. "Leave it to my only boy to not tell me that he has children until a week ago and-" She reaches out and grabs Addison's left hand, "You're married again. When did this happen?" She quizzes.

Derek pulls away being haggled by Kathleen and Karen. "Awhile ago." Addison shrugs.

"You can still tell me things." She looks back to the conveyor belt. "Derek, grab my bag. You're in a lot of trouble son." She watches him gripe about not knowing which one it is until Nancy hits him upside the back of the head and points to the same luggage she has been using for the last thirty years.

"I'm sorry." Addison bites down on her lip nervously. It's a blanket apology for everything and she hopes that good ol' Judy will realize that. She can feel the tears churning and would like nothing more than to dash out into the summer rain and hop into the car.

"I know you are. We can talk later." She winks, "Now, we are here for a celebration and I haven't even been introduced to the men of the week."

"Oh right, this is Carter and this Collin." She advises lifting a hand when necessary.

"They're very handsome little devils." She states politely leaving an edge of coolness to her voice. It doesn't go unnoticed.

"We like to think so."

After twenty minutes and literally thanking the deities for no missing luggage Derek finds himself rock-paper-scissoring for who has to take his mother with Kathleen. With limited space and six taxis lined up behind them he loses to paper and helps load in the luggage. "Just have them follow us!" Derek calls to his siblings and their spouses. He climbs into the car and grins at Addison wedged in between the two boys. He suggested a minivan for when their daughter arrives and was promptly met with a purse to the head. Apparently Addison and minivans do not belong in the same sentence. Lesson learned.

"Do you think you have room for all of us?" Judith asks when they merge onto the rainy highway.

"I'm think we do. We went over it a few times, it'll be hectic but we wouldn't want you guys anywhere else."

"Plus there are no hotels conveniently located to our house." Addison pipes up from the backseat after brushing Collin's hair down as he drifts off to sleep.

"It'll be fine." Derek answers turning his eyes to the road.

**_-----_**

One missing cab, two naps, thirty minutes of strenuous lifting and one game of musical rooms later Derek collapses onto the couch next to Addison effectively interrupting her conversation with Nancy. He looks around the oddly empty house to see the rest of the girls in the kitchen preparing lunch. "Where is everyone?"

"Mom's making lunch, she insisted on doing something. And the kids took…what are they're names?"

"Carter and Collin." They both reply at the same time.

"Right Carter and Collin, why did you guys have to do the two C names thing to us? It's hard enough as it is with all these damn kids everywhere…and you better not think about naming that one anything stupid like-"

"Nancy you never finished the answer before going off in your tirade and I, _I_ will name my daughter whatever I want." Addison elbows him and he clears his throat. "I mean we, _we_ will name her whatever we want."

"That's better." Addison commends.

"Well at least now I know it's a girl. Addison wasn't giving anything up."

He smirks. "That's because she guessed wrong and thought it was a boy."

"I thought Jenny was a boy…all the way up until the birth, remember?" They nod and share a quick laugh. "Oh right, I was saying. The kids are out back with the dog and the boys are locked into you game room making good use of that pool table. And I would like to make a formal complaint about having to share a room with Diane and her crazy karate kicking children."

He stretches his arms out above his head and looks to his watch. "Well, I guess I better be going then."

"Derek?" Judith calls from the kitchen.

"Busted." Nancy laughs.

"Damn it." He saunters into the kitchen only to find a very unpleasant conversation with the girls awaiting him. He helps cut peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for the kids (just not his kids) while everyone tells him how big of an ass he is and how lucky he is to be living the life he still isn't accustomed to yet. After twenty minutes and a towering plate of bread later he stops them, "Ok enough! Enough already. I screwed up. I know it, she knows it. We put our past in the past. It's done, it's over and I don't need to hear anymore….and none of you better yell at her. I mean it…Kathleen."

"What? Me?" She questions sitting at the kitchen table and leafing through the newspaper. She doesn't cook in any measure.

"Yes you, all of you! I don't want a word said about anything that happened in New York, nothing about the divorce and nothing about Mark. Things are good, really good and you know what, things are even good with Mark ok? We all get it…and we're happy to have been able to bounce back so well. So…so, if you don't have something nice to say to her…or I…then don't say anything at all." He finishes significantly defeated and then laughter erupts from the room.

"Good to see you learned one lesson in life Derek." Diane mocks throwing a piece of lettuce at him.

"Shut up." He mouths storming out of the room to find the rest of testosterone in the house. He so doesn't miss living with all of those women.

**_-----_**

The rest of the afternoon consisted of being pulled various directions, teaching Diane's husband Steve how to hit something more than the eight ball and chasing kids through the house. Finally they settled the growing group of sixteen kids into one room to watch some animated movie about fish that he can't remember the title of already. After fights over who couldn't see the TV and a few tears he finally got them all calmed and ready. He kisses the top of Collin's head as Karen's oldest daughter Ashley holds him tight and slips out into the hallway.

Slowly he saunters to the living room for designated adult time which after a vote at dinner will consist of moderate alcohol intake and board games. He appoints himself chairman of the men's team when they all settle upon playing, _Battle of the Sexes_. After a take no prisoner's round he loses to his wife's team and is forced to bid everyone goodnight before escorting "the winner" upstairs. He peeks his head into the twins' room to make sure they are still asleep (running around like crazies all day having seriously paid off) and tip toes into his own room; the only room that isn't filled to the brim with occupants. "Hey." He greets her undressing hastily and tugging on some pajamas.

"Hi."

"You know what I think you need?" He asks smirking and crawling toward her.

"What?" She responds with her own exhausted smile. She had forgotten how tiring marathon conversations with Derek's family could be.

"A nice foot massage." He watches her jaw drop when he takes her left foot in his hand, setting the plan into action.

Pulling back rapidly she cocks her head to the side. "How about you get back up here and show me that trick that had me calling your name last night?"

Ignoring her wicked smile he reaches out for her foot again, this time running a few fingers over the swelling skin of her ankle. Nearly shrieking she rips it from his hands and tries not to tear up. "Addison."

"What?" She pouts.

"Give it back; I need to make sure it's not broken."

"I'm a doctor too Derek. Just because you forced me into an early maternity leave doesn't mean that I don't know when something is broken." She snaps defensively.

"Addison." He asserts slipping a hand under the side of the comforter and digging around for her leg.

"Oh fine." Carefully she pulls back the blanket and lets him inspect her injury.

"It's not broken." He smiles caressing her heel.

"Oh, really? I thought I was wrong."

"But you also shouldn't have been walking around on it all day. It's definitely sprained. We might want to have Callie take a look and make sure nothing tore-"

"Derek, it doesn't hurt that bad. I know my limits."

"You constantly push your limits. Please, for me? I saw how it twisted when you fell." He climbs back up to the head of the bed and drags her to his chest.

"Yeah well if you could watch them for more- sorry." She stops herself. "Fine." She huffs as he pushes her back off of him after only being cuddled together for seconds. "Where are you going?" She asks suddenly insecure that she finally made him mad.

"To get ice. You should have had some on there all day but you're too damn stubborn to admit-"

"I'd stop if I were you." She warns.

He places crosses his arms over his chest standing before their wooden door. "I just need you to take better care of yourself. I can't- nothing can happen to you."

"I'm right here Derek. It's a sprained ankle, I'll live."

"I know but I don't like when you…" He drops off unsure of how to explain what kind of anxiety he feels when she is hurt.

"Come here." She calls and he reluctantly crawls in next to her, forming himself around her body and holding her tight. "It's been the longest day since…since I don't know when but I promise you that I don't need ice. All I need is for you to come hold me so I can sleep, ok?"

He nods against her shoulder and pulls the blankets back up around them after switching the lights off and checking to make sure the baby monitor is on full volume. "I'm sorry about the airport. I didn't know that he would-"

"They're stronger than we give them credit for. You didn't know and if I was balancing correctly it wouldn't have happened anyway. Don't worry about it."

"Ok." He waits a few seconds intertwining his hand with hers as the come to a rest over their somersaulting daughter. "She never sleeps." He grins.

"She's everywhere right now but as she grows there will be less room to flip around, thank goodness. I've spent more hours staring at our ceiling than actually sleeping lately."

"What's it feel like?" He asks pressing his palm flat against her stomach.

"I don't know how to describe it really. Sometimes I feel like I have butterflies and other times I feel like I'm a bag of popcorn in the microwave." She repositions Derek's hand to the appropriate spot.

"I can't wait to meet her." He whispers.

"Me either." She lets her eyes fall closed after telling her husband goodnight. She feels him drape an arm over her hip and lightly trace patterns on the fabric of her pajamas. For all of the pain, both physical and emotional, that he has caused there are these moments that make her realize that she wouldn't trade him for anything in the world.

**_-----_**

The first thing she hears is a crash from somewhere in the kitchen, the first thing she sees is the empty bed beside her. Gradually she fully awakens feeling her daughter bounce on her bladder like a trampoline and grumbles about having to get up after just having fallen into a deep sleep. Hobbling her way back from the bathroom she finds Derek placing a tray of freshly made pancakes down on the bedside table. "Hey." She offers weakly.

"Good morning." He gleams back at her.

"What is this for?"

"Nothing." He shrugs and places the tray between them when she clambers back into bed.

"Uh-huh."

"What? A husband can't do something nice for his wife? Especially since his wife has been running around like crazy cleaning the house in preparation for the birthday party and trying to keep track of all of the kids."

"Well, I guess when you put it that way." She teases taking the fork. After a few bites of what she is deeming the best pancakes of her life she hands the silverware to him. "Where are our children?"

"Awake, fed, dressed and being ripped apart by their arm sockets by various cousins." He assures her drizzling more syrup over the stack and reaching for a piece of bacon.

"Why didn't you wake me up? It's my house; I should be down there making breakfast at least. I'm the hostess."

"You're the broken, over worked; tired hostess and I thought you could use the sleep for once. You got up both times last night without waking me and we all know how much you'll be getting in a few months."

"2 hours here and there where I can squeeze it in, Derek we need to talk about this nanny thing. Unless you take leave after this one-"

"I've decided to call her Kernel." He announces before taking a drink of orange juice.

"As in Colonel Mustard?"

"No Kernel, like popcorn kernel. You said you felt like popcorn sometimes and she doesn't have a cute name like peanut or anything so I picked Kernel."

"That's awful. I won't have you calling her that…anyway unless you take leave after our daughter is born I don't know how we are going to manage. I don't think I can do it alone." She swipes the fork back and begins eating like she hasn't seen food in days…or hours. Whichever.

"There's always Izzie."

"No there isn't always Izzie. She has a job and with me being gone they need her more than they did before. It wouldn't be fair to my own staff to take her."

"We should ask at least. Maybe she'd want to do it. She's coming for the party right?"

"Yeah." She murmurs with her mouth full.

"How very ladylike of you Addison."

She swallows and washes it down with a gulp of water. "Oh shut up. I'm hungry and you made breakfast- and oh God, is Mom down there cooking? I knew you couldn't make this on your own."

"Actually," he corrects, "Mom was trying to teach the boys better English last time I saw her. Kathleen made this."

"Is everyone up but me?" She grimaces before shoveling another fork full into her mouth.

"Pretty much."

"Great, just great Derek. You know I-"

Sensing her tension and trying to ward off a nagging speech he maneuvers around and begins to rub her shoulders until she moans. He places a light kiss on the back of her neck and kneads his thumbs into the ever present knots in her back.

"Oh…oh, don't stop Derek." She groans as the door falls open.

"Addison? Oh, gosh I'm so sorry, is this a bad time? Know what, never mind I'll handle it." Diane rambles off her cheeks visibly flushed and eyes cinched shut.

"Diane open your eyes, you freak." Derek calls out. "I was giving her a back massage." He shakes his head when she opens her eyes to find to fully clothes occupants. "What gives? I was trying to enjoy a nice breakfast with my wife." He deliberately uses the term and gauges her reaction. Pleased with the non-result he gives himself a metal pat on the back for a job well done and tries to pay attention.

"There's just an incident downstairs and well he wants Addison…or maybe you. He just keeps screaming, "Mama" over and over but then again I think that is the only word he knows so-"

"Only word he knows in English." Derek spews growing defensive over his son's lack of vocabulary. It's hard and he refuses to let anyone think they are behind the learning curve. None of his nieces or nephews know Russian, he is damn sure of that.

"Right…well, I just figured I should get someone." She dashes from the room still red and rushes down the stairs.

"I'll go." Derek decides kissing Addison fully on the mouth while she tries to chew.

"I should go." She asserts dropping the fork onto the tray and hoping there will be an opportunity to come back and finish.

"Let me see the ankle." She lifts it proudly into the air but yelps when he pushes into the tender skin. "Nope, you're staying here."

"I can't be on bed rest all day Derek. We have a party to attend and the caterer's will be here in four hours, the guys to set up the tent in two and the clown will be here-"

"Do I want to know how much we spent on this?"

"No, definitely not." She inserts immediately before trying to get up only to meet resistance.

"Stay, for me. Stay, rest a little and then I will help you get all dazzling and we will get you downstairs so you can direct traffic…and I'm serious about having Callie look at that before I will let you walk on it more than a few feet. We don't want to do any more damage."

"But-…" She takes a deep breath feeling the hot tears meld together behind her eyes, "But it's my baby and I want to take care of him if he is screaming for me. I know I'm hormonal and it's stupid but I need to see him…please Derek." She pleads letting a few liquid drops out onto her lashes.

"I'll bring him up to you. How's that?" She nods and gulps back the sobs reaching for more water.

When he returns with Carter she sees a small blue band aid on his knee. He reaches out for her as soon as they enter the door way and no sooner is he on the bed than does he scurry into her lap and begin crying again. She smoothes down his hair and holds him close as she rocks back and forth. Slowly her tears begin to mesh with his as their cheeks press together. "You're okay, Mommy's got you." She whispers into his ear instinctively.

Four minutes later he bounds from the room smiling with his eight year old cousin Justin and Addison is reduced to turning away so no one but Derek will notice the growing issue of concern with her emotions. Instead of trying to talk about it he settles for holding her close and physically telling her that she's safe. Eventually she calms herself down and apologizes while trying to explain.

"I don't have to get it. As long as you're okay you can cry as much as you want, whenever you want. Just let me hold you and try and soothe it away, ok?" She nods and he helps her hop into the bathroom to get ready. She bats his hands away when he tries to undress her citing that she is not incompetent but throwing out that if he'd like to stick around for her shower he would be more than welcome to join.

**_-----_**

Two hours later emerging from the steam she asks his opinion on the fiftieth outfit of the day. He's fairly certain he has never seen any of these clothes before and was still bored on the third attempt. He knows what will happen; they always go back to the first outfit. Heaven forbid they just go with the instinct before they try on everything in the house. As predicted she emerges from the closet again with the light purple dress that flows down to her knees. He smirks and lies back on the bed yelling, "No heels!"

"Derek I'm not stupid." She quips. Instead she returns with 2 inch sandals and slides in next to him to tug them on.

"Let me rephrase Add. Nothing with a heel or lift of any kind." He grabs the shoes from her hand and tosses them to the ground eliciting a satisfying thud. "Now, I'm going to go in there because you didn't do it right the first time and you will wear what I pick." He puffs his chest out like a rooster and leaves her laughing only to return with a pair of silver beaded ballet flats. "These." He demands in a caveman-like voice.

"No. Those make my ankles look fat. I need to be in something with a little bit of height to it or I'm going to look ridiculous."

"I'd like to point out that that ankle is fat because you hurt it and the other because Kernel here is doing all kinds of tricks to you. Now you will wear these and you will like them because I think they match and I think they will fit." Years and years of shoe picking and outfit helping and he really doesn't have a clue but it sounded good.

"Derek…" She whines pitifully trying to get him to give in.

"Nope, no amount of pleading or begging is going to save you on this. Put them on." She does as instructed and heads into the bathroom to secure her hair into a tight bun. "Leave it down!" He calls after her.

"Why?" She pops her head out. She leaves out the logic of not having anything hanging down for the twins to grab onto and yank.

"Because I'm picking today and I think it's sexy down so leave it."

She bites her lips and grins, "You're kind of bossy today."

"Damn right I am."

"Alright then Captain let's get downstairs before people start arriving." She walks slowly for his benefit toward the door. "Come on, let's go."

With a dopey grin he admits, "You look beautiful…you know that right?"

"I do now." She blushes as he finally joins her wrapping an arm around her back and insisting that she lean into him as they take steps.

**_-----_**

After a rousing round of 'Happy Birthday' and some very suspicious activity between Mark and Callie disappearing for an hour the group finally gathered in the back yard on a cloudless day. The tent, as a precautionary measure, now serves as a shaded place for the women to relax and drink while the men (including Nancy, Callie and Cristina) run circles around the children in a game of touch football. Miranda Bailey after confirming with Richard declares Derek's weak team the official losers so he slaps Mark's back in congratulations and heads off to find his wife who has been missing for the better portion of the last two hours. Climbing the stairs he finds her slouched up against the bath tub drying her eyes with a piece of toilet paper. "Honey?"

"Oh, gosh. Hi, sorry." She replies instantly brushing the sorrow off for a smile.

"Who said something?" He asks reaching for her hand and helping her stand back up.

"No one said anything. I was just overcome and-"

"And you decided to walk away after I repeatedly asked you to stay put without someone's help. Callie won't even clear you until she gets to do some x-rays so who made you feel the need to escape?"

She shakes her head combating the emotions again. "No one said anything. No one will say anything! They just keep looking at me and saying nice things to my face and giving me that look that makes me…no one said anything Derek. Come on; let's get back down there so we can start the presents. I'm sure the boys will love that part."

"The boys are busy trying to chase down Mark and Nancy around the backyard. Speaking of- Yang has a surprisingly good arm, remind me to not piss her off. What happened?"

She rolls her eyes and tries to push past him. "I said nothing."

"Nothing is a good thing, I told them not to say anything that would upset you because we were over it and definitely didn't need their opinion on the situation. I thought-"

"I want them to yell at me. I want them to tell me how stupid I was to sleep with Mark and fuck up my life and instead all they do is pick on you for it. You didn't do that, I did! And I'm sorry and no one will let me apologize and feel guilty for my actions. It's…unnerving. I need something to happen so we can all stop pretending. I'm exhausted."

"You put a lot of thought in that." Derek replies running a few fingers through his wavy unruly hair. He takes a deep breath and squares off with her placing his hands on her hips. "No one is going to do any of that to you and if they do they will be sleeping in the backyard under that ridiculous tent with all the balloons as their bed mates, ok? No more feeling guilty about something that happened years ago. We both played our roles and if we are okay with it then they need to be too. I'm going to ask who it was again, then I'm going to go handle it and then we'll do presents."

"I'm not telling." She whispers because it is every last person in his family down there, excluding the children who don't know any better and Nancy who really couldn't care less for some rationale or another. She knew she always liked Nancy the best for a reason.

"They don't get to do this to you, to us. I won't-"

"Let it go Derek." She draws in a large puff of air. "Let's get this over with and get everyone out of here." Sighing she crosses the room and heads out the door leaving him to figure out the mess. She finds Izzie in the nursery alone on her way downstairs and decides that she probably could use a little pep talk or at least a friend in the darkened blue room. "Iz?"

"Oh, hey. I was just watching them." She points to the field where another game has picked up. "At least you know they'll be sleeping all the way through tonight."

"True." Looking out the window she sees Mark tackle Callie with far more than the one hand touch rule tossing her into the air and ripping the ball from her hands before running for a touch down with a kid on his back. Who would've thought, she realizes and then pushes the thoughts away. Life is better this way, life is right this way.

"Sometimes I wonder what it would have been like if I kept her. I mean, I know I did the right thing and I try not to think about it a whole lot because I know she's better off…but still I can't help but wonder."

She sets her hand on Izzie's shoulder. "You will be a wonderful mother when the time comes."

"You think?"

"I know." She confirms and watches for a few more minutes hearing the shouts and the whistle that Richard insisted on wearing. She was fairly certain that if she would have allowed the full referee's outfit he would have been all over it. She glances at Miranda bouncing Tuck on her hip and recognizes that she can't wait to have her daughter out there in the mix. "I think it's time to let them rip into presents…you know before the sugar high dies down."

"Good thought." Izzie replies tearing herself away from the window.

"Izzie? If this, if helping us was too hard on you…I apologize, I didn't know…and I don't want you-"

"This has been the best part about the whole last year Dr. - Addison."

"Ok good because we'd, Derek and I can't find anyone else who is as qualified or someone who cares as much about our children as you do and…we know you'll probably say no because a surgeon isn't made for a dull life but…we were wondering if you'd like to maybe do something full time for us for a little while. At least until we are settled with the new one." She rests her hand on her stomach subconsciously and smiles when she thinks about the ridiculous nickname her child has.

"I think I'd really like that." She replies without thought.

"You can think about it. I know Richard will do anything I ask and it would only be a for a few more months-"

"I'm not a surgeon Addison. I thought I was and I'm not, I'm just not. I don't have it in me anymore. I pushed myself back into the hospital after Denny's death and I have regretted it every day of my life. I've made the worst decisions and turned into someone I don't even know anymore. I need a break. I need to step back and reevaluate what the hell I'm doing." She admits quietly.

"Well I'd like to officially welcome you to the chaos." Addison smiles hugging her loosely. "Present time."

"Right…and thank you for everything…it's really-"

"You've done more for us then we have for you, trust me."

They join the group back outside and finally round up the bouncing two year olds. Placing them on a blanket in the grass Addison decides to just let the go wild and shows them how to unwrap things before setting them free. She watches at they pull at bows and ribbons, dig into bags and shred paper with their tiny little hands. Her eyes dance around the crowd of people that came together for something so seemingly insignificant as a two year olds' birthday. Granted there was free alcohol and food but as she watches the family members, coworkers and friends laugh when Collin puts a box on his brother's head she can't help but feel blessed to have each and every one of them in her life; in her children's life.

As David helps take the bright orange dump truck out of its box Addison finally finds the one face she has been looking for. Out in the distance of the tent, in the corner not crowded by personal belongings and discarded plates and cups she sees Derek conversing with his mother. She notes his tense body language, sees the vein threatening to pop out of his head and decides it is time to intervene.

"Derek?"

"Addison. It's okay. Just go." He replies without looking her way. He stamps his sneaker into the mushy grass and twists snapping the roots, killing the stems.

"I, Mom?" She looks to Judith who hasn't been bothered enough to acknowledge her presence.

"Addison, go." Derek instructs more firmly watching her grow confused. "Please, honey, go back to the boys and just do something."

"You missed it, after I told you to leave it alone, you missed it." She aches out.

"Missed what?"

"You missed them opening their presents. You missed all of it!" She shouts at him before taking off into the house.

"Gee Mom, this talk about me adopting children who have no place in your family has been really great but if you'll excuse me I need to go do some damage control." He bites back ferociously.

What started as an innocent conversation about Addison led to the real reason why everyone was on edge, or at least claimed to be. He just never realized how close minded his family could be and if he has any say Addison never will. The only problem is he has no way to explain how it is none of her doing without giving away the real issue at hand. The thought of kicking them all out on their asses crosses his mind but he knows that the subject wasn't fully discussed and he could be mistaken so he stomps away ignoring the calls that come to his back and sets out to find the only person in the world who can make him feel right about everything…even if she is livid.

**_-----_**

* * *


	13. Just trying to please the ones you hate

A/N: It has been just a little while, no? Apologies. I forced myself to finish at least one chapter of everything else I had going on before I would let myself write this. Hope you still remember it and thanks to **escapismrocks** for the read through. Enjoy-**_  
_**

**_-----_**

**_A summer drive away from dying _**

**_A broken heart, nothing to lose_**

**_I know it hurts so bad just trying to please the ones you hate to love_**

**_And I wrote this note about someone I used to know_**

**_So I'd remember how life can be so short when your left alone to wonder_**

**_How it is someone opens and shuts the door_**

_- The Classic Crime, "Headlights"_

**_-----_**

"Addison!" Derek calls hot on her wobbly and admittedly a little waddling trail. "Stop. Just stop and give me a minute!"

She spins around face full of fury, tears ready to work their way down her face and presses a hand to hip before letting the other one fall to the back of the couch. Evan at age 15 is smart enough to horde the other two younger children back outside so that they can escape the showdown. "Are you going to tell me something I don't already know or are you going to patronize me and make me feel stupid and hormonal?"

"I…I…I don't even have a way to answer that." He admits shyly with a grin.

"Damn it Derek, I'm serious right now and you're smiling!"

"I'm sorry, you should…well you should just see you right now, you'd be grinning too. You're all kinds of worked up." He bursts out and realizes that there will be hell to pay for this later.

"Oh yeah, I'm sure I'm a riot." She fuses her eyebrows and straightens her mouth as he begins to laugh out loud. "I'm going upstairs. Please tell our guests that I needed a nap and that I'll be back down shortly."

He follows her, offers her a hand going up the stairs and eventually ends up with her full weight on his shoulder as they creep down the hallway. "I told you to stay off your ankle."

"And I told you to leave your mother alone. Apparently we both listen well."

"Yeah well my issue doesn't have me walking like a one-legged pirate. Arr, matey." He snarls with a mock pose and carefully helps her onto the bed, waiting for her to settle down and appreciate the joke. "Listen Addie, I am very sorry that I missed the boys opening their presents but Diane is down there recording every second no matter how boring it is so I am certain that I can watch it a few hundred times to make it up to you."

"They aren't boring, they are our children!"

"I didn't say they were boring, did I?" She shakes her head feeling half psychotic and slightly defeated. "I'm going right back down there-"

"Why'd you have to stir it all up Derek? Why couldn't you just leave well enough alone for once? No, you have to go corral your mother into the tent and push her- she already hates me, I don't need any help."

"It's not you." He admits quietly and shuffles up the bed to rest his head next to her.

"Then why did you have to-"

"Hey, wait a second before you fly off the handle again." He places his hand in the air and waits for her to comply. "Sometimes my family is loud and crazy and obnoxious and-"

"I know all of this." She interjects letting her hand fall protectively over her stomach as their daughter begins to stir from her nap.

"Let me finish. And sometimes they make bad decisions and they're stubborn and I-"

"They hate me?" She squeaks.

"No, well I don't know honestly. I don't think so. Nancy doesn't."

"Nancy loves anyone who is willing to call you on your crap." She asserts reaching for his hand and snuggling into his chest fully prepared for said nap.

"True. But I went down there and I was just going to ask her to tell them all to knock it off or leave-"

"We can't throw them out Derek; they are only in town until tomorrow night and we-"

"I know that but Addie-"

"No. They're staying." She reaffirms.

"You don't understand."

"I know that they're your family Derek and I know family is important and I know that mine is never ever around and couldn't care less and I know I want our kids, all of them, to grow up in a big crazy family where things are always chaos but in the end it's okay because they know how much they're loved."

He's not sure whether or not he should shatter the dream of hers or keep letting her believe what she wanted. Before, the first go around of marriage he kept things hidden sometimes in the name of saving face, sometimes because he was too tired but what he knows now is that he has to say something. At the end of the day it is him and Addison not him and his mother and sisters. "Addison, I need to tell you something."

The crispness of his voice alarms her and she can feel her heart rate instantly increase. She tilts her head up and regards his blue eyes shining. "Ok."

"I know that you think my family is the kind of perfect that you never got-"

"Nothing is ever perfect Derek. Don't make me into a bleeding heart romantic with some disillusioned view of the world."

"Ok." He lightly strokes the top of her head and hears the children shouting outside for Mark to give them a chance for once. "So I went to talk to Mom about what was going on and it wasn't what we-I thought."

"I told you not to bother with it."

"I know." He states a little gruffly, growing wearing of her constant interjections that are usually cute and make for good banter but only disrupt the thought process in his head. "And you were probably right…like always." He rolls his eyes distastefully. "But I had to ask anyway because-"

"Because you are insane and over protective for no reason."

"Yes, that." He falls quiet for a second and tries to think of a way to word this predicament, "She doesn't like Carter or Collin. I guess no one does." He shrugs.

"What?" She sits up and turns around to face him, cautiously keeping her ankle from bending too much.

"Nancy seems fine and I didn't exactly get to finish the conversation before you came over but-"

"How can they not like our kids?" She asks raising her voice.

"I don't know. She just said that-"

"They have been nothing short of wonderful since they have been here and frankly I'm a little weary of it and kind of just waiting for a temper tantrum or fight but so far…nothing. We put them in our house and they decide they don't like two year olds. I don't…I don't understand." She shakes her head and scoots back.

"I don't get it either but I am going to go talk to her until I do, okay?"

"I want to come." She states almost defiantly wiggling her way toward the edge of the bed.

"No Addison. Let me; just give me time with them to sort it out. You don't have to-"

"They're my family too right? That's what you keep saying and I don't care if they hate me and call me a whore to my face, I deserve that-"

"You don't-"

"I deserve to be punished and that's okay, I'm ready for that. I've built myself up and I can handle whatever they want to throw at me but I just don't understand why they don't like them...Maybe they hate me and thereby hate the kids because we ruined your life or-" She stands pitifully leaning against the bed frame and waiting.

"Hey, hey. Don't give them that much credit, that's way too twisted for their meager abilities. And they don't get to do that to you either. Maybe you think you deserve it but I don't. We've moved past that and sometimes things are still painful and what not but you're my wife and I get to be angry at anyone who is trying to hurt you." He rounds the side of the bed and loops her arm over his shoulder in preparation. "And I am serious about Callie checking this out tomorrow."

"I know." She grins feeling morbidly excited about Derek being frenzied. It was always the fight that was missing in their first marriage. When things drifted it was just easier not to argue and get angry about things but he's here now and passionate and she can't help but smile even if his family is the devil he claims they are. "I like you all demanding." She grins as they hobble out of the room.

"If you hit on me then we will never make it downstairs and from what I recall you aren't too keen on having sex when other people are in the house."

"Correction. Not when we are in the hall bathroom and they are in the living room. I'm not a prude Derek I just don't like advertising the fact that we are going at it ten feet from your mother where, if she wanted to, she could have plainly heard everything and I mean everything. The walls in that house are paper thin."

"I didn't see a problem." He smirks and she pouts and eventually after a heated, unsteady make out session Derek finally breaks them apart and figures they need to handle the situation now before he ends up shoving her onto the bed and having his way with her.

**_-----_**

After unsuccessfully tracking down any one member of his family Derek found himself situated on the back porch next to Richard who was embracing his role as designated hamburger flipper by indulging in a red apron and matching chef's hat. Mark tipped his hat to the ground at one point but was met with such a bristling resistance and threats of no interns to help him anymore that no one bothered to comment again. Slowly, one by one the hospital staff trickled home leaving Mark stuck playing soccer with all of the kids and Callie as his only ally and coincidently captain of the other team.

"Mom?" Derek calls out as he stares at the women clearing the tables under the tent. Addison was supposed to be retired upstairs in the name of the nap she avoided earlier but he found her wandering around trying to help out in the kitchen during dinner and promptly shooed her out to watch the kids. Now she sits, nearly pained by the thought of her guests having to clean up after themselves and Derek smirks at her scowl.

He drifts over as Mark dribbles the ball back and forth purposely passing to Callie who is on the opposite team. Evan punches his shoulder as he runs by and Alyssa whines in the middle of the field until Izzie comes in off the sidelines and grabs her hand and forces her to play along. Derek watches momentarily musing over how much Mark has grown in Seattle (and coincidentally how much he couldn't care less about everything that transpired between the three of them because things are so different now) before turning away again and finding Collin at his knees tugging relentlessly on the half clean jeans Derek is wearing and whimpering. "Hey there little man. Happy Birthday." Derek reaches down and swings him into the air bringing him swiftly back to his chest against a myriad of giggles.

"Mama." He mumbles against Derek's light blue shirt and rubs at his eyes eagerly.

"I'm Dada. Can you say Dada?" He tugs the green material down over the boys back when it gets too scrunched up and listens to him fumble with the sounds. "It's okay. You'll get it and no one will ever say that you were behind ever again, you'll be talking up a storm in no time…just like your mother, don't tell her I said that." He strokes the crazy dark wisps of hair on his son's head and looks around for the other boy. He finally finds Carter running along behind Graham who is chasing the whizzing soccer ball and barking loudly. His clothes are completely covered in the mud that was torn from the green grass all afternoon and Derek laughs when he watches him fall face first after reaching out for the dog's tail and missing by about three feet. Amused he stands up, without tears and toddles back toward Izzie who has her arms opened wide unafraid of getting down and dirty.

"Hey Derek."

"Hi Richard." He smiles and stifles a chuckle when he sees that Richard's apron is still proudly displayed.

"It's getting a little late and I've got quite a drive so I thought I'd say goodnight now and say thanks for inviting me out."

"Anytime Richard, you know you're part of the family."

The older man looks from side to side in slow realization that while he doesn't actually have any of this in his own life, this is just short of everything he would imagine as a grandfather. "I appreciate that Shep. Take care and oh, I'd say good bye to Addison but she looks like she is about to snap and I'd rather stay away from that if you know what I'm saying."

"That I do."

Richard reaches around and pats Derek's back with a loud clap and lightly kisses the top of the head of the half awake boy in his arms. "Night Shep. See you Monday."

"See you." He shouts to his mentor's retreating figure and then readjusts Collin before heading to the intimidating white topped tent. "Hello ladies." He greets and then deposits Collin into Addison's arms so she won't try and get up and escape. He knows she is barely able to stand walking around without extra weight in her hands.

"Hey stupid." Nancy calls throwing a paper plate into the large trashcan bought for just this occasion. It continually amazes Derek how much Addison puts into things and how many little details she can organize into being the perfect day, with a few inevitable hitches sewn in of course.

"Nancy, that's not nice." Judith scolds and regards her son with and disapproving look to serve as a warning.

"She's not a nice person Mom, in case you hadn't taken notice." Karen reminds everyone and goes back to fussing over the nearly empty tray of cupcakes on the third table jammed into the long row that was used for dinner festivities.

"Oh yeah and you and your four point five kids and white picket fenced in house are fucking saints." Nancy calls back being whacked on the head by Kathleen.

"Ladies. Enough." Judith glares stopping them all dead in their tracks.

"Mom, I wanted to talk to you. Well everyone actually after we get the kids settled down for the night."

"There's nothing to talk about." Diane states and busies herself by helping Kathleen shake out the blue tablecloth on the end table.

"I think there is." He demands growing impatient and watching Addison fidget with the shoelace on Collin's foot as he snuggles further into her chest in search of a comfortable place to sleep.

"Just drop it Derek, it's nothing." Karen insists turning away from Nancy's hateful stare.

"It is something to me!" He shouts trying to grab everyone's attention.

"Derek." Addison warns.

"No, don't Addie. This has to happen, this will happen. I'm calling a family meeting."

"You can't call a family meeting. Only Mom can do that." Kathleen reminds him and places a hand on her hip watching the small boy drift off unknowingly.

"It's done." He stamps his foot into the wet mushy grass and sets his jaw.

"Oh that's not very intimidating son, I've been dealing with that face my whole life." She reaches out and pats his shoulder without noticing Addison is sitting below him. She hasn't voluntarily, outside of simple pleasantries, said anything to the fire haired woman who broke her son's heart those very short few years ago, since her arrival.

"Mom!" He practically half whines and half yells in her face.

"Uh oh, baby brother is getting cranky." Diane teases.

"He always gets what he wants Mom, just give in already and let's get this over with." Kathleen rolls her eyes and sits down with a huff into the collapsible chair next to her.

"Fine but we aren't making it some life or death problem Derek, do you understand me?"

"Yes." He mopes and then turns away to get Carter away from the dog and situated for bath time and waiting for everyone to finally head home.

**_-----_**

They quickly learned that bath time could neither be a separate nor quiet event and thereby decided that it took four hands against four hands and two parents taking deep breaths as their children screamed when soapy foam was rinsed from their heads carefully, to get anything done. The only redeeming thing they have found is salvation in a small rubber tug boat that Izzie brought with her one night. The problem being that there is only one, for now. Addison vows to not keep forgetting to ask Izzie to either bring another or simply ask where the hell she can find one so she doesn't have a pounding headache every night before bed.

"I don't want to do this." Addison murmurs above the screams that sound like their children are being bludgeoned to death.

"Well, I do. End of story." Derek counters and pulls the tug boat from Collin's hands and forces him to share with his red faced brother who just slapped a curtain of water onto Addison's purple dress.

"Derek, I'm tired. I didn't get a nap, I'm borderline cranky and I just think it would be better if we dropped it. They'll figure out how wonderful our kids are sooner or later and if they don't then we don't have to see them that much. They live in New York after all." She gently lathers the unscented shampoo in her hands then applies them to Carter's head while Derek tries to distract Collin into doing something besides sniveling.

"Where's my fighter? Where's my wife at? Come on Addison."

"Your wife is currently being used as an incubator and contrary to popular belief it isn't all giggles and baby socks." She snaps and then closes her eyes when Carter revolts by standing up and inadvertently causing the slimy concoction slide into his eyes. He screams and stamps causing water to slosh around before Addison manages to get a towel and helps clean him up. Somehow the tear free formula backfires every other night and she is contemplating suing the damn company who makes it for ruining her evenings.

"I know." He finally mutters after getting everyone calmed down and doing another tug boat switch. If ever he had a dream about kids, it certainly wasn't twins, and it most definitely wasn't twins who were horrible at sharing and had a serious aversion to water. They fall quiet working in and out of a routine until the boys are safely snuggled into towels and have their almost black hair half dry and sticking out in every direction.

"That's better, huh?" She coos at Collin. He hiccups and whines and then finally squeals with laughter when she blows warm kisses against his neck. "Let's get some warm pajamas on and get you two to bed."

"Jama!" Carter pipes up from Derek arm to be met with huge smiles and hugs from Derek who was almost starting to worry that they would never give in and learn the language they had been submersed in for months now.

"He says pajamas before he can say 'Dada'. I bet Mommy put you up to that, didn't she?" He pokes at his son's towel clad little stomach while following Addison into the hall and weaving around playing children until they make it back into the appropriate room.

After settling blue dog footed pajamas for one and plain green stripes for another Addison and Derek finally tumble out of the room letting them cry it out before they fall asleep. Addison hears their wails rake against her heart and when Derek touches her shoulder she nearly jumps a foot. "I hate when they do this." She whispers.

"So almost every other night?" He teases and then begins working his hands into her back rubbing carefully. "I hate it too." He nods in agreement. He watches her head slouch forward in approval of his handy work and then sighs heavily. "If you want to just go to bed Addie, I-"

"I don't want to do this at all but if it's going to happen then I want to be there. There are only two of us and four of them."

"Technically seven if you count their husbands but I don't think they care."

**_-----_**

Derek hordes the adults into the family room after conning the older children to take their siblings away somewhere, anywhere for an hour for a certain fee. Now he is seated in the armchair to the left of his mother, Steve, David and Nancy and to the right of Kathleen, Diane and Karen. Addison is wedged in between his legs and leaning up against the durable fabric with a sleepy half smile and her arms folded peacefully over her growing stomach. He's not so sure how she got down there but readily recognizes the logistical problems of getting her back up. "Where's Josh?" Derek asks looking around the room and counting heads.

"With the kids." Kathleen answers for her husband more than ready to step up for both of them and make a point. They fall quiet for a good ten minutes before Judith sets in.

"Well since we didn't get to finish out in the yard earlier I just want to say that it isn't that we hate Caleb and Chris, it-"

"Carter and Collin." Addison and Derek correct immediately.

"Right Carter and Collin, no more C names." She babbles on before finding her point, "… it's that we don't understand I guess. I mean last we heard you two were fighting tooth and nail for your marriage and then all of a sudden divorced and now you're back together with twins from another country and expecting another one. And we are excited for the little one on the way…just a little confused."

"My- Our relationship status has nothing to do with any of you. We were divorced, realized how big of a mistake that was, I groveled, she apologized, and we came to terms with how much we love each other still and got our acts together. And I know that is not why any of you are claiming to be confused. It's not that difficult to grasp."

The baby monitor springs to life on the table next to him and he pushes Addison forward just a bit preparing to leave. "I got it." Nancy calls and stands to excuse herself.

"We're trying to get them to calm down on their own so if something isn't wrong just leave them and they'll figure it out on their own, oh and Carter he's on the right hand side of the room, he doesn't like when you sing but Collin does and I would just avoid the whole scene and-"

"Addison." Nancy pats her on the head on the way out, "I have two of my very own and I haven't killed them yet, I think I got this."

"Right." She frowns. "Thank you."

"Let's get back to what we were talking about." Derek redirects everyone's attention.

"Listen Derek, it isn't that we hate your kids-" Diane starts.

"It's that we don't like…" Karen trails off trying to think of a way to say it.

"Well, what Karen means is that they are very lovely but…" Judith attempts.

"Oh for the love of God!" Kathleen shouts and throws her arms into the air as the husbands edge back further into the couch in fear for their lives against the second eldest Shepherd daughter, "What they are all saying but saying poorly is that we don't like the idea of adoption especially when you were smart enough to knock up your on again off again wife, who let's face it, has some pretty wavering morals these days. It just wasn't a good idea and we are tired of dealing with-"

"Kathleen!" Diane squeals and hits her arm.

"What?" She snorts as Addison blushes and tries to remain steadfast in her opinion in the ability to take whatever they wanted to dish out. This is the first time they have all been together since the Mark incident nearly two years ago and it has to happen…but it doesn't make it hurt any less.

"This was Derek's decision." Judith reprimands and then affirms by shaking her head contemptuously.

"Yeah, that's right. My decision and we agreed we were not going to talk about Addison and I and everything that happened Kathleen." She scoffs and he picks up intensity, "These are our children whether you like it or not and I'm sorry that you don't like that they aren't from this country or from Addison's uterus but I don't care." Addison looks up at the mention of her body parts and squishes her eyebrows together in concern.

"What is so wrong with you all that you can't see how great they are?"

"They don't even speak English!" Diane shouts back, the crowd quickly growing a little rowdy save the two men trying to hide by disappearing into the couch cushions.

"They're two!" Addison glares back at the rest of the room.

"We're concerned Derek." Kathleen tries tactfully this time. "You two are busy and excluding the last few years still barely have time for one another. You could have at least picked kids that didn't represent such a challenge. How are they going to grow up with a sense of identity when you have no ideas about Russian culture? How are they going to learn how to speak English when you two are only home eight hours a day? What happens when the novelty wears off and they aren't new and shiny and are suddenly screaming, growing, angry kids? Twins Derek and from Russia no less."

He's positive if it wasn't for the fact that Addison has him pinned to the chair he would be leaping across the room trying to strangle his older sister. Instead he takes a deep breath and tries to calm down while playing with the ends of his wife's red hair that dangles in his lap. "They aren't toys. We know what we're doing and I appreciate your concerns and stupid racist thoughts about Russia but those two boys up there are my sons and if you can't accept that I will take time out of my day for my family no matter what…and if you can't understand that learning a new language is difficult and that they will eventually get it…then you can get the hell out of my house because I don't want you here."

"Derek." Judith scolds as the rest of the room falls quiet hanging on every last syllable.

"You too Mom. I thought you of all people…you practically raised Mark. How could you not comprehend that not every kid born has a good family to go into? How can you not see that we saved them from something horrible? Why don't you all realize that those two and this woman right here…and our soon to be daughter are my whole world. My everything." He finishes quietly as the tears spring into Addison's eyes and she brushes at the corners mildly ashamed of her damn hormones.

"Honey, we never meant to make you think that we don't-"

"Save it." Derek spits and then carefully maneuvers himself out of Addison's way, slowly helping her up and wrapping an arm around her waist. "We're going to bed. If you don't want to deal with the fact that we've got two amazing children upstairs, that we love each other more now than ever, that we are over the whole divorce debacle and don't want to hear anything else about it…then you know where the door is and I won't be sorry when I don't see you in the morning."

**_-----_**

She giggles a little into his chest as they finally tiptoe into their room careful not to make too much noise. They change hastily and collapse onto the bed limbs tangled together, hair matted and hearts fluttering. "Did you mean all of that?" Addison asks quietly.

"Every word." He confirms and then brushes a kiss to the bridge of her nose.

"I love you."

"I love you too." He grins.

"I feel like I should be paying you with amazing, mind blowing, toe curling, eye popping, lung bursting, vigorous sex but I am absolutely exhausted. You'll take a rain check?"

"That was very descriptive. I don't know, now I'm kind of all worked up for this lung bursting thing you were talking about."

"Derek." She warns when he begins trailing his lips over her neck. "Fine you want to start? Then start but no whining when you open your eyes and see that I am asleep."

He slowly kisses his way down her skin resting on the point where the fabric covers her chest. "There is no way you will be sleeping through what I plan on doing to you." He growls against her skin and then lifts his head to nip at her ear lobe.

"Damn it." She whispers into the darkness.

"What?" He asks opening his eyes and feeling around the bed. "Did your water break, are you having contractions? Did I bump your ankle?" He pats the comforter trying to feel his way around better, his heart rate doubled and fully prepared to race downstairs and throw her into the closest vehicle to the driveway.

"No." She laughs, "Calm down. Gosh you're going to be worse than I am in there."

"Ok." He inhales heartily. "What happened?"

"I was just cursing you for waking me up all over again. There I was all ready to pass out as soon as I hit the pillow and you had to go and get me all…all…you know."

"Horny?"

She slaps his shoulder as he repositions himself over her, this time kissing up the inside of her thigh and pulling her until she is lying completely back. "I hate that word."

"Oh, I know. But I hate these shorts so they're gonna have to go." He reaches up for the elastic waistband and she lifts her hips impatiently. "We're going slow tonight, we're celebrating."

"What?"

"I finally beat my mother." He smiles against her warm flesh when she squirms away, "And I'll never talk about my mother in bed again."

"Thank you." She chokes out as he finally lets his tongue dance upward.

**_-----_**

They slept away the night only being awoken once by impatient screams from their sons who wanted the sun to be shining already. However, at five thirty Addison sat straight up and just knew something was wrong. She jostled Derek and he grumbled something about fishing, she tried kissing the back of his neck while he was lying on his stomach and he murmured that he was tired and they just had sex last night so she could wait. Eventually she gave up and decided there was no way she was going back to sleep whatever it was. She stumbled from the bed, staggering tenderly and located her robe hanging on the back of the bathroom door. Pulling the tie tight she wished Derek a nice morning of sleeping in and excused herself.

Nearly twenty minutes later, after checking on the twins, she found herself in the kitchen and oddly alone. She checked the backyard for the kids who were complaining about wanting to "camp" last night and found nothing. She opened the game room that held only the pool table in the back of the room to find that Graham had gotten locked in at some point and was more than excited to see a human being. After letting him out she finally heard shuffling upstairs.

"Morning." Nancy greeted scrubbing at her eyes.

"Hi." Addison offered starting the coffee pot for every other occupant in the house that liked to taunt her with their ability to drink warm gooey goodness.

"What time is it?"

"Six."

"What the fuck are we doing awake?" Nancy yawns and folds into the chair next to her, letting her head fall hard against the table.

"Couldn't sleep." Addison shrugs and places the now full cup in front of her sister in-law knowing full well that Nancy doesn't function on less that three cups and most certainly does not function for at least another two hours back at home. "Where is everyone? I thought at least Diane would be up by now…she never sleeps in."

"They left." Nancy tosses out nonchalantly like there wasn't a huge family blow out the night before.

"They left." She chokes out taking a seat next to the brunette on her left.

"Yeah, packed their stuff and got a hotel. Well everyone but me clearly. I am no figment of your over active imagination, speaking of- Next time I want the room farthest away from your bedroom, you two get annoyingly loud."

"Oh God." Addison blushes mortified by her escapades being heard by the entirety of the Shepherd clan, not that it's anything they probably haven't heard before but she's older now, it shouldn't be like this. "They didn't leave because we were-"

"No, no nothing like that. They left because Derek gave them an ultimatum." She grins.

"I don't know which is worse."

Nancy tosses her arms into the air. "Well at least this is legitimate and significantly less embarrassing. I would go with the fact that they hate your children, it's better somehow."

"This is bad." Addison murmurs her lips against her glass of juice.

"Could be worse."

"How?"

"Well they could have decided to still hate your children and you- they really need to get over that by the way, stayed, heard what I heard which I never ever want to hear again, and then left."

"I guess." She pauses setting her cup down and listens to the dog barking away happily at some animal in the backyard. "Derek is going to be so mad; I knew we should have just dropped it-"

"You have a right to fight over your kids. My family is stupid and stubborn and you wonder where Derek gets it from? They'll get over themselves at some point and come crawling back with presents. That's how this works. Remember when I married Jeff?"

"Vaguely. I think I was busy hiding behind my fiancé during those days."

"Yeah well, they got over that and…as it turns out they were probably right but…I don't care."

"Oh Nancy, is everything okay? I should have known you wouldn't have volunteered to show up alone." Addison shifts gears more than anxious to forget the whole thing.

"It's fine. Well, not fine but we'll make it out alive. We always do." She grins hesitantly and takes a deep breath, "So I am assuming I will be in charge of the baby shower. When do you want it?"

"You don't have to do that. We already have most of what we need and another party just sounds-"

"Nonsense. I have a niece in there, she better have your red hair, and I'm going to spoil her rotten every chance I get…besides I kind of hate every one else's kids. They're so annoying and…perfect, you know? I need a break from the monotony and with your temper and Derek's obstinate manners this kid is going to be a real treat."

"They're just trying to keep them involved." Addison replies suddenly worrying over mundane genetics and temperaments.

"They all have like two extra curricular activities a day. I know, I watched Diane's one week and nearly went broke buying gas. Kids should just be kids sometimes, not scheduled robots. Take my kids, they pick the fun things they want to do and if they hate karate then they don't go. No point in forcing them to do things they will inevitably resent me for. Plus I think if I have to listen to one more crappy piano recital, I am going to shoot myself in the head." She smiles.

"Now that would be a crying shame." Derek mutters shuffling his feet along the wood careful not to lift them up too high in fear of falling off balance in the dimly light room. "You two scheming to take over the world in here?" He teases as he flips the light switch and they all groan.

"Brilliant Derek, as always. We were talking about the baby shower." Nancy states finally pulling her hand off her eyes and daringly looking around the room.

"I really don't need one." Addison interjects when Derek joins them at the table with his steaming cup of energy after letting the hyper dog back in to slop his water all over the kitchen floor.

"Sure you do. You deserve a fun day of receiving crap that I will have to put together with Mark and Richard while we try to decipher Chinese instructions." He musses her hair playfully and she smacks away his hand. "Besides Mom loves planning this stuff, she did everyone else's, I'm sure she wouldn't mind what with all the potential shopping involved." He looks around the room quickly. "Where is everyone anyway? It's quiet."

Nancy and Addison fall silent amidst the sudden and relieving wailing upstairs and Addison stands immediately to escape the situation. "I'll go."

"I can help." Derek remarks, letting his cup rattle against the wood.

"No, you stay. Enjoy your morning. I can do this." She states hastily and edges her way to the stairs.

Thinking better of arguing with his wife especially in front of someone and knowing that will surely only lead to more problems he lets it go. "Nancy what is going on?" Derek growls seriously looking his sister over.

"I, uh-" She takes a long deep breath trying to think of a way to say it and then gives up. "They all left Derek."

"Everyone?"

"Yeah, everyone."

**_-----_**

* * *


	14. Rain on my hopes, rain on my soul

A/N: So this is long and I mean freakishly long and probably my least favorite chapter in the lot of them but it had to happen. I ended with a sort of cliffhanger that I know will not be appreciated and it's the beginning of finals week so I will try and update as soon as I can. Thanks to **escapismrocks**�for the catching of things and I hope you all don't hate me too much. Enjoy!-

**_-----_**  
**_Rain on my hopes_**  
**_Rain on my soul_**  
**_Rain on everything that I know_**  
**_It feels so ludicrous_**  
**_The pursuit of this dream_**  
**_We thought we'd be along ago_**  
_- The Classic Crime, "Seattle"_  
**_-----_**

"It's officially sprained and…I mean this in the best possible way Addison, but with the weight you are carrying I would advise that you stay off of it as much as possible for at least a week." Callie murmurs into the chart hoping the older woman missed the last part about her commenting on her wavering weight and was able to focus on the medicine at hand.

"I can't, that's not possible. Callie you're going to have to give me a cast or something to stabilize it because sitting around in bed for the next few days is simply not an option."

"Honey." Derek attempts gently stroking her arm as Collin and Carter hide behind his legs in the new scary place. With the exception of their own personal visit, the two haven't been within fifty feet of the hospital. Addison was adamant and as it turned out dead serious about her children not being raised in or by the hospital for as long as possible.

"Don't 'honey' me Derek. I don't see you volunteering to take time off work and help me and we won't have Izzie for another week because Webber is making her finish out this rotation before she can go- which leaves me."

"Can we not fight in front of Callie?"

"Like she cares." Addison snaps never taking her eyes of her swollen stomach. What she would give for a good nap after the morning's turmoil of dropping Nancy and her girls off and quelling Derek's anxieties about his stubborn mother and sisters.

"Still right here guys." Callie smiles and gives a wave. "Ok, listen, I'm going to brace it but Derek…and I'm telling him because I know you aren't going to listen to me for longer than half a second because you keep looking at me like I'm a leg of fried chicken…anyway Derek, you have to back me up here. I would hate to see this get worse or stay a persistent problem. For the future of her ankle this is imperative. Understand?"

He smirks, nods and places Carter on his lap when Collin gets bored and decides it is officially time to start the daily fight involving fists and tears and hysterics for no reason. "Come on boys, let's give Mommy some girl time." He excuses himself with a quick peck on her cheek and herds the boys out the door to track down Bailey and con her out of her hidden candy stash. "Page me."

Callie takes a seat next to Addison and waits impatiently. She finally gives up as Addison watches the ceiling. "Alright spill."

"Spill what?"

"That look on your face and you've had your mother in-law at your house all weekend. It can't be good. Give me the dirt." She motions with her hand.

"You spill first."

"About what?" Callie blushes instantly and then laughs, "Oh fine…I screwed Mark on your-"

"Don't finish that sentence." Addison warns.

"Right. So that's that. Nothing else is happening…well we…you know a lot…really he's got the stamina of a…and-"

"I know." Addison shakes her head moderately embarrassed by the fact that she can still vividly recollect her trysts with said manwhore.

"Right. Anyway, your turn."

"We had a minor family blow out and everyone but Nancy-"

"She had the short brown hair?" Callie interjects trying to keep up.

"Yeah. Everyone but Nancy sort of left early."

"Why?" Callie knits her eyebrows together in question. She toys with her watch deliberately ignoring the cell phone vibrating in her pocket. She is positive it is Mark and he can wait.

"Something about them not appreciating our decision to adopt. It's a long story and I don't want to relive it right now but I think it's safe to say we have seen the last of the Shepherd clan for a little while."

"Damn." Callie remarks drawing it out watching as Addison appreciates her response. "So how are you?"

"Aside from the bum ankle?"

"Yeah." She grins.

"Fine, I guess. I'm tired, so tired and I wake up every ten minutes at night for no reason at all and I miss my job, I miss being the ruler of something other than dirty diapers, cleaning the fridge and making sure that no one pulls the dog's tail…but I'm good. Getting a little anxious I suppose." Addison rambles tracing circles over her daughter trying to calm her down.

"Can I?" Callie asks holding her hand above Addison's.

"Have at it." She laughs when Kernel rolls and kicks Callie's palm.

"She's fucking strong."

"Tell me about it." She pauses for a slight second watching Callie enjoy her pregnancy far more than she herself has for the last few days. The stress and family issues only seemed to heighten her discomfort, "Biological clock ticking?" She smirks knowingly.

"Something like that." Callie remarks and pulls her hand back, "But I am no position to start popping out kids…the only man I've got is Mark and-"

"He's a good guy Cal."

"He's not the father type and I want kids."

"I remember having that dilemma." Addison recalls and scoots up on the crinkling exam paper. "But I was watching him play with the kids and Cal the man I knew back in New York…he never would have done any of that. He's changed. You make him a better person apparently. God knows I never did…this is all you. Be proud of your reformation."

Callie gently squeezes her hands together in hope and then stands when her cell phone alerts its presence again. "Let us hope. I need to run but I'll have Derek paged on my way out."

"Can you do me a favor?" Addison asks closing her eyes.

"Anything you want Big Momma."

"Okay, one- we are never going to call me that again and two- can you turn off the lights and forget to page Derek for the next thirty or so minutes?"

Callie reaches for the light switch and dims the room before handing Addison a flimsy blanket from the cabinet on her left. "Keep it, I'm burning up over here and Callie?"

"Yeah?"

"Give Mark a chance."

Callie leaves without a response but with a renewed bounce in her step and accidentally bumps into Derek on her way out. "Oh, sorry Dr. Shepherd."

"Callie, how many times do I have to tell you it's Derek and are you done with Addison? Where is she?"

She fumbles through her words and nearly bites her tongue in misstep before giving in, "Fine but leave her alone, ok?"

"Sure."

"She's taking a nap and she asked me not to page you for the next thirty minutes."

Derek chastises himself for not paying closer attention to her body language and comes up with a plan silently before turning toward the room.

"Dr- Damn it Derek. I said-"

"Don't worry Callie, I got this." He drags the sleepy, fussing boys with chocolate all over their faces behind him into the dimly lit room and grins when he sees her rolled onto her left side with one foot hanging off the small table.

"Add? Addie…wake up."

"Go away." She bats her hand into the air completely missing anything in Derek's vicinity and then settles back down.

"Wake up, we're going home."

"I'm fine here." She mumbles without opening her eyes.

"Mama!" Collin shouts and attempts to scale the bed in order to come in contact with her. His foot slips on the cool metal and he falls backward, head catching on the ground with a sickening thud. The screams begin instantly and Addison blinks to see Derek cradling one very hurt and frustrated child as the other one watches with frightened eyes.

"Alright I'm up." She announces and motions for Derek to help her down when their son calms a few seconds later completely forgetting what happened to cause his tears.

**_-----_**

One hour later after being rerouted through neighborhood construction Derek helps Addison horde the boys inside and into their cribs for naptime. She collapses on the couch upstairs in the spare room, (not daring to take on the stairs again with the way he has been shrieking at her all day), down the hall not even bothering to flick the TV on.

"Hey there." Derek says softly, walking into the very blue room that up until Diane's family needing somewhere to sleep, had never served any purpose. Someday, when he gets a chance to paint it will be the nursery but for now it holds a couch, a massive book collection that he foresees being a pain in the ass to move and the ignored and underused flat screen from the trailer.

"Hi."

"You're tired."

"You're observant, point for Derek." She snuggles back into his chest when he slides in behind her loops his hands around her sides coming to a rest on their very busy daughter.

"She needs a sedative so you can sleep."

"All I need is for you not to move and for them not to scream and I will be just fine." She closes her eyes and tries to block the rolling sensation in her stomach as Derek lightly strokes her off white t-shirt; the shirt deemed for home use only, she may be a stay at home right now but she's got standards for herself above ratty clothes still. No sooner does she get comfortable then does her bladder signal its unhappiness. She grunts and gripes trying to sit up.

"Where you going?"

"Bathroom."

"I can help." He jumps up before he finishes and loops an arm around her shoulders helping her hobble to the master bathroom.

"I got it from here Derek." She grins sleepily when he doesn't stop at the door.

When she reappears Derek has passed out on the bed, stomach down, head half under a pillow and the blankets kicked to his ankles. She smiles realizing she wasn't the only one who needed a nap and slowly makes her way over and dips onto the cold mocha colored sheets. Suddenly cooled and now very wide awake she watches her husband snooze as her mind drifts carelessly. She thinks over the whole day, the wanting to be yelled at; the needing to be chastised and then the final blow.

Maybe they were right. Maybe she and Derek have no place raising children from another culture. Hating to think that they may have a very valid point she wills her mind to hibernate and slips into a fitful and light sleep.

**_-----_**

"Do you think they were right?" Addison poses, spooning spaghetti onto Derek's plate as he shrugs out of his coat by the front door and dashes into the dining room barely in time for dinner a few days later.

"Who, what Addie?" He rubs his temples and stares at the shiny silver fork in front of him. The good china is out and he feels a storm brewing. "Where are the boys?"

"Izzie stopped by earlier and wanted to take them out to buy you a birthday present since I can't walk around anywhere."

"Oh." He states quietly, now aware of how much he enjoys and misses running feet and loud shrieking when he comes home. The house now feels empty and silent. He sips his water and waits till she returns with the mixed salad. "You cooked."

"I can cook." She counters passively. Still reeling from the birthday party from hell and preparing for Derek's in three days has been just this side of exhausting and she is counting the days until they have Izzie full time.

"You can not cook."

"Can too."

"Ok, someone has been hanging out with the kids too much." He mutters.

"Well maybe I wouldn't have to if I had any help!" She tosses the white cloth napkin to the table and begins to stand again by pushing her stomach into the air first.

"Whoa there tiger." Derek laughs, "Sit." She glares and he motions to the chair again. "Addison, please. Let's start over. I'll even go put my coat back on."

"Don't mock me." She spews taking her seat again.

"I'm not mocking you." Surrendering his arms into the air they fall silent for nearly five minutes. Bites are small, chewed thoughtfully. Drinks are long, sips taken in between breaths. He takes his fill and then carelessly tosses his fork to the tablecloth effectively dripping sauce onto the pristine cover.

"Derek!"

"Addison."

She rolls her head and huffs, grimacing when she takes a kick to the ribs. "You okay?" He remarks, in earnest, when the tears begin to well in her red rimmed eyes.

"I'm tired." She whimpers pitifully, wishing someone else in the house would agree with the thermostat being set on fifty as she feels like she is sitting on a heater.

"You aren't just tired. Come on, I know that face." And he does. The face that says she's been thinking of something for days and hasn't said anything and now has worked herself up into a frenzy about discussing it. She holds it in until it can't be held in anymore and with her due date looming closer, the retention rate has dropped from what was months into mere days.

"I'm tired and I hurt and I can't sleep. My back is killing me, my ankle is still refusing to heal in a reasonable amount of time, I am burning alive in the mild Seattle summer heat which makes me feel like vomiting and I don't miss those days at all and she…she will not stop kicking me!" She finishes her voice louder than it was when she started. The tears finally come out of frustration and pain and she hangs her head in defeat feeling completely out of sync with her body and infuriated by her two year old logic and emotions. "And…I can't find a bra that fits and is comfortable but I can't go shopping either and I am tired of wandering around in my pajamas because I am suddenly too fantastically big for everything that fit last week." She wipes at her cheek and sniffles involuntarily. "And I feel like I'm crazy and I'm crying all the time for no reason and I just…want you to hold me and you are always gone!"

He knows for a fact that he was only at work for ten hours today, a short shift by any means, and yet there she sits fighting with her emotions and enraged by every little thing that goes wrong. He stands and crosses the table to where she is. Rubbing firmly, his thumbs massage her rock hard shoulders and take an opportunity to peer down the shirt to see the breasts she is ten seconds from cutting off.

Derek thinks, without a doubt, pregnancy has done wonders for his wife's body. She's not insanely tall and gangly and thin anymore, not that he didn't love her impossible legs and flat stomach but this is new and good too. She's got curves and a new rack a whole cup size, so far, above what he was working with and on most days she is positively glowing. He was forewarned about this part though. The last three months of pregnancy, he has heard, are going to be enough to make him wish he never met Addison Forbes Montgomery all those years ago. He takes a deep breath, reminding himself that he was a helper in the situation and mutters, "Let's go shopping," while closing his eyes really tight and praying to god she'll say no.

"Really?" She looks up with watery eyes feeling a tremendous weight lifted.

"Yes really. Right now, you and me. I'll go put the dog out back."

So far he counts nine bags dangling from his arms and testing every ounce of endurance still radiating from his four surgery day's stamina. When he said shopping, he meant the bra and then perhaps a nice joint bath at home and then a foot rub and some down time with the boys before they had to go to bed. What Addison had in mind was something completely different.

All told, when they arrive home, Derek counts fifteen and four very tired feet, one pair of which wouldn't have been moving at all if he had his say. He frowns when Izzie tells them the boys feel asleep an hour ago and excuses herself to get ready for the last day of her real job the next morning. He tiptoes past the twins' room and slides inside just long enough to verify they are sleeping and give them both a kiss goodnight while pulling blankets higher and tugging thumbs from mouths.

When he makes it downstairs he finds Addison pulling tags off of pink fuzzy baby blankets and grinning over tiny white shoes. And for all the pain and suffering they have caused, this moment washes everything away. He stands on the third step and watches her fuss over little knit caps and lacy dresses thinking about how much he can't wait for Kernel to get here already. He knows it will be hard, he knows she will cry and wake up everyone in the house and there will probably be more tears out of the four other family members in one week than he has seen in his life but it's worth it.

At the end of the day, watching his wife smooth outfits over her growing stomach and seeing the way Collin curls into the tightest ball possible while his brother sprawls out taking the whole crib up, is just enough for him to know that they can handle whatever the world wants to throw at them. Relentless mothers, crazy sisters, dying patients, annoying new interns all fade away when he enters his front door every night. This is it for him and there is nowhere else he would rather be.

After a few more minutes he crosses the threshold and begins helping her sort through things. "I thought we got more." He states looking at all the little piles on the floor. He understands how many clothing changes the boys take on in one day and he can't imagine what a newborn will be like.

She smiles brightly as he plays with a light purple sleeper. If someone would have asked her a year ago what Derek would look like in this moment, she never ever would have guessed this. "I'm excited."

"Me too." He pauses pensively, "I should probably get a gun."

"What!" Addison shouts not understand how the conversation can bounce from baby clothes to artillery.

"Well if she looks anything like you, I'm going to have to shoot every guy she ever lays eyes on."

She chuckles and scoots into the back of the couch stretching her legs as she goes. "We have a while Derek and I would more worried about the boys upstairs if I were you."

"Nah, they can handle themselves."

"I'm sorry about the meltdown earlier."

"You don't have to apologize; I just wish you would tell me things before they become beyond pertinent. I like to know things and I like knowing you aren't at home crying and pulling your hair out. You can call you know." He crawls over next to her and faces opposite trying to keep the tempo low and casual.

"I don't want to bother you. I know you're busy at work Derek and I'm just being a stupid fat-"

"You aren't fat." He remarks instantly and then feels proud for not having to put into thought into it. Some things are instinct.

"You say that now, just wait until she is four months old and people are still asking me when I'm due."

"I'll love you just the same. You want to stay at this weight- fine by me." He smirks and she swats at his chest annoyed.

"Uh-huh. Anyway…I am sorry, sometimes I get a little crazy and-"

"Sometimes?" He winks and ducks when she tries to go in for the kill.

"Alright fine. Most of the time I am crazy and I don't know this person I've become and frankly…sometimes I'm angry because I have no control and I feel like everything is happening to me, not with me."

"Control freak." He scoffs.

"Takes one to know one." She refutes when he dances his finger tips along her stomach.

"How did we ever get married, let alone procreate?"

"I don't know, by all accounts it doesn't make sense, especially not two times but…I'm pretty happy we did."

"Me too." She leans onto his chest and he accidentally kicks over a pile of baby socks in the name of getting more comfortable. "Hey Add, before you fall asleep and I have to drag you upstairs-"

"I'm not sleeping." She states, eyelids fluttering closed, body succumbing to the darkness beckoning her name.

"Yeah, I know. Anyway, you asked me when I got home if I thought they were right and…my answer is no. We don't have to talk about it, just know that I think they are completely out of line and it was rude and I apologize to you for having to put up with that. I know I've already said it a dozen times but thank you for putting up with everyone the way you did, they were-"

"What if they are right?" She asks groggily.

"They aren't. Those are our children and I wouldn't care if they came from a dumpster on Mars, they're ours and I will always love them."

"I love them too Derek but what if, and don't interrupt me here, just let me finish. What if they had a point? What if we have no business trying to raise them when we can't even devote enough time to ourselves outside of a regular work schedule? I won't be a stay at home mom; I'm not that person Derek. I love my career and I'm not going to sacrifice it."

"I know you're not." He remains cautious, watching her brew and bubble. "And neither am I but that doesn't mean that we are bad parents Addison. Mark's dad was always around and he was horrible." Derek's father, however, worked and played at home with his kids until the day he died and Derek is going to do his best to fill that role. There's something to be said for trying to be your dad.

"And what if they never learn how to speak English properly because we don't help them enough? What if all they ever say is, Mama, jama and doggy?"

"They'll learn." He assures her, "They've already learned three words and know what those words mean. They talk all the time, we just don't understand them and that's not their fault. Maybe we should learn a little Russian," he nudges her shoulder and frowns when she doesn't respond, "It couldn't hurt. Do you think that would help? Would that make you feel better?" He elbows her again and sighs when he gets no response. "Look Addison, honestly, sometimes I really wish we would've held off on creating little Kernel here but we are lucky enough just to have her. It was a good surprise and sometimes I wish that we had more time with just them, teaching them, playing with them but this is what we got and it's scary but I'm ready for it. I think we can do this."

Her breath hitches and her throat seizes again, "What if we can't?"

"We will…it's not a choice…why are you- do you not want them anymore?"

"I don't know what I want." She mutters, immediately regretting having ever opened her mouth.

"Addison we made this choice together, we took this step together and now you want out?"

"We didn't do this together! I told you I couldn't have kids and you automatically decided we would one way or another and I just…the look on your face when I told you…I don't know." She gestures with her hands, emotions barely in check, and face reddened with angry words.

"You can't do this! You can not do this now. You had ample opportunity to speak up…for months we could have stopped this and I thought you were interested, I thought you wanted-"

"Stop yelling at me!" She takes a second to gather composure as he stands and paces the floor seeking out a plan. She never meant it to sound like she wanted to go back and undo everything, she's simply unsure and afraid and instead of reassurance she got a confrontation. She shakes her head and uses the couch to help push herself upright. "I'm going to bed."

"Addie." Derek sighs defeated.

"Just don't Derek. Stop before we do something we'll actually regret." She slowly teeters from the room, makes her way up the stairs and falls asleep alone in their bed for all of two hours. Spending the rest of the time making patterns on the bumpy ceiling she finally gives in when the clock blinks 4:38 a.m. She slips the green robe around her clumsy figure and stumbles down the hall to find Derek sleeping in the boys' room on the floor. She smiles warmly at the thought of him picking the floor in there rather than any couch in the house.

"Derek?" She whispers as he turns onto his side and grips the tiny blanket with cartoon trucks trying to cover his shoulders. "Derek."

"I'm sleeping." He mumbles, wide awake, having stared at Collin and Carter for the last four hours not able to comprehend what his wife was feeling. His stomach aches with betrayal and all he wants to do is hold one of them up against his swelling chest but has thought better than to wake them. They finally hit a schedule that almost allows for sleeping through the night and they'll be awake sooner or later.

"Come to bed."

"No."

"Please." The light from the cracked doorway filters into his eyes and she knows she had him since before he moved an inch on the sailboat rug in the middle of the room.

"Fine but I'm still mad at you."

"Deal."

Even on the worst of nights, even after the biggest knurliest of fights he still wants to be able to hold her. Even if his blood is boiling she's the only one that calms him, regardless of who started it and what was said or unsaid. He flips onto his side and drapes an arm across her hip when she sniffles into the darkness. "I'm sorry I yelled." He whispers feeling relieved by her emotion.

"I'm sorry too." She carefully rolls over and finds his eyes in the pitch black room. "I do want them and I do love them but I'm scared. I don't want to mess this up, any of it, because we weren't paying attention."

And there it is. It's not about the twins, it's not about impending baby girl, it's not even about his family. It's about falling into old patterns; about him ignoring her and her feeling like she's going to have to do it all alone. And though they both know this time is different, so different, sometimes things still get out of control and the past can't help but be thought of. It's an irremovable part of their puzzle. It can't be ignored or overlooked but it can be dealt with. The last year has taught him that much. The least they can do is assure one another in times of doubt.

He finds her forehead and presses a warm kiss to the flushed skin. "I promise you I will never not pay attention to them or you ever again. It won't be prefect because we're us but I'm going to give it my all and you are never going to be alone in this, I'll be stumbling right along behind you, okay?"

She nods and then grins through her tears when she realizes that he can't feel or see her head. "Yeah…and…and I'll never sleep with M-Mark again." She whispers knowing full well where the conversation has headed.

It really doesn't need to be said and truth be told, most days Derek would like to believe that who incident was a nightmare but it's still nice to hear from time to time, "I know that, Addie, I really do. We're done with that whole saga. Moved on, made our own messes again."

"I just- your family brought up some interesting points and I thought you should know that I wouldn't ever consider that path ever again." She still thinks about it; she'll regret it till the day she dies. She'd be lying if she told you that it was a good thing, a character building exercise, the thing that inevitably saved their marriage and woke them up because there will always be a small part of Addison that thinks life would have still been okay if she just could have kept her legs closed.

"My family is never coming again; they stir up too much shit. Just when we are finally settled. No more, I tell you." He proclaims and she giggles. "Now's the part when we have amazing make up sex." He winks and reaches for the switch on the lamp beside him.

"You can go have amazing make up sex with yourself; it's so not going to happen with me anymore."

"Oh come on Addie that was a good fight." He whines.

She rolls over to her side of the bed and opens her short dark wooded drawer pulling out the lotion that she used to utilize when she could reach and see her feet. She produces it with a smirk in the warmly lit room and tosses it into his lap, "Have fun honey and turn off the light on your way to the bathroom."

_**-----**_  
\/p  
At thirty seven weeks and three days pregnant Derek thinks that Addison looks amazing. Literally all stomach he constantly laughs when she knocks things off the counter or when the boys try to scale her in quest for attention. He grins when she moans and ducks when she throws things at his head for mocking what they affectionately call "the condition."

In her third trimester Addison thinks she looks like a beached whale. From behind no one would be able to guess how much she juts out into the world but the way people's faces always drop, whether she's grocery shopping or helping Izzie take the boys to the park, is always a little unnerving. She hates when people come up and touch her, with or without asking. She's still got a personal bubble and it would seem that she is now a sideshow in a circus.

Aside from the constant and unwavering need for peanut butter on everything (that she's a little afraid will never go away) and the fact that sleep refuses to come easily Addison has settled into a comfortable routine of counting down the days and trying to take the shooting back pains with a grin because she knows that this is an experience she will never have again. Sometimes there are still emotional moments where she can literally see Derek trying to rip out his hair while she cries over nothing and times when she's half tempted to try and perform her own c-section on the kitchen table just so that it will all be over and she can have her tiny screaming daughter already but for the most part she is content.

"Up! Up!" The twins chant clambering onto the bed on an already too sweltering September day in the rain capitol of the world.

"Let Mommy sleep." Derek warns darting back into the room after having lost them in the middle of a animated DVD he has seen so many times that he is literally dreaming about the stupid train and ridiculous helicopter with an untraceable accent.

"No!" Collin shouts. His favorite word and Derek swears they learn at least two new ones a day. Their vocabulary has increased exponentially and yet he and Addison are still fumbling over the ten Russian words they have taken a mind set to learning.

"Up!" Carter choruses pulling on Addison's loose hair and waiting until she opens the blue eyes he has come to know.

Her eyelids flutter and slowly she reaches over the side of the bed, snaking a hand out to attack her sons. "You woke me up!" She laughs and captures Collin, tickling him relentlessly.

"Sorry." Derek mouths over the screams. Collin bolts for the door after breaking free and his brother chases after him unsure of anything going on but having some serious fun.

"It's okay. I needed to get up anyway, big day and all." She smiles warmly. "But I am going to need a good morning kiss to make up for your inability to keep them entertained."

He presses his lips to hers, slow and soft, snaking his tongue past her teeth when gasps at his brusqueness. She twists his dark locks through his fingers and pulls back breathless. "A good morning it is, what was that?"

"Nothing." He charms, sliding his hands from her cheeks to the stomach her can't keep away from. There's something so amazing about being able to feel his daughter, he can't place it but it nearly makes his heart burst in anticipation.

"Uh-huh. Okay help me up?" She reaches her hand out and places the free one on her already aching back.

A few hours later, after the whirlwind of breakfast has died down Callie finds herself with Mark knocking on the blue door of her friend's house. "Don't say anything." She warns.

"Who do you think I am?" She raises her brow and he shrugs, "Fine, point taken. I will not tell my best friend in the whole world the most exciting news of my life."

"Do not try and guilt me. This is Addison's day."

"But I'm not going to be there so what's it matter?" He argues, jamming the doorbell again and seriously contemplating just walking in. He always used to.

"Because Derek will tell her everything as soon as she gets home and it's not like we don't have time plus I haven't seen her in weeks and I'd really rather not be the ruiner of her first and only baby shower, okay?"

Most of the time, Mark tries to not think about how he and Addison could be the ones with twin rambunctious boys and how he could be the one with the hands permanently placed on her protruding stomach and in general, all the various ways the New York scenario could have played out better. When Izzie opens the door and he sees the old love of his life curled up under a blanket in the living room while whichever child (he still can't tell them apart) runs a dump truck over her sleeping shoulder he can't help but miss it all. The relationship has changed and he knows this is better and that Derek is one lucky son of a bitch but sometimes, even knowing Callie is amazing, he wishes it was him married to Addison. "Fine." He growls and slips inside heading out to the backyard to find Derek.

"She going to sleep through lunch?" Callie nudges Izzie, trying to come up with something to say to her in the name of being nice and understanding. The woman may have inadvertently diverted her trail in life but things with Mark are more than she could've dreamed of and Izzie played a role in her happiness whether she wants to admit it or not.

"No, she's usually up by noon." Izzie fidgets with her nails and then removes herself in the name of tracking down a snack for the boys.

Callie waits impatiently, sitting in the chair on Addison's right, bouncing her legs in the air, checking her watch every few seconds. Finally, after what feels like an eternity her friend stirs. "Hello Sleeping Beauty. You ready?"

"Callie?" She squints.

"Um…yeah, who else would rock this hair and date Seattle's most eligible manwhore?" She teases.

"Right." Addison wipes the sleep from her eyes nearly smudging the eyeliner she hasn't worn in weeks. At home, she's learned so far that there aren't enough ways to stay clean and having to wash her face three times a day because of various food, dirt and craft products is nothing unusual. It's just easier not to bother with make up on the whole.

"You ready to go do this baby thing?"

"I'm just happy to escape the house without car seats." She chuckles and sits up scanning the room.

Before she can open her mouth Izzie has returned with an answer. "Okay the boys are with the boys and we are ready to head out."

It's been a bit of an odd adjustment and Izzie kind of hates to think that this is what her life has been deduced to, but as long as she reminds herself that's she's taking a break, realigning life and helping a friend then she can usually find joy in every day. She laughs with the boys and peels stickers out their hair, helps with screaming bath times and in general makes sure that Addison only wants to have a nervous breakdown every other day. But today is something different; today is a day with friends. She managed to wrangle in Cristina and Meredith along for the ride, citing that they should really be there for their bosses and Miranda was more than willing to make arrangements when Nancy phoned in to say that she was unable to make it. Addison rejected the idea of silly games and finger sandwiches simply wanting an afternoon with the girls, in which she may or may not get presents.

"Well let's go." Callie stands, slings her purse over shoulder with a grin and escorts Addison outdoors while Izzie grabs a few more of her things. "Okay, listen don't say a word."

Addison flips around from her place in the passenger seat of Derek's SUV. "What?"

"I'm pregnant."

"What!"

"Oh…god, good reaction. Thanks." Callie wriggles in her seat.

"How did, when did-"

"Apparently your house is like a secret Indian mating ground or something because when we-"

"Don't finish that sentence."

"Right, I just thought you should know and I told Mark not to tell Derek but…" she drifts to her watch again; "…we've been gone for a minute already so I know he said something. Now just don't think about it, lets go do this baby thing of yours."

"Are you okay with this?" Addison asks accordingly shifting in her seat when her back tries to give out for the hundredth time that day.

"Okay with what?" Izzie asks sliding into the driver's seat and starting the ignition.

"Okay with going out." Callie fills in quickly and they fall silent as the ride to lunch begins.

**_-----_**  
\/p  
"You bastard." Derek gleefully slaps Mark on the back.

"Thanks." He grins.

"Well welcome to parenthood man." He points to the boys tumbling around the grass yard with Graham. He's grown leaps and bounds in being comfortable around them; so much so that he can almost laugh about the allergic reaction a few months ago.

Mark takes a deep breath and watches the twins reach out for the gross slobbery ball in an attempt to play fetch with the bounding one year old dog. "Yeah."

"Don't piss her off, that's my only advice- oh! And don't make fun of her when she cries." Derek dashes into the house hearing his pager vibrate against the hard countertop in the kitchen. He returns moments later with his smile still glued on. He's happy to have his friendship with Mark back, above everything else, he's glad to have him around. "I got paged, you think- you know this would be good practice for you. Will you watch them?"

"Derek, I don't think that's a good idea. I mean I can hardly-"

"They'll be fine; it's a piece of cake really. Just don't separate them and don't feed them anything with nuts, okay?"

"You trust me to watch your kids?" He smirks, leaning up against the railing on the back porch.

It's so much more than that simple question and they both know it.

"Yeah, I do. I'll be back before Addison so don't worry about her yelling. Oh and they hate coming inside, fair warning." Derek rushes back inside and grabs Addison's keys before heading out the door and into work for what he is hoping is a real emergency. On his days off everyone in the hospital knows how it works. He's the last go to person and if he gets there and finds a way out of it then there will be hell to pay. When he enters the doors of Seattle Grace he is immediately whisked away into a private bay where Richard lies unconscious.

"What happened?"

"It-…it looks like the tumor is back sir; he passed out in his office. Patricia found him." O'Malley stumbles and stutters holding the scans in his shaking right hand.

"Ok, Dr. O'Malley go find us an OR." Derek says calmly. Now is not the time to lose his cool.

**_-----_**  
\/p  
Somewhere after visiting the swanky restaurant and before arriving at Miranda's apartment for gift exchanging Addison started having contractions…or rather she started acknowledging them. And when the pressure builds too intensely and the pain begins to take her breath away, she finally gives in. "I think someone should call Derek." She grimaces, wringing her hands into a knot around the yellow silk edged blanket Cristina hastily purchased this morning.

Callie opens her phone, has a two minute, one worded conversation and hits the end button with a smile, "He's already on his way there."

For a room full of surgeons and nurses Addison is suddenly very alarmed by how scared they all look. "Oh god…ow, ow, ow." She takes a deep breath and finally finds her one confidant in the room, "Miranda-"

"Say no more girl. Let's go. Izzie keys!" Miranda barks and Izzie tosses them her way. She makes Yang assist the moaning woman to the car and holds Callie's arm behind as they exit. "Where's Shepherd?"

"He's in surgery." She relents making sure Addison is out of hearing distance.

"When we get there, you pull him out. I'm not letting him miss the birth of his daughter in the name of a faceless, nameless patient."

She arrives, is admitted and winds up in a gown before she can expel the air in her lungs. When she turns to meet Miranda (who wandered off somewhere the instant they arrived) she knows something is very wrong. "What is it?"

"Nothing." Miranda admonishes unexpectedly understanding Addison's position in the middle of the bomb scare. It's important to keep her unruffled.

"Tell me now." Addison demands pacing back and forth, daring her water to hurry up and break.

"Derek is in the middle of a surgery but he should be here in time." She smiles assuredly.

"Try again and this time I want the truth." Addison spews angrily.

"He's operating…the patient…might not…it's Richard, the patient is Richard and Derek is refusing to leave the OR. I told him you were here and…I'm sorry Addison."

"Who has my children?" Is next up on the topic list.

"Callie says Mark does and since Derek left with your car there is no way to get them here right now safely." Miranda takes a seat on the bed feeling a strange role reversal and begins to rub Addison's lower back. "It's alright, we can do this."

"It's not supposed to be like this…we had a plan." Is all Addison can mutter when the tears begin to trickle down her face.

**_-----_**

* * *


	15. I'm flat on my back and I can't see

A/N: I have to say that I am pleased about this chapter which is in itself a rare event so I hope you all like it as well. I am thinking one more chapter and then like an epilogue or something. We are nearing the end. I hope to have the next part up sometime next week. Thanks to **escapismrocks** for the brilliant beta work. On with the show-

**_A showdown at dusk_**  
**_This old town is lost_**  
**_I'm flat on my back_**  
**_And I can't see through the dust_**  
_- The Classic Crime, "Blisters & Coffee"_

* * *

"He'll be here Dr. Montgomery….I mean Dr. Shepherd." Meredith urges awkwardly handing Addison a small plastic tub of ice chips.

She bats the frozen "treat" away and snaps, "You shouldn't say things you aren't positive of and seeing as you've been with me all damn day I don't think you have managed to step foot in that OR and therefore would have no idea whether or not he will actually be here to help me in this…mess. So shut up Grey and stop placating me."

"Yes ma'am." Meredith stutters and turns to leave running straight into Callie in the hallway. "I think that if she wasn't busy holding her back she would've physically hit me. She's livid."

"She busy working a small child out of her body. I'd be pissed off too…" She drags out realizing that this will be her scenario in a few months. She swallows heavily and continues, "…and why did you even bother going in there?" Callie puts a hand on her hip and waits for an answer.

"I-I thought she might want ice."

"I know you think it's all okay now and everything but if I had to guess, I would put good money on things still being awkward for her and I'd imagine this situation only serves more frustrating so…do yourself a favor and go find out how long Dr. Shepherd will actually be before returning."

"Yeah, okay. I can do that." Meredith shifts awkwardly on her black flats and tries to find an escape route.

"Oh damn it," Callie grumbles feeling strangely hormonal, "Grey!" Meredith turns back frightened and waits ten feet away.

"Yeah?"

"It's a nice thing you are doing. Trying to help. That's really big of you…or whatever." Callie gripes.

"Thanks." She grins softly and disappears again.

* * *

Callie nearly trips in her heels and stumbles into Addison's doorway in time to see her friend hunched over gripping blankets and sheets on the bed as the monitors indicate she is riding out a rather sporadic and intense contraction. "Hey."

"This child is the devil." Addison gasps, untangling her hands from the soft fabric.

"That seems fitting since you are the 'ruler of all that is evil'", Addison glares and Callie decides to change tactics, "You tell me that again when she is a pink bundle in your arms." Callie mocks and steps into the room and plops herself into the vacant bed.

"No. I take that back. Derek is the devil."

"You are just now figuring this out? God Montgomery, I thought you were smarter than that."

"This is not a time for jokes." Addison says with a smile to betray her words.

"You just called your soon to be daughter the devil."

"And I was serious. Just wait until this happens to you. You'll never want sex again."

"Do you see who I am shacked up with?" Callie questions and stretches her legs out, kicking her heels to the tile with a resounding clatter. "You can't not want sex and be living with Mark Sloan."

"You live together now?" Addison questions curiously. She's happy for the temporary break in pain and definite distraction.

"Well, not yet but I figure since we are having a kid and all…oh fuck, I'm having a child. I'm having a child with Mark!" Callie announces loudly as if the thought just occurred to her. She spent the last week celebrating with Mark and that did not leave a lot of time for thinking seriously about the implications of spawning.

"I heard."

"I'm having a child with Mark fucking Sloan. What have I done!" Addison shakes her head with a laugh and watches as the younger woman works herself into a complete fit.

"We don't live together. What if he leaves things everywhere, what if he leaves the toilet seat up all the time, what if he can't cook and provide for us-"

"I hate to interject but I can affirm every single one of those things."

"We aren't married…and my Mom is probably going to kill me. I mean she practically disowned me after the whole George debacle…oh God, oh fuck, oh shit, damn it."

"Breathe." Addison reminds her and continues her pacing/fast waddling around the room.

"What have I done?"

Addison shrugs and then finally gives in sensing actual despair, "Callie you love kids. You once told me you wanted like six or some equally ridiculous number. You'll be fine and Mark…well I have never in my life seen Mark this happy."

"Even when you told him you were pregnant?"

Addison pauses, hesitates, completely forgetting that that situation ever existed. It's a true testament, she thinks, to how far she's come. "When I told him I was pregnant he flipped out and demanded to know if it was even his. Then he got pissed, slammed the front door and probably went out and grabbed the first girl he saw on the street. He was not happy. I was not happy, this isn't even remotely the same, ok?"

"Yeah. He was pretty happy when I told him."

"Callie, he's glowing and that's your job."

"You glow." She counters.

"Shut up-" The shrill ring of her cell phone sends her into a complete trance as another contraction begins to build. She slowly digs through her purse and after not recognizing the number answers, "Hello?"

"Honey-"

"Derek Michael Shepherd!" Addison screams into the phone.

"Hello to you too sweetheart." He grins, handing an instrument back to the nurse next to him.

"You think you can just abandon me during this? Knock me up and then watch on from the gallery of life while I suffer!"

"So you're in pain then?" He teases carefully stepping back from Richard's open skull.

"Fuck you Derek, fuck you and all of your stupid super sperm, fuck you!" Addison shouts angrily as Callie watches beyond amused.

"That's a very dirty mouth you have there wife. Ever think that this is partly your doing?"

"No." She huffs as the pain begins to be unbearable, "I hate you and we are never, ever having sex again…ever!" She yells as soon as she can catch her breath, "Wait…why am I echoing. Derek, am I on speaker?"

"Maybe." He grimaces looking to the scrub clad nurses for help. They smirk and turn away, determined not to be involved in Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd's soon-to-be wrath.

"Derek!"

"Oh fine, I had O'Malley call you so I could check in. Everyone say hello to Addison." The chorused greeting rings out loudly through the phone and Callie stifles a laugh watching Addison glow bright red under the hospital lights.

"Oh God…Hi." She responds, "Derek can you take me off now?"

"Promise to behave and not threaten to castrate me?"

"No and do it now." She threatens, the edge seeping back into her voice.

"Ok." He leans into the wall of the OR, watching as the monitor beep and people concern themselves looking busy.

"Just us?"

"Just us."

"What were you thinking!" She shouts stumbling into the chair next to her friend as her feet begin to protest. She knew it was a bad day to try out her knew pumps and now she is stuck in ridiculous hospital socks and a gown that she forced Miranda to cinch so tight that she can hardly breathe in an effort to keep an embarrassing situation at bay.

"I was thinking I needed to speak with you and I had my hands inside a very important man's skull."

"Is he okay?" Addison sighs and gives up on yelling for the moment.

"He'll be alright. It's a small tumor but it's closer to the optical nerve this time and it's taking me a long time to get in there. If I take his eyesight I will never live it down so I want to be sure-"

"I understand."

"I'm working as fast as I can Addie."

"I know."

"Hang in there for me, okay?" He asks calmly. His usual smirk and coy behavior departed.

"I'm trying. How much longer do you have?"

"Couple of hours. How far along are you?"

"I'm only three centimeters but I don't know how long I can hold off, she seems hates me."

"Don't wait for me Addison, that's silly...and I have it on good authority that Kernel does not hate the mother that will be feeding her every meal in the coming months."

"What's silly is this whole notion of procreating." She pauses as he laughs in the background, "Derek?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm maybe a touch scared." She dips into the hallway hoping to spare Callie more conversational ammunition.

"Everything will be fine." He states calmingly as everyone peers back at him waiting.

"You don't know that." She grumbles deciding to take a small walk down the hall.

"I do too. I am all knowing, I am all powerful." He teases, "Hey Addie?"

"Yes?"

"We're having a baby." He grins brightly. His white teeth peek out from behind his subtle lips.

"I still hate you." She states more adamantly though she can tell he is smiling on the other side.

"I know. I have to go. Take care of things for me and don't let Mark drive our kids in. He pretends to play Nascar on the freeway-"

"Why am I not surprised? Hurry?"

"Doing my best. Bye."

"I know, goodbye." She flips the phone shut and slides up against the wall feeling oddly overwhelmed and unprepared. Sure she's birthed more kids than she can keep track of and has preformed a vast array of life saving procedures on humans without teeth but this is different. This is her child and for as well versed she is in every aspect of the situation, the knowledge was always from the other side of the table…and she can't seem to find her doctor button to flip on now.

* * *

"You guys watch TV?" Mark asks when the rain begins to trickle down around the twins in the backyard. He gets no reply and instead decides that he'll have to manhandle them to get anything done. Careful not to destroy the three hundred dollar shoes on his feet he scoops one up with each arm and is immediately met with kicks and screams as soon as he takes one step toward the house.

"Knock it off!" He shouts as they impale his kidneys and shins with every movement. He sets them on the ground in the living room in front of all of their toys and then dives into the couch digging for the remote.

They stare back with wide eyes and Collin regards the tall man in front of him, "Mama?"

Mark laughs, "No."

"Jama!"

"I don't know what that means." He scoffs and then turns up the volume on the football game since the Yankees are pretty much in a dead heat for last place in the AL this year.

"Doggy!"

"Doggy is outside." Mark mumbles and maneuvers his head around the dark brown wisps of whatever child is standing in his way.

Forty minutes later Mark notices the silence. He turns down the volume and props his feet up on Addison's overly expensive wood coffee table. Ten minutes after that he realizes that the silence is due to missing children. He stands, his heart thumping loudly, and lets his eyes dart around the room. Slowly he begins to eliminate the rooms downstairs before something outside catches his eye. He darts from the office and into the backyard to find the twins covered head to toe in mud and still playing with Graham who is definitely in need of a bath.

"Fuck." He grumbles and makes his way toward the two fumbling children who are fighting over the one dingy florescent tennis ball, "Hey you!" Neither child looks up and Collin snatches the ball from his brother and begins to run toward the opened fence. "Oh come on guys."

Mark picks up his feet, quickly starting into a comfortable jog to where one dirty child has disappeared beyond the barrier and is probably headed toward the stream that runs along the back of his best friend's property. Apparently Derek and fishing can not be separated now and even though the entire house screams of Addison, it's location in the near woods of Seattle is all his life long brother. "Hey kid, wait up!"

The screams emanating from the center of the yard only serve to further annoy him as he races ahead and reaches Collin just before he has time to toss the ball into the water. He grabs his hand and pulls him back toward the house intent on putting them in whatever sort of cage contraption he can find.

He can hear his cell phone going off inside and eventually, after getting both children back inside and gated into the kitchen and coincidentally not latching the back door all the way, he reaches his phone on the last ring. "Hello?" He gasps out of breath and still high on adrenaline.

"Mark."

"Hey baby." He responds leaning against he wall and then jumping off of it when he realizes that he too is covered in mud.

"How are things going?" She asks watching Addison finally struggle getting into bed to relax.

"Oh you know…good." He dips down the hallway further away from the screams and tears that are radiating from the pale green and light wood kitchen.

"Are they alive?" She asks cautiously dropping her voice.

"Yes, Cal they are alive. I can watch kids." He states proudly.

"Yeah, I know. Anyway…Izzie finally located Addison's keys so she is going to come home and take care of the kids for a little while before bringing them in because things are moving really slowly here-"

"She hasn't had that kid yet?" He interrupts checking his watch.

"No. It takes more than ten minutes Mark."

"Yeah, I know. I know things about babies."

"That's probably a good thing." She smiles, happy to hear him still excited.

"Listen, Cal, has Izzie left yet?"

"Yeah like ten minutes ago, why?"

"Oh no reason…no reason at all. I need to go though. You know keep these kids in line." He grimaces looking out the window to see Graham rolling on his back in the mud hole the boys dug with their hands in Derek's once pristine lawn.

"Uh huh." She grins at Addison and cups her hand around the phone, dashing out into the hallway. "Mark, if you did something-"

"I didn't do anything."

"She will kill you and I'm not saying this because she's in pain and you're Mark and she would scream anyway-"

"Baby please, everything is under control."

"Mark-"

"Don't you trust me Callie?" He peeks his head around the corner to meet his doom. On the floor is a trail of mud and little finger swipes all over drawers and the shiny clean knobs…and of course no kids to blame for any of it. "Don't answer that, I gotta go." He hangs up the phone and races out the backdoor throwing his phone on the kitchen table as he goes.

Twenty minutes later Izzie stumbles through the door, dropping her keys into the ceramic bowl on the end table by the front door. "Dr. Sloan?!" She walks through the toy covered living room and gasps when she sees the dirty kitchen, "Mark!"

She finds him, head in hands, sitting on the back porch while the twins splash in muddy puddles and screech with delight. "What the hell is going on?"

"They wanted to play in the mud?" He attempts softly. He's rapidly resigning himself to the fact that he sucks as a babysitter and it's easier to let them do as they please than to try and keep them inside.

"Mark, it's freezing out here and they are soaked! And the house is a mess, what were you thinking!"

"Hey lady, it's not like I asked for this assignment. I'm doing my best."

"Yes, which apparently consists of trying to get the Shepherd's kids sick and as dirty as possible." She gripes stalking over to the boys who meet her with a barrage of squeals and hugs.

"Anyone could do it that way…" Mark grumbles and sighs returning his focus to the dripping blades of wet grass by his feet. With any luck, he thinks, his kid will at least be well behaved.

* * *

"Addison?!" Naomi calls into the room of beeping monitors and drawn blinds, shielding tired eyes from the bright glints of sun streaks peeking through the clouds.

"Nae?" Her head whips up from the stupid Seattle Living magazine that she is attempting to focus on.

"Hey." She smiles warmly.

"What are you doing here?"

"Oh, you know, just checking in on my best friend who keeps abandoning me in my times of need." Naomi kids and reaches for Addison's metal bound chart at the end of her bed.

"I missed you too." Addison grins and then tries to stretch out.

"So, this is moving along well." Naomi remarks pointing to the papers.

"This is moving slowly. If she wants to stay in then she shouldn't have started this mess to begin with." She pauses and bites her lip, "What are you really doing here?"

"Callie called and invited me to the baby shower, and my flight got endlessly delayed and then I arrived and some rude curly headed woman informed me that you were here and voila! Thanks for telling me, good to know you are still so amazing at keeping in touch."

"I'm sorry, things have been so-"

"I know. This is your free pass, now where are my nephews at because all I've got are pictures and I know those aren't doing them any justice." She flops into the chair, the full effects of waiting in endless lines and horridly uncomfortable plane seats taking their toll.

"At home with Izzie." Addison states softly and reaches out for Naomi's hand when the pressure begins to build again. It's a never ending process and her daughter refuses to speed things up so she can enjoy all the wonderment of drugs.

"Who's Izzie?"

"I told you about her, oh…ow…ouch." She gasps and waits as patiently as possible until is passes.

Naomi shakes her hand out when Addison releases it and stares back in surprise, "You've conquered the mastery of superhuman strength while I was away?"

"Shut up, I held your hand while Sam was stuck in traffic and Maya was trying to make her grand debut. Payback."

"Addie, where's Derek?" She watches her friend's eye well with uncontrollable tears, "Surgery?" Addison nods and Naomi sighs grabbing her hand again, just to hold; just to offer silent support with because it's all she can do.

* * *

"Good O'Malley, very nice work." Derek nods and reaches out for something to aide in the slow process of picking his mentor's brain. "Oh, no…no I need suction, now!" He barks at the closest person next to him. "There's too much bleeding I can't see- there we go." He takes a deep breath as things begin to finally resolve themselves and mutters under his mask for the hundredth time about Richard purposely keeping him the OR when he should most definitely be other places. "O'Malley, go find my wife and tell her that I have at least another three hours here."

"Yes sir." George steps back and snaps off his gloves and pulls down his mask.

"Oh and O'Malley?"

"Yeah Dr. Shepherd?"

"While you are out there find someone who has a steady hand because there is a video camera in my locker and I want everything on tape."

George clears his throat and swallows at the request, praying that he will not have to be the one in there trying to get the infamous redhead to push. "Can do."

"Thanks." He grins knowing full well that it will be awkward for anyone who gets the job. He'll risk the potential shouting match with his wife over the recording of sensitive areas and bloody events because if he can't be there he sure as hell wants to be able to watch it. It is, after all, a one in a lifetime event for them.

* * *

"Have you seen Izzie?" George spits quickly as he passes Alex by in the hall.

"Nope."

"Hey, you've got steady hands…you're a surgeon." George smiles.

"O'Malley whatever you are scheming, I don't want in. I have enough problems, thank you." Alex pauses on the catwalk and stares outside to the sun breaking through the black clouds.

"Dr. Shepherd told me to tell you that he left something in his locker for you to do. Very big happenings, a VIP patient in room 479A." He laughs a little to himself and rushes away leaving Alex completely puzzled.

"O'Malley!" Alex shouts frustrated and then shakes his head and turns toward the lockers. He can't even count how many ridiculous things he has done for one or the other Shepherd in the last two years. In between surgeries and running for coffee, being bitched at for sloppy handwriting in charts and talking too rudely to newborns he has quickly come to discover that it is just best to do as they ask and stay the hell out of the way. He picks up his feet deliberately until he finds the correct metal door.

"I'm not doing this, no way, no fucking way." Alex announces as he steps into Addison's room.

"Doing what?" She looks toward him as she paces the room slowly. At four-ish centimeters and basically stuck she more than frustrated and angry at everyone including the griping resident two feet from her light blue socks.

"Videotaping the birth. No, just no. I don't care if you are my boss and I don't care that you can ruin my career, this is out of line so…no." He shakes his head vehemently and hands over the piece of electronic equipment.

"I didn't ask anyone to tape this." She looks toward Callie and Naomi on the other side of the room.

"Not me."

"I've only been here for an hour." Naomi shrugs and returns to her hand of shitty cards. Pair of sevens high.

"George said Dr. Shepherd-oh." Alex inhales and fumbles with the string on his scrub pants, "Listen I'm with Hahn today and I am certain that she will kill me if I screw off and tape this whole shenanigan…so I'm going to…go."

"Right." Addison asserts, "That would just be…awkward." She blushes, strenuously trying to remember to slap her husband, who full well knows she slept with said resident years ago and how difficult that would be for both of them.

"I'm happy for you though, congrats and all that."

"Yes, thank you. Good day Dr. Karev."

"Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd." He nods and practically sprints from the room.

"Was that the intern?" Naomi eyes suspiciously.

"Yes." Callie fills in before Addison can deny anything.

"I made a bad decision a while back and yes-"

"Girl, you always make bad decisions when you are lonely and horny. Exhibit one." Naomi laughs and points to Addison's protruding stomach.

"Oh so she's always been like this?" Callie chuckles.

"Addison is, how do you say, man challenged?"

"I bet that was entertaining."

"More than you will ever know, did you know that her first was in her senior year of college?"

"What!" Callie gasps looking over at Addison who has decided not to hear the entire conversation for the sake of conserving energy.

"Oh yes, she was very-"

"Prude." Callie fills in lying down her hand of a jack/queen full house.

"Yes, that's a good word for it but ever since then...damn." She exclaims lying down her sevens and looking toward Callie's hand.

"Then she went through like three weeks of wild one night stands determined not to be all chaste and whatever."

"You wild woman!" Callie mocks and shuffles the deck quickly.

"Guys…" Addison whines, "I'm right here."

"You're kind of hard to miss." Callie points out.

"Yeah, well this will be you in a few months so I would shut the hell up if I were you."

"You're pregnant too! You'll have to show me which delicious man you shacked up with. Seriously Addison, I can see why you 'Mc' people here. They need it." Naomi waves a hand at her face to cool herself down because she is post-divorce in the city that breeds beautiful men and it's enough to drive her legs apart.

"Mark." Addison spews through gritted teeth.

"Mark Sloan!" Naomi shouts as the same time Callie gasps, "Addison!"

"God can someone find me an anesthesiologist or something. Make yourselves useful!"

"Oh please, you know you don't want to do that now…" Naomi teases.

"I wasn't this mean to you when you were having Maya and I will not be this rude when I am delivering that…that thing of yours! I hate you all." Addison states with a scowl and climbs back into bed to page a nurse.

"Tell me that again when I am delivering your child flawlessly." Nancy calls entering the room.

"Great." Addison mutters.

"I would be happy if I were you. You just got the best OB/GYN on the East Coast." Nancy smiles.

"What are you doing here?"

"Baby shower and it's a damn good thing I decided to ignore the whining protests of Diane and Karen and Mom and come out anyway…fashionably late of course." She chucks her purse into the chair next to her, "Alright, let's have a look."

"Nancy, it's really very kind of you to offer but I have a doctor and-"

"Really, where is he then?"

"She…is at home picking up my children." Addison frowns and pouts and then props her legs up allowing Nancy to view. She was just going to roll with whoever was available while waiting for Izzie to make an appearance but it's time for a change in plans apparently. There was a game plan once upon a time but it has been all washed down the drain and she is forced to roll with the punches, not something that she does well normally and not something that she likes in pressure situations.

"Looking good. I'd say five centimeters now."

"This never ends! I'm going to be in active labor until I die."

"We both know women that have 24 hours plus of labor and I can assure that that will not be you, ok?" Addison nods, "Nancy's here." She pats her knee conceitedly and smirks before looking around the room, "Sent Derek to get ice?"

"He's in surgery." Callie fills in mindlessly, exchanging her three and a two for some unknown cards.

"Oh. Well, let's get some basics here. How far apart-"

"About three minutes and lasting anywhere from forty five seconds to what was the last one, almost two minutes?" Naomi rattles off studying her hand.

"Yes, thanks." Addison breathes slowly.

"Are we going all natural here or something? You know there is no shame in an epidural Addison."

"Yeah, like I want to slow this process down any more." She gripes clinging to the bed sheets.

"Ok, it's your vagina."

"I reserve the right to change my mind."

"As always." All three other women call out and then start laughing.

"I'm glad you are all enjoying my pain this much. I'll be sure to- oh…" The blinding sting stops her mid sentence and if any sort of annoyed look was conveyable through clenched teeth she'd be doing it.

"I like her like this, she can't talk as much." Nancy snorts and then goes in search of a place to notify people of her presence of a change into baby delivering appropriate clothes. She may love her sister in-law but there will be no way she is ruining her new heels over any infant.

* * *

"How's she doing?" Derek asks as soon as George is scrubbed back in and at his side.

"She's in labor Dr. Shepherd." He answers calmly and steps in to survey what has been done since he left.

"Right, well did you find someone to tape it because we aren't getting out of here anytime soon."

"I got it under control." He nods.

"Good to hear O'Malley, so you thinking about a career in neuro?" Derek asks buying time, wasting time, waiting in time until he can skip from the room and sprint to his very angry, very hormonal, very in pain Addison.

"Actually, I'm thinking about being a general surgeon."

"Well, Bailey is as good as you're going to get to study under."

"She is good." George nods and turns his attention to the ferryboat headed surgeon next to him, "Did you hear about Callie and Mark?"

Derek laughs in spite of himself, merely happy to not be the topic of conversation in the daily gossip wheel, "I did."

"That's probably for the best, I mean she looks happy, I think."

Derek nods, being able to sympathize with where the shorter man stands in his life. "Sometimes you gotta let them go O'Malley." He pauses taking a second to assure himself that the tumor is indeed completely gone, "…and sometimes you get lucky and they come back to you."

"She will not come back to me."

"Then she's not the one for you O'Malley. Live, learn and be happy." Derek smiles under his mask.

"Nice motto." George rolls his eyes and readies himself to help close up the chief.

* * *

"Push harder!" Nancy yells over the monitors and the light chatter from the hospital staff behind her.

Addison is gone. Lost in a haze of excruciating pain and a fog of noise. She pushes, she breathes, she pushes again. She's lost all track of time but from the cool sweat she can feel clinging to her red hair she can tell she's been at this awhile. At some point she asked for the stupid cheers to be stopped and for the room to just shut up so she could get the job done. Then she made Nancy promise not to let her tear anything and they began.

A quick decision was made not to have anyone next to her holding her hand or anyone propping her up from behind. She wanted Derek and in the event that he was going to be completely unavailable the entire time she would go it alone. She squints against the bright lights and reacts to her body hoping that everything will be over soon and she will be able to cuddle her new pink daughter to her chest and take a nap. She hears someone shout something about her blood pressure spiking and she mostly wants to slap them for complaining about the obvious situation. It's been a wonder that her pregnancy has gone this uncomplicated to begin with and she is not going to let a little lightheadedness get her down.

"Ok, take a break for a second Addison." Nancy announces and then scoots back from the end of the table.

"What? Why?" She pants trying to have the energy to hold herself up.

"We don't appear to be getting anywhere near-"

"I can do this." Addison immediately begins to argue.

"Honey, it's not you." Nancy replies gently trying to contemplate the best route. She paces back and forth in short steps and breathes in heavily. If this was any other situation she wouldn't be hesitating and really there is something to be said for family not working on family, but since the chief is under the knife and this is Addison, Nancy felt the need to step up to the plate. "We could-"

"Nancy, I am having this baby now. Get back down there and do your job." Addison asserts smoothing the long bangs, that wouldn't stay in the French braid Callie did on her when she got bored, behind her right ear.

"We've been doing this for hours Addie and your blood pressure keeps-"

"I'm going to start pushing." Addison warns and breathes deeply trying to scoot herself forward again.

"If you pass out or-"

"I won't. Come on." She coaxes.

Nearly fifty minutes later after an ongoing debate between Addison and her "doctor" baby girl Shepherd makes her grand debut. Tipping the scales at six pounds-four ounces and all of eighteen inches long she arrives and Nancy counts ten fingers and ten toes before smiling widely and handing her over to be cleaned up a little better while she finishes the rest of her work down below.

Addison slouches back against the tilted bed and breathes a sigh of relief when the loud screams pierce the air. "She's here." She sighs more than exhausted and ready to just cry it out. Minutes later the warm, still screaming bundle of joy is deposited in her arms and she finds herself not caring about anything. The tiredness drips away, the awkwardness of having her sister in-law between her legs is completely gone and everything is replaced with trying to calm the squirming baby against her chest. "Hey you, hello. I'm your mom. It's nice to finally meet the person who has been kicking me relentlessly for months, yes it is." She coos softly, "Daddy is an asshole and is not here. Actually I probably shouldn't say that yet, he's a good guy." She affirms when Nancy starts chuckling to herself down below. "Hey don't you screw up anything down there. Your brother would be-"

"Ah! I'm not listening…and I've got this, congrats Addie." Nancy grins.

"She's perfect." Addison whispers to no one in particular and is met, not that she is looking, with a room full of nods and quiet approvals.

* * *

Having officially decided that Richard plotted this entire thing against him to make his life hell, Derek scrubs out rapidly and nearly runs into the door trying to get out of the room. He sprints past patients in wheelchairs and doctors hurrying about their lives to the closest nurses' station because in the mix of surgery he completely forgot to ask everyone what room his wife was in.

"479A." A familiar voice shouts behind him. He turns to find Izzie with Collin asleep in her lap and Carter asleep in Callie's with Naomi, Meredith, George (who he let leave long before things were finished), Alex and a griping Cristina in the corner playing with her cell phone. A still mud covered Mark claps his hand down on his best friend's shoulder and announces, "And hurry up because your pig headed wife won't let anyone in there until you see her first."

"She's here." Derek says softly.

"You're about an hour too late baby brother." Nancy states stepping into the hallway. "Well what are you looking at me for, go meet your daughter." She reaches a hand around and pushes him forward toward the faux wooden door. "She's pretty tired so I wouldn't worry about her yelling just yet."

His gait, much unlike his trip up the stairs minutes ago, is now calm and slow. He touches the metal handle prepared to meet the newest, most important piece of his life. "Add?"

"Hey." She grins sleepily. "Get over here."

"I'm so sorry, so sorry." He admits walking forward but stops himself when he finally catches the first glance of his daughter. He'll never be able to explain the feeling to anyone. The pride mixed with the sheer adrenaline is enough to make him want to cry but when he touches the soft skin of the sleeping baby's cheek all he can do is smile. "God, she's amazing Addison. Thank you so much." He kisses the crown of her head lightly and fixes his eyes once again on the newborn.

He carefully slides into the bed next to her when she attempts to scoot over for him. "She's got your nose."

"That's a good thing." Addison affirms snuggling back into her pillow and trying not to move the lower half of her body more than an inch at any point.

"Yeah." He agrees hesitantly.

"She has your eyes…when they are open." She tells him and watches the way he seems to radiate light across the room. The baby may have been a surprise but now, watching Derek swell with life, she knows that this was not a mistake or an accident of any kind. This was meant to be.

He slowly lifts the tiny pink hat to reveal a head full of vibrantly deep red hair. "Wow."

"Yeah. Just her luck, my hair…I think it's darker though, I don't know." She always wanted a baby with Derek's dark wavy hair. Being a redhead is not all it's cracked up to be, especially when you are five and people think you look like your head is on fire.

"She's beautiful." He snuggles into Addison's shoulder and watches as she starts to drift off to sleep. "Hey Add?"

"Hmmm…"

"She needs a name."

"We picked already." She mumbles with closed eyes and lets him lift the baby out of her arms. Sleep is demanding that she join in the party.

He stands gently cradling the now nameless infant's head and begins to sway back and forth to keep her calm about the new change in altitude. To his credit, she stays fast asleep and he begins to feel more assured in his movements, "It's not right. That doesn't feel right for her."

"I know." Addison whispers, "We can pick a new one…later."

"Okay." He grins trying to memorize his daughter's delicate features. From her tiny pink lips all the way up to her soft ears. "Addison-"

"Derek, I love you and I love her but I am tired and if-"

He chuckles and cuts her off, "I was just going to tell you that you should sleep and that I am going to take Kernel here out to meet a few people if that's acceptable that way you don't have to deal with anyone for a little while. It's the least I can do."

"Don't call her Kernel." Addison mumbles, lips pressed into the hospital stationed white pillowcase, "And turn off the light on your way out."

"Okay." He slips from room and presses the baby closer to him feeling her light breaths against his well worn, wrinkled blue scrubs. Taking small steps with one foot carefully placed in front of the other he finally reaches his destination and smiles at the disheveled group waiting for him, "Kernel, I have some pretty important people for you to meet."

* * *

A/N2: So baby girl Shepherd? She had a name and through the course of writing this it came to feel wrong. Got a name idea? Leave it with me and I may use yours...and hell maybe the winner (if I find one) will get a little treat or something, I'm in a giving mood. :)

* * *


	16. It kills to wake up one more time alive

A/N: So this is a touch angsty I think. I don't know. I'm kind of a horrible judge on these things. Thanks to everyone for their continued support on this piece...oh and thanks for the baby names! You'll see what I ran with. Enjoy-

* * *

**_My stomach's left in a knot_**  
**_My pride is left here to rot_**  
**_It's been a while since I've felt this restless_**  
**_By definition it's depressing but I'm alright_**  
**_It kills to wake up one more time alone_**  
**_It kills to wake up one more time alive_**  
_- The Classic Crime, "I Know The Feeling"_

* * *

Fourteen days later Addison had almost officially given up on the idea of breastfeeding. She thought that her daughter would be inclined enough to give it a go but Riley Emerson Montgomery Shepherd (entirely Addison's choice and Derek complied having missed the birth) had other plans. Plans that included screaming every time she was out of someone's arms and thrashing her tiny legs until someone felt pity and cuddled her to their chest.

Situated in the master bedroom Derek lies up against the headboard with his new daughter below his chin completely mesmerized as to how something so wonderful could be created. He strokes her dark red hair softly and whispers silly stories to her baby ears hoping that Addison won't come out of the shower and mock him mercilessly. He has no position on the breastfeeding topic, which is, between naps and trying to squeeze in time with the boys, all his wife seems to be concerned with these days. "And when you grow up Riley, you can be whatever you want, don't let your mother talk you into being a doctor. You can be whatever you like and I'll still be proud." She coos softly in response, completely content to lie on her father's chest and try to focus on his growing stubble that hasn't been shaved because he is too "tired".

"Derek, are you telling her horrible things about me again?" Addison pokes her head out of the shower minutes later.

"Who me? I would never…" He smiles and she throws the latte colored towel at his head.

"You just want her to like you the best." Addison smirks, "But I will remind you that I pushed that thing out and she will like me the best for at least a full month or until I can walk properly." She slowly meanders to the bed, taking her steps carefully and snuggles up next to him rubbing the baby's back gently as she stares on with bright blue eyes. "She's awfully pretty."

"Yes she is, not that I'm biased or anything."

"Right." Addison slides a little farther down letting her exhausted limbs stretch over the rumpled comforter, "Izzie will be back soon with the boys."

"You should sleep Add. You are supposed to sleep when she sleeps-"

"She isn't sleeping." Addison yawns.

"But if you'd let me finish one sentence, you would have heard that when she is sleeping you are busy making sure that the boys get play time and lunch and baths- you're running yourself ragged already Addie and we haven't even been home a full three weeks yet. I'm here for another week, Izzie is here full time and I know you're the "mom" but you have to let us help."

She purses her mouth prepared to fight him and then shrugs, "I guess a nap would be pretty nice but if she wakes up, wake me up, we are going to get this breastfeeding thing down if it kills us both."

"Yes, dear." He leans over carefully and presses a kiss to her temple as she slithers her toes under the blankets and curls into the now very familiar position on her side.

She got approximately thirty minutes of sleep before her daughter's fitful, wrenching cries filled the room. When Addison blinked her eyelids open she saw Derek pacing the room with a small bounce in his step. "Feeding time," Addison murmured groggily scooting herself back up.

"I changed her diaper. Sorry you didn't get to sleep more."

"It's okay," Addison stretches out her arms waiting patiently for the hiccupping newborn to be transferred, "She's demanding."

"Just like her mother."

"Haha. Is Izzie back yet?" Addison carefully negotiates the fabric that impedes her daughter's path and patiently waits. Nothing happens.

"Not yet." Derek marvels with fascination.

"I think it's creepy that you watch, maybe she doesn't like putting on a show." She gently inches Riley's mouth forward encouraging her to latch on.

"You've tried without me." Derek nods, taking a place on the bed with pillows sprawled all over due to Addison's quest for sleep.

"I wish she would at least try to eat for more than three minutes at a time." Addison whines, "I know I'm doing this right-"

"Addie…" Derek whispers softly, "I think if you relax, she'll relax."

"Oh please, like you know-"

"Humor me. Just be quiet and relax your body." He smirks as Riley finally gets the hang of things and Addison shoots him a not so subtle death glare. He takes his victory by pecking her lips softly and jumping when he hears the door slam downstairs. "The monsters are home, brace for impact."

Addison laughs and listens as the little feet stampede their way up the stairs and down the hall chorusing something no one can understand.

"You guys need to be quiet, the baby is eating." Derek explains pulling Carter into his lap. His son immediately wiggles free and climbs over to Addison, completely missing the memo about Riley and nearly squishing her in his quest for comfort.

"Carter Vitaly Nikolai Shepherd!" Addison warns so sternly that his eyes well up and his mouth sags open instantaneously preparing for waterworks.

"Momma!" He wails angrily digging into her side and trying to hide his head.

Derek finds it more than amusing that his son chooses to seek comfort out from the person who first hurt his feelings but the notion soon dissipates when Collin senses his brother's tears and begins crying to help him. "Collin."

"Oh gosh, I'm so sorry Addison. I tried to keep them occupied but-" Izzie appears in the doorway waving her hands and then swiftly plucks Carter from Addison's body.

"It's okay." Addison yawns, reveling in the pain of her daughter finally enjoying an entire meal. The screams still resound from the twins as Izzie corrals them out into the hallway and into their own room to play. They certainly have been seeing less of both parents and the shift is not unnoticed by any child. Derek can't even count the times he has been ambushed after getting home from the grocery store and other errands and he can't imagine how hard it is for his wife who is constantly being pulled in nine different directions. He sweetly kisses the top of her head as her eyelids fall closed again, Riley safe in her embrace, and wanders out of the room to aide Izzie.

* * *

Reaching his boiling point after two hours of songs, warm bottles and little games of peek-a-boo he finally gave up and started singing to get them to sleep. Half of London Calling later he stumbles back down the stairs in a trance like state and flops onto the couch next to his frazzled wife. "They hate me. They aren't always like this are they?" He's been back at the hospital for two and a half weeks and he has very little idea of what is going on at home because of the holiday related injuries filling his days.

"They are now." Addison nods, turning down the TV and nestling against Derek's chest.

"Maybe they're just jealous." He reasons pressing his warm lips to the exposed flesh of her neck.

"I think they get more attention now then they did before." She hums feeling her skin flush under his touch.

"It should be better by now." He whispers lightly blowing.

"Uh-huh." She moans throatily.

"I know that voice, I haven't heard it in months, but I know it." He chuckles allowing her to fully climb on top of him, straddling his growing erection. "You better not be teasing me."

"I got the green light this morning from my doctor," She traces the underside of his white shirt softly with her fingers, "…unless you want me to stop-"

"No." He groans as she reaches between her legs and rubs him gently, "God no."

"Are you sure? I mean I'm certain your day was impossible and all you really want to do now is sleep-" He effectively cuts her short by yanking her neck down and crashing his lips into hers, "I'll take that as a no." She giggles and then slowly begins to slip the large round buttons of her blouse through their holes with a wicked smile. He reaches his hands up to speed the process but she bats them away instantly, intent on taking her time their first go around since the baby. In between naps, drool, spit up, diapers, food thrown in her hair, mud from the boys and more diapers Addison is dead certain that she has looked far from glamorous in the last few months. Tonight, however, she managed to find something that didn't smell like Riley had been gurgling on it all day and even got her hair brushed before the madness set in.

She tosses her shirt to the floor and smacks his chest playfully when he lifts his hand to cup a breast, "I said wait."

"You never said that." He drawls impatiently. He's been tolerant. Good with all of the tears when Riley refused to eat naturally, helpful with trying to give her alone time away from the boys, amazing at keeping everyone in control of their tempers most of the time but now he is feeling a little anxious. He hasn't wanted anything this badly in years so he sits up slowly and rolls her back taking control. His hands caress her sides, tease the straps of her bra and finally tangle into her hair when her mouth finally gains enough strength to find his.

As he finds the silver button on her dark jeans he hears the cries from above. Normally he would let them be but their unmatched lung power only serves to awaken their sister two rooms down and it's easier to calm one or two red faces than three. Especially when the third one is only angry that she was woken up to begin with. "Damn it." He growls releasing Addison's head and standing up.

She shakes her head and allows him to pull her upright, "So much for that."

"Yeah."

"Being a parent is so overrated." She mocks and reaches for her discarded clothing.

"They're all so amazingly-"

"Frustrating? Horrible with timing? Annoying? Tedious? Challenging?" She begins listing as they climb the stairs two at a time, focused on getting both boy's under control before Riley wakes up.

"Geez Add, tell me how you really feel." He mumbles ahead of her.

"Sorry, I'm just tired and I really, really wanted sex tonight. I need sex; I have been craving it-"

"Are you dreaming about me again?" He turns with a smirk before they dash into the twin's room.

"Don't flatter yourself." She grins and dashes out of the way when he reaches to grab her arm. She lifts Carter onto her hip but no sooner does Derek have Collin than does the small boy lift his hands out for his mother. Sighing she takes him on the other side and tries her best not to topple over from all of the weight.

"I think you have turned them into momma's boys." Derek teases.

"Green is a bad color on you Derek."

"I look excellent in green," He smiles warmly, kissing the top of both boys' heads, "I'm going to check on the little one and I'll meet you in bed, okay?"

A simple ten minute, get them back to sleep routine, turned into an hour and a half guessing game of how long she could hold each child until her arms feel off. Derek came in twice before passing out in their bed without her. She let him sleep knowing full well that he had a busy and early morning coming up but there was a small part of Addison growing deep inside that resented his ability to sprint from the house in the morning after breakfast and escape the hell and monotony of three children under the age of three.

She felt absolutely enraged by the time her head hit the pillow and when her daughter awoke only thirty minutes later demanding to be fed, it took every ounce of strength she had not to smother herself with the pillow and stop breathing. She traipses down the hall loosening her pajamas in preparation and anxious to get the two in the morning feeding over with so that they could all maybe catch a bit more shut eye before the bright red gleaming numbers of the alarm clocked blinked six a.m. Falling asleep in the dark wood rocking chair was not something she found amusing, especially when she awoke to Derek pulling Riley from her arms and mentioning something about being paged. She gritted her teeth in reply and decided to ask Izzie to please take the boys to the park or somewhere without her so she could at least catch up with sleeping and perhaps if she was lucky- shaving her legs.

Instead her day was plagued with mild fevers, crying two year olds with their last set of new teeth and shameless amounts of wanting to drink everything into oblivion. She'd be lying if she said was happy in this moment, covered with spit up and hair half up, half hanging loosely over her shoulders. This was supposed to be easier, Addison Montgomery-Shepherd does not do failure and she was slowly beginning to realize that she was not only losing her mind but her sense of self as well. Even with all of the fantastic help Izzie was providing she was still overwhelmed before eight and after five every night and it wouldn't be fair to ask more of her blonde headed friend nor would be acceptable to admit the defeat because she was supposed to be great at this.

Her whole dream was to be a mother. Her entire life was based on this notion. Sure she wanted the career and the car and the income but deep down she wanted children and the relationship with a being so small and so caring that it would forever change her life. As an alternative all she feels is regret, pain and morbid frustration.

* * *

Her first day back was stemming from an ongoing fight with Derek. She was supposed to have another three weeks off but after being cooped up in the house with three growing kids and seemingly out of patience, Addison pulled a few strings and got herself back on the board early. She relished the thoughts of slicing skin and of filling out boring old charts and she was excited to welcome new innocent babies into the world while balancing her home life in small manageable doses.

After three successful c-sections and an uneventful day with her new interns, Addison slips into the nursery to retrieve her daughter for her feeding. It felt only fair to leave Izzie with the boys for the day and to take Riley with her, rather than trying to fight traffic and come home for her mid day break. After many, "ohs and ahs," of delight from the nurses and patients filtering the halls Addison dips into the tiny on call room at the end of the hall.

"Hi pretty girl, how was your day?" She asks gently placing the baby carrier down on the lower bunk bed and grinning when her daughter responds to her soft voice.

"Cal- oh I- sorry Addison." Mark stumbles standing in the open doorway.

"Hi."

"Hey. Is that, wow, she's getting so big." He stammers looking between the two red heads oddly overcome with sudden emotion. That could be his child and his wife and his family now. Callie in her fifth month is about as frightening as a ferret on heroin and sometimes his mind drifts to how much he missed that opportunity in New York. How if he just would've played his cards right and kept his pants on he could have had what he always wanted from life- Addison.

It's not that he isn't excited about his potential child. It's that he doesn't think it's right. It feels off and out of place and he has just now realized that the only time things felt right were when he was with Addison.

"Yeah, she's growing like a weed." She smiles stroking her daughter's pink cheek.

"She's beautiful." He remarks, his tone completely out of line, "You look beautiful."

"Thank you?" Addison questions and keeps a hand on her daughter for comfort.

"Sometimes I think-"

"God help us all." She quips quickly, unable to control herself.

"How it could've been in New York-"

"Mark, don't," She shakes her head, "That's over and it was for the best-"

"I would've been a good father Addison. I know it may have not seemed like it at the time but I would have loved our baby more than anything in the entire world, except you."

"Please stop." She sets her jaw firmly and crosses her arms over her chest.

"Don't you ever think about it?"

"You're with Callie and I'm married! No, I do not think about our mistakes."

"You're marries to Derek," he snorts, "Derek, who if I remember right hasn't been out of surgery more than fifteen minutes in the last two months."

"He's busy." She affirms unsure and slightly scared of the path they are treading down.

"We could've been happy. I wouldn't have worked all hours of the day and night-"

"Can you just drop the reminiscing and get to the point here because she needs to eat and when she doesn't she gets fussy which I really don't need today." Addison glares trying to remain in control.

"I miss you."

"You do not."

"I do, don't you miss me?" He finally finds the courage to lift his feet and takes three steps forward effectively making her scoot back into the wall.

She swallows hard trying to find the words. She struggles to avoid eye contact and feels the bile rising in her throat as he closes the gap between their lips. She knows what this is about. This is Mark freaking out about being a Dad for the first time. This is Mark frustrated by life and scared about what's to come. He burns it all to the ground, this is what he does, but it will not be with her. When he gets too close she flips her cheek against the wall and his scorching lips touch down on her neck as a flash of light blinds her from the door. She can't even manage a strangled a screamed, "Derek!" before he's gone.

* * *

"I wasn't- we weren't- I would never-" She struggles, the tears trying to creep down her face on their way home that night. He avoided her all day and nearly left her at the hospital. If it hadn't been for the fact that she had his daughter and he wouldn't abandon her no matter how stupid her mother was, he would already be gone. "Derek you have to believe me, you have to listen to me!"

"I hear you Addison." He says, voice void of passion, eyes cold and fixed on the road.

"You believe me don't you?"

"His lips, his mouth," he flips his head to look at her, nostrils flaring in anger, "He was touching you."

"I wasn't touching him! He came in and started blabbing on about how he would have been a good father to our child and about how he misses us and he asked me if I missed him and then he pinned me to a wall. He tried to kiss me Derek…but I turned my head, you have to believe me!" She finally sobs, aches reverberating through her core, shoulders shaking.

"Your child?" He wrinkles his brow and rubs a finger over her hand lightly. Even if it wasn't a misunderstanding, even if she was going there again he still can't stand to hear her cry and he hates himself for always being so weak with her.

She rolls her eyes at her own stupidity and sighs in defeat, "In New York- after you left- I was pregnant. It was Mark's but I didn't, I couldn't," she gulps, "and he was angry…still is apparently."

"You..." His hands wrap around the steering wheel tightly, "I can't fucking believe this. You didn't feel the need to mention that before?"

"It's not important." She argues, "Derek, I would never do that again. I meant what I said to you and I know things have been stressful and hectic and we haven't been seeing each other as much as I would like but I wouldn't…"

"I don't know what to say, I don't know what you want me to say Addison!"

"Say you believe me." She urges from the passenger side watching as the rain slaps the windshield hard.

"I-I…" His mind wanders back to the scene. He remembers how her neck was craned out of the way, the position of her hands as they were flat against the wall, how stiff her entire body was and he feels a wave of relief wash over him. "I believe you."

He never saw the road before the accident. He was too busy staring at the sobbing woman in the seat next to him. Too angry to focus, too stupid to pay attention.

They crashed together in sickening scrapes of metal on metal and fumbling wheels trying to gain traction on wet pavement.  
**_  
_**

Blinking through the haze he sees red…and more red. He hears Riley screaming somewhere in the distance and when he finally gets the airbag out of his soon to be bruised face he sees Addison perilously hanging next to him, no airbag to speak of. His eyes dance over the metal scrap piercing her stomach and he feels like throwing up. "Add-Addie…Addison!" His throat screeches above the noise of the freeway pile up and the sirens coming to their rescue but he knows he isn't speaking loud enough.

"Der-"

"Don't move Addie. Don't move, help is on the way." He tells her, mind swirling in dizzying pain.

"The baby." She whispers.

"She's fine. I can see her Add, she's okay." It's a lie. All her can see is her pink little hand in what was formerly the backseat but he can tell from her cries that she is more frightened than anything else.

"I have to get her." Addison mumbles starting to shift in her seat, completely oblivious to the extent of her injuries.

"Don't move…please honey don't move." Derek tries to scream but it's too late. She's twisting around behind them and he has to turn away when the shards shift and blood begins to pour from her stomach. He wants to tell her to stop, wants to tell her that it's all going to be okay, that he loves her and that nothing bad is going to happen to them or their daughter but it's useless. With a swift, choking gasp he is certain she is gone and when he rouses into consciousness again his only pain is that of knowing his wife is completely gone and it is all his fault.

If only he had trusted her enough. If only he was watching the road. If only he was a better man, a stronger husband so as not to be intimidated by the prowess of Mark fucking Sloan, then his Addison would be alive. His Addison would live to see her daughter's first birthday, her son's go to college and graduate, her husband's dark hair turn to gray as they greeted their first set of grandchildren.

He closes his eyes against the bright hospital lights and prays that when he wakes up it will all be different even though he knows it won't be.

If only indeed.

* * *

A/N2- Now if I had to guess? Right about now you are thinking, "Sarah- I'm going to fucking burn you alive." or some equivalent. If that's the case then you should probably know that I am indeed a mean person but not mean enough not to mention that this is an April Fool's chapter. You just suffered and endured my ramblings for essentially nothing. Needless to say the "real" chapter will be up within the next few days. evil smile Alright- let the name calling commence.

* * *


	17. It's buried in sandboxes backyard

A/N: Ah, I finally get to use the lyrics that started all of this madness. So this is it kids, no epilogue. Thank you to everyone- Tina who started this mess, Hannah who has read this in the smallest chunks that I am not even sure how she remembers what I have going on, Kendel for literally playing the name game with me for hours, Faith who keeps my mommy!Addison in line and everyone else. This has been a real treat to write and explore. Enjoy-

**_  
--_**  
**_I've got a bad taste in me_**  
**_It's like I've been robbed of something that I once was in my childhood memories_**  
**_And it's buried in sandboxes backyard where we used to see_**  
**_That dreams could come true if believed_**  
**_The sidewalks scream our names_**  
**_We are so far from home_**  
**_Far from home_**  
_- The Classic Crime, "Far From Home"_

* * *

"Amanda?" Derek questions looking over the pages of the now well used baby book.

"No, she's not an Amanda." Addison says softly looking down at her new daughter.

"How can you tell what she is and isn't? We've only known her for 27 hours."

"Correction, I have known her for 27 hours. You have known her for 25."

"I am never living that down, am I?" He smirks and flips to the C section.

"Nope." She runs a few fingers along her daughter's perfectly shaped nose and feels the rush of warmth run through her core. After the ridiculous addiction to peanut butter, gallons of salty tears, fire hot sex drive and numbing back pains she finally did it; it's the best sense of accomplishment that she's had since graduating med school. "I was thinking Carson."

"Carson?" He peeks up, "That's three C's. I hate when people do that."

"Carson Marie…no Carson Elisabeth…no." She bites her lip and straightens her daughter out hoping there will be some sort of sign. "Carson Viktorya Montgomery Shepherd."

"Victoria?" He sets the useless pages of bound paper on the end table next to him and slowly plods to the bed.  
"Yeah but spelled more Russian- K's instead of C's and Y's instead of I's. You know, that way they are all the same. I like congruity."

"This one is a girl." He states absentmindedly rubbing the soft pink blanket over his daughter's stomach.

"I know that, I pushed her out thank you very much."

"Yeah…yeah…" Derek grumbles, "Ok. Carson Viktorya Shepherd…I like that.

"Montgomery." Addison argues lifting her head and meeting Derek's eyes for the first time in hours.

"I won the first bet, remember?"

"And I gave birth while you were playing in the OR remember that? Besides it can just be a second middle name. The boys have two as well."

"Fine." He sighs knowing there is no use is getting her riled up into tears or a loud argument in a not so private hospital room. "Hello Carson."

"It fits her." Addison nods, "She's quiet."

"She had a traumatic birth, I am sure she's probably exhausted from listening to you scream at everyone for hours." Derek smirks and shuffles quickly when he sees her free arm come up to smack him on the chest. She repositions her head in the crook of his shoulder and shifts the newborn between them both so that they can admire her equally.

"I wasn't screaming the entire time though I am sure you find the thought amusing." She finishes and then yawns, snuggling her head into him more comfortably.

"Sleep." Derek whispers.

"I want to watch her."

"I'll watch her besides you only get one more day until we have to go home and then god only knows what will happen. I mean you have a kitchen to clean, laundry that has to be done, I need dinner on the table when I get home and our kids need to be clean-"

"The house is already a disaster." She groans against the soft fabric of his navy scrubs.

"Better get working woman." He quips and watches her eyelids slip closed and flicker back open fighting the demanding need for sleep. "You know we're never going to get quiet alone time like this for at least eighteen years."

"I hate you." She yawns and relaxes in his loose embrace.

"So I have heard." He kisses the crown of her head and watches their silent daughter for what feels like minutes. When he looks at his watch again it's been three hours and he's moderately surprised that the baby is still sleeping. From what he knows, they are usually screaming by now. "Addie…" He wiggles his shoulder causing her to rouse unpleasantly.

"Der-"

"She's asleep." He notes watching the steady movements of the baby's small chest.

"Then why am I awake?" Addison mutters.

"Isn't she…I mean she's got to be getting hungry right? Or wet? Should I wake her up?" He lifts the arm behind his wife's head and moves to jostle Carson when Addison finally replies that there are varying ideas of how long infants should sleep, if they should be woken up to feed, if there needs to be a schedule, if there can be a schedule and eventually lands on her answer of just let her sleep. He slouches down against the small hospital mattress and joins her in the quest for recharging.

Two hours later she opens her eyes to find her husband pacing the floor frantically, attempting to quell the cries of the newborn. "Give her to me."

"I tried-"

"She's hungry Derek, you can't help with that unless you are going to have Mark do some extremely radical and unheard of surgery." She extends her arms, accepting the red faced, open mouthed infant and immediately winces when he daughter latches on feverishly.

"You don't like my breasts?" Derek palms his chest with a smile and watches with fascination as his daughter fills her stomach.

"They're just fine." She smiles tiredly and retorts, "A little small for my taste but fine."

"I see." He pauses when she grimaces and clenches her jaw, "Does it hurt?"

"Well it's no picnic in the park, I can tell you that right now…but it will get better…or worse." She tilts her head to the side and rubs Carson's cheek.

"Let's hope for the better scenario." He remarks seriously and pulls up a chair.

"Yes let's because as much as I would love trying to massage out clogged milk ducts and attempting not to rub chapped nipples on everything, I don't think I'll have the time."

"I could take time off-"

"You can't." She says softly.

"Yeah, I know…damn Richard." He recalls. He visited him earlier in the day ensuring everything was fine and up to snuff but only after making sure the twins were safe with Izzie at home. The previous attempt at getting the boys to know baby girl Shepherd had not gone well and he was unsure of how exactly they were going to adjust to another life taking up their parent's time; if they ever would adjust without two year logical resentment.

"At least he named you interim chief this time. Anything is better than Mark trying to run this circus. We'd have interns fetching coffee and scones, residents doing attending's surgeries, Yang running the board and Bailey threatening to burn everyone alive."

"It'd be entertaining at least." He remarks and pulls the chair even closer tangling her free hand with his, "I bet he wouldn't be that bad- maybe I could just ask him to take over for a few days while I-"

"Derek, you've always wanted chief. This is your shot to prove to Richard and the board that you can do this now, not in ten years." She turns her head toward him and realizes, "You don't want chief anymore?"

"I want my family," he answers earnestly gleaming back at her, "…and I don't want anything getting in the way of that." She has no idea that he turned Richard down over one year ago. He never told anyone the details and in retrospect they seem insignificant anyway. Looking over at his pair of red heads he knows he already has everything he wants for his life and the only important part of that is making sure he keeps it together this time.

"We aren't going anywhere, trust me."

"I know. I just don't want to miss things because I'm behind a desk or have a scalpel welded to one hand and a pen to the other."

"There's a vision. Which hand is the pen going in?" She attempts to lighten the mood because she's still in a fair amount of pain and there is something awkward dangling off the front of her body and no matter how many times she tells herself it's natural, she still looks down shocked. Hopefully it will fade.

"Addie."

"Derek, I don't want to talk about this right now."

"Ok." He states nonchalantly, daring himself to believe that this isn't going to turn into one of the things they never talk about because they are happy now and that's too scary of a topic.

* * *

"Take care." Miranda instructs helping Addison out of the mandatory wheelchair the next day.

"I will." She smiles warmly, already tired, but excited to get home and settled in.

"Call me if you need anything," She glares looking over at Derek, "I mean anything."

"What did I do?" He gapes.

"You're you and that's enough." Miranda huffs and then leans over to see Carson already bundled up in a light purple blanket safe in the backseat of Addison's silver SUV. "Bye baby girl, don't let them make you crazy."

"I'll be back in a few hours." Derek remarks looking over the hood of the vehicle at the shorter woman, "Thanks for watching over the place for me."

"Not a problem and you better be helpful while you're gone. If Addison calls and tells me you are taking a nap I'll make sure to let the chief know every detail."

"Yes ma'am." Derek grunts sliding into the driver's leather seat waiting for Addison to bid her new friend goodbye. In the earlier days he was infuriated over how easily she made acquaintances and had everyone liking her before they even learned her last name and all of her indiscretions, now he rather enjoys that she has someone else to bitch to before getting to him. Life's funny like that.

"Ok, ready." Addison announces and then flips her head to check on their daughter while Derek slides the car into reverse. She watches the road trickle by slowly, takes in the fresh air and cloudy skies with promise of afternoon showers. "What time do you have to be back?"

"I have a laminectomy at two."

"Oh, ok."

"I'm really sorry that-"

"It's not your fault Derek." Addison states quickly, "I was just curious."

He grins and briefly looks over at her before checking the review mirror and seeing Carson sleeping peacefully (as always they have come to learn). "If it matters, I would rather be at home with you guys."

"I know and I have Izzie. She's there for a reason." She pushes into the headrest and closes her eyes against the fear of hormonal tears. It's scary and new and there are no incubators and little monitors at home but she is reasonably sound in the fact that she can keep her daughter alive for at least a day.

"The boys really like her." Derek manages trying not to notice Addison's stiff posture.

She nods numbly and keeps her eyes closed for the duration of the ride. Feels her body tug left and right with the turning of the steering wheel and she is propelled from her daydreams when they pull up the long driveway. Her eyes fix on the two smiling boys standing in front of the blue door with Izzie. Across their surely grimy little hands is a handmade white banner that says, "Welcome Home Sister" in various colors and scratches of crayon outside of Izzie's perfectly printed outline. She blinks back the tears and swallows the lump in her throat when the engine cuts out and she hears Derek remarking something about how cute that is before he jumps out of the car.

The banner is quickly forgotten, dropped, and stampeded as the boys rush forward to see the father that has been mysteriously missing for the greater portion of the day. They are used to seeing him in the morning and at night and the change was sudden and met with many tantrums, much to Izzie's displeasure. The blonde makes her way down the short brick path and opens the back door before Addison can even make it out of the vehicle.

"Gosh, she's beautiful." Izzie smiles, oddly overcome with emotion. She can't help but make the comparisons with the daughter she gave away and the little girl in front of her that she essentially gets to help raise. She knows it's difficult but she likes to think it is helping her heal as well. Plus, it's nice to be away from the stress of immediate surgeries and the chaotic intern stories for a part of the day.

She's found, since working for/with the Shepherds in their own home, that she probably had another calling in life. Izzie is compassionate and caring and there isn't a whole lot of room for that in surgery, at least outside of Addison's field. What started as proving to the world that she was a badass and capable of doing whatever she wanted (and if she was honest, proving it to herself as well) with her life quickly turned into a major wake up call. At night, when she returns to newly turned resident villa, she still watches the gory surgery videos and listens with interest to all of the crazy stories Alex and George have cooked up, but she doesn't miss it. What Izzie misses are the patients, the knowing she is helping someone who can't help themselves. That is, why she got into the field, after all.

Her scheduled return in a month looks scarier and scarier by the minute.

"Thanks."

"You okay?"

"Yup." Addison slowly migrates from the door and around to where Izzie has started to unfasten the myriad of belts and safety precautions.

"If you're tired I could take Carter and Collin out to the park or maybe we could go pick out something for their new sister…a girl can never have too many things."

Addison smiles, acknowledging how wonderful that idea is, but what she really wants is her boys. Nearly three days in a hospital bed leaves her completely deprived of their attention and wanton of their love. "I say we have a lazy day." She's not mentioning that virtually every day has been a lazy day in the last few months but Izzie agrees and holds onto the carrier tightly as they make their way inside.

* * *

Derek is gone, though rather begrudgingly, just as quick as he got there. He kisses her cheek and grumbles his way out to the car for another round at the hospital. When he arrives and tries to focus on the chart in front of him; the patient greatly in need of his services, all he can think about is how cute Addison looked snuggled under the soft cream colored blanket on the couch with Carson on her chest and Carter safely wedged in between the couch and his mother and Collin at her feet fighting for any attention he could get, even if it included an unscheduled naptime. He smiles to himself and when one of the nurses clears her throat he realizes that he was humming as well.

He dots his I's, crosses the T's and dares to ask Yang to scrub in on the surgery that should, if all goes well, only last a few hours. Then it's back to the mountain of papers on Richard's desk, a few phone calls to return and time sheets to approve…and then he can finally go back to the only place his heart desires- home.

"She's really cute, right, it's not just me? She's actually a beautiful baby, not that all babies aren't cute to a certain extent- suction- it's just that mine, well she's a looker." He rambles on to everyone in the room who are either half asleep and smiling dazedly while he works because they are bored to tears or are gritting their teeth because they are sick and tired of hearing about the baby girl that only a few people have been allowed to see. Cristina, in that group, due to what she likes to call an unfortunate event assisting Nancy four hours into the labor from hell, would like to slap the ferryboated head of the man next to her.

"Yeah, she's great." Cristina mumbles, her breath hot and sticky under the mask.

"Did I tell you what she did this morning when I was putting her in the car to take her home?"

"Yes. Twice." She rolls her eyes when he looks down and catches sight of the bored anesthesiologist. Three day old babies do not do anything interesting as far as she's concerned. When the kid can hold a scalpel steady or suture a banana then they'll talk but until then she couldn't give a fuck less.

"It was cute." He babbles and extends his hand out for the last instrument needed before the man below him can be put back together with a healthy, functioning spine.

"I'm sure." Cristina scoffs before she can stop herself.

"Dr. Yang, I know you don't have children or from what I understand like them but…" His professional demeanor breaks as his heart swells, "I think we can agree this one is pretty special."

Cristina shakes her head and prays he gets struck with laryngitis or something equally effective and voice silencing, "Yes Dr. Shepherd." She just wants to focus on the medicine, why is that so much to ask?

"I didn't know anyone could feel this way, it's amazing, invigorating."

"What about your other kids?"

"What about them?" He knits his brows and looks up at the resident across the table.

"Don't you feel that way about them too?"

"Are you saying I don't love my children equally?"

"I'm not saying anything Dr. Shepherd."

"It's different. I love them all, she's just new and a girl and so perfect and it's different…doesn't make me feel anything less toward my sons."

"Right." Cristina mutters under her breath and then pretends to cough a little to break up the sound.

* * *

He blames the curly headed resident for his sour demeanor and slouches into Richard's comfortable high-backed chair hours later. He loves his kids, every damn one of them and no one, least of all Yang, should be able to tell him differently but the problem is he can't stop thinking about it. He can't stop himself from worrying that one will get too much attention and the others none or worse they will grow up hating themselves and each other because he actually managed to impregnate his wife. His previously joyous attitude gets thrown out the window and he growls when the knock on the door interrupts the signing of stupid white papers. "Come in."

"Hey." Mark greets and slips into the chair in front of him, without prompting or invitation.

"Hey."

"What are you still doing here? Addison is going to kill you."

"I'm almost finished." He gripes and pointedly stares at the pile of paperwork in front of him.

Mark drums his fingers along the railing of the chair and smiles, "I snuck in to see her before you guys left- you're going to need a gun."

Derek smirks and announces, "That's what I said."

"Anyway- just checking in on you and…wanted to tell you congrats again."

"Mark, you've told us both at least twelve times and I've known you since we were six, cut the crap." Derek drops the pen and watches it roll side to side, coming to an uneasy rest.

He darts his eyes from both sides and admits, "I'm terrified. I look at all the babies in the NICU and I don't belong with any one of them man. This was a mistake."

"You're freaking out." Derek replies.

"No, I am saying that…I don't think I can do this."

"You love Callie?" He asks tiredly but still willing and able to help out.

"Yeah, I think so."

"Then you'll be fine. It's not easy and so far I've got a great one- but they cry and you can't always fix it so that's scary but I think all you can do is be there for both of them and at the end of the day that's all that counts."

"What if I drop it or…I put the diaper thingy on wrong and crap goes everywhere…or-"

Derek smiles. "I think that fact that you are even freaking out about this is a good indication that you're going to be fine. You drop it then I'll help you put it back together. It pees all over you then you clean it up. It's just a baby Mark."

"That's the problem."

"Frankly, I'm surprised this is the first woman you've knocked up." Derek chuckles and then stops dead when Mark's face drops and becomes whiter than usual, "It's not?"

"I need to go. Promised to bring Cal some Thai food home and my woman will actually beat me unlike yours plus she's already starting in on the cravings…she's going to drive me insane." He stands, brushes his pants off and exits before Derek can ask who. It's not his story to tell and there is no way he is trudging through the past when he can hardly handle the present and the idea of the future.

* * *

"Addie?" Derek asks softly entering the house later that night. The lights are all out in the living room and he kicks his shoes off following the warm glow tumbling down the carpeted stairs. Careful to step over the baby gate he is well acquainted with, he first stops in and covers up Carter and Collin again. He kisses their sleeping heads and in that moment he knows that it doesn't matter if they came from Addison's body or some woman, who he will never meet, they are his family and they will always be. With a sigh of relief he traipses down the hallway to the cracked doorway of his daughter's very dim room.

The white door swings on its hinges to reveal the sherbert orange and raspberry pink colored room with hints of soft yellow and white. There's silly little baby jungle animals dancing along the border of the walls that Addison thought were adorable two months ago and Derek still finds them creepy especially now with only the showering rays of an elephant nightlight. He certainly wouldn't want a small giraffe with creepy eyes or a mini zebra with a crooked smile to welcome him into the morning but he wasn't going to argue with her when she was crying every day as it was. Some things had to be negotiated in a marriage and as long as his daughter had fun in here then he didn't care.

He checks his watch, closing off the empty room from the hall to see that it's only 8. Far sooner than he expected to get home and still hours behind when he wanted to be there. He finds his wife sprawled across their bed with a silent basinet next to her. Grinning he decides to forgo everything else and just climb in bed and be with her. His fingers pluck the dress socks off and toss them to the ground, his shirt lands on top of them and his hands nimbly slide his slacks down before she rouses with his knee on the bed causing a shift.

"Der?"

"Hey." He says lowly.

Her eyes look wildly around the room for the clock and she sighs deeply finding it. "I was going to make you dinner to celebrate your first day as chief….and I fell asleep."

"You can't cook." He grins, placing the full weight on the bed.

"Well, I was going to…" yawn, "order Chinese and have plates ready. I figured it was appropriate."

"I had a crappy sandwich from the cafeteria. You're off the hook for tonight."

"Ok." She mumbles letting her eyes slip closed again when she feels his head next to hers on the same pillow, "Good."

"How was the day?"

"There was crying, puking, screaming, diapers, tantrums, naps and finally Carter decided that it was ok to hit his sister on the head with a block when I was in the other room trying to make them dinner."

"Oh violence." Derek murmurs clasping his hand around her stomach and nuzzling his nose into her lightly scented hair.

"Yes and that was only day one and I've been alone for three hours….and that's it."

"You got everyone into bed." He whispers.

"I did do that." She grins, his breath tickling her neck, "So enough about my boring day…what did you do?" He picks his head up and leans over Addison's body, "Oh Derek…no, no, no. I'm still very much out of commission here."

He chuckles and continues to peer over her, "I'm not trying to take advantage of my very hot wife-"

"Right." She snorts knowing full well that there is spit up somewhere in her hair and probably on her shirt. Her face is devoid of make up and she hasn't actually tried to get dressed in anything other than lounging clothes all day.

"I wanted to see my little girl." He reaches his hand out and lightly brushes the red hair on her head, the only thing that isn't covered by the white fuzzy blanket.

"Derek if you wake her up I swear to god I will castrate you right here and now."

"Well, I can't wake up something that isn't sleeping now can I." He sits up and shuffles over Addison pulling their very awake daughter onto the bed. Placing her between them carefully he continues to stroke her cheek, "Hello there."

"She can't talk yet."

"She will be able to soon and her first word is going to be Dada, isn't it Ki…yes it is."

"She has a nickname already?" Addison asks softly smiling at the way his interactions flow effortlessly. Part of her is very jealous that he gets to leave when they are all screaming and come home when they are silent and sleepy. But the big part of her tells the small petty part to shut up and she just smiles through gritted teeth and a clenched jaw.

"She does," He affirms, "I was filling in the board when it came to me."

"Ki better not be short for something like right angle clamp." Addison warns.

"It's not." He lightly kisses Carson's forehead and she jolts when his stubble scratches her smooth skin, "Short for Viktorya…kind of."

Addison shrugs in the darkness and gives up for the day, "It's better than Kernel."

"Oh, I'm still calling her that." He mentions unable to break contact with the squirming infant.

"I'm ignoring that comment like you didn't say it and going to sleep now." Addison murmurs.

"Ok, night Add. I love you."

"Love you too."

"And I love you." She announces rolling onto her side to face the wide awake pair and rubbing Carson's arm.

* * *

One week in and Derek's finally achieving a steady routine. He's got surgeries lined up but still makes it home at some point for lunch and to see his always on the go little family. He changes his daughter and lets the boys tackle him and scale his legs while he thoughtfully munches on a sandwich and mentally runs down the list of things he has left for the day while chatting with Izzie about nothing. When his hour is up he kisses Addison soundly making sure she doesn't feel left out, pries the boys from his pants patting them both on the head a promising they will finish playing when he gets home and he snuggles Carson close whispering all his plans for her when she grows up while she sleeps peacefully.

So far they have been pleasantly surprised by her schedule and character. She spends most of her time sleeping but when she is awake and not in need of food or cleaning up she is quiet and observant. Her eyes are always looking intently at what's going on. Whether it be Addison trying to get the boys interested in her further than as someone to throw things at or all the silly faces Derek makes at her when he is home, she remains fascinated, blue eyes fixed and very serious.

Derek is certain he has never seen a more relaxed and laid back baby. She was not what they were expecting at all. They were thinking something with Addison's bossy, demanding attitude and Derek's whining abilities. Instead she is a nice mixture. The only things, so far, they have found that upset her are when: Derek sings (she always screams- Addison says in fear for her life) or when the boys have an off night and wake up earlier than she wants to or wake her while she is trying to nap during the day (then it's screaming for the sake of being annoyed- Derek says she takes after her mother and is not a morning person, to which she reminds him that he is not a morning person either) or lastly when she has to wait to be fed (which is purely Derek in Addison's opinion) because they both are completely intolerable and bitchy when they are hungry.

One week in and Addison is starting to lose her mind. Her very smart and able brain that used to cut people open and save lives is now used to remember how many loads of laundry need to be done or how long she can claim to be in the shower before feeling like a neglectful mother for having her children solely with Izzie downstairs all the time. One week and her daughter is alive and happy and her boys don't seem to hate the world as much and she feels like a moderately successful mother but something isn't right. She feels a strong urge to have alone time, which she is certain is normal but there was all this build up and now the end result is here and it isn't in the least satisfying. It's anticlimactic and unsettling.

So far, she likes watching over her daughter who does nothing but essentially drain her energy and she enjoys playing with the boys still but it's been one week and Addison misses her job. She misses being important in both worlds. She runs her hands along the wet strands dangling before her eyes and hurriedly rushes into the black robe hanging off the bathroom door. Headed downstairs she steps on a stupid plastic toy shaded in bright red and nearly dives head first down the steps cursing. Catching herself on the baluster, she takes a deep breath and remembers to look down when walking in this mine zone of a house.

"Izzie?" She questions checking on Carson in the living room before walking into the kitchen.

"Mama!" Collin shouts, "Up, up!" He extends his arms and Addison grimaces as she lifts him onto her hip.

"Shhh…baby is sleeping," She tells him for the fiftieth time this morning. Apparently the concept is out of their abilities but words are now starting to tumble off their mouths at an alarming rate which makes her slightly proud that all their work is starting to pay off. "Izzie?"

"Go!" Collin urges, bouncing up and down on her hip.

"I'm going. Where's Iz? And your brother?" He points and giggles happily into the laundry room.

"In here!" Izzie yells softly, he voice dropping off as Carter begins to cry at her knees.

"Oh hey." Addison nods, now completely comfortable with the younger woman. She's seen her through everything so the towel wardrobe and a fresh face that would normally bug Addison don't really do anything anymore. There's no charade to keep up with Izzie and she's thankful, beyond thankful, for all of her help in everything.

"Hi, he wanted the dinosaur shirt again...I think." She mentions nodding toward the bare chested little boy now trying to figure our how to get his head through the arm hole.

"He's worn it every day this week." Addison sets the other toddler down and helps her son figure things out as he squeals in protest.

"Eh, what can we do?" Izzie shrugs and smiles.

"Nothing." Addison pauses, biting her lip, "I was going to go grocery shopping because there's basically nothing in the house."

"Oh, ok. Well I'll get everyone ready-"

"No. I mean I just think it would be easier on everyone if I just go."

"Oh right, well I could go for you if you make a list or something. I don't mind. Maybe I can even attempt to teach the boys how to help with cookies this afternoon."

Addison smiles, knowing that it should be a mother who makes cookies, not a nanny and tries to push how similar her childhood was to this, "Sure…but I don't really know what goes in cookies besides flour and sugar and I bet we don't have anything like that so…write it down?"

"Yeah, you okay?" Izzie asks dumbly, knowing there are probably a million things wrong. Hormones, pain, babies, twins, breastfeeding…she could think of things for days.

She puts on her best fake grin, the one she used to use when she would catch Derek and Meredith playing in the halls and responds, "Great."

"If you want to tell me anything, you can. I mean I tell you things you don't need to know all the time. I'm a good ear, if you need one."

"I'll keep that in mind. I'm going to go get ready- if you'll just keep an eye on them because…and I will feed her before I leave- actually maybe I'll take her, just in case."

"That's probably a good idea." Izzie affirms and scoots both boys who are clambering for Addison's attention out of the room. She's noticed a few things but thinks better than to say anything. Addison is doing her best, trying to give everyone time and hardly has time to nap without the boys tugging on her hair and trying to get her to play trucks or kick the ball around outside in the rain, so Izzie just lets it go.

Sometimes people just need a moment. It's the least she can give the woman who pays her to play with kids all day. She won't even let Izzie clean when the boys are occupied. She's steadfast in not needing any more help than what she has...and she's running herself ragged. Izzie decides that she will at least try to vacuum while her boss is away. She may get reprimanded but she knows that it will be appreciated.

* * *

"Richard." Derek nods entering the room, his last patient before lunch time.

"Shep."

"How are we doing today?" Derek pulls the pen from his pocket and begins to look over the chart hanging from the end of the bed.

"Good. Ready to go home."

"Yeah, I bet." Derek laughs.

"None of my spies will tell me anything." He mentions as Derek shines his light brightly.

"That's because there's nothing to tell."

"Uh huh." Richard shuffles back into the pillow.

"It's the truth."

"You're doing better than Burke did."

"That's because I'm better than Burke." He shrugs with a smug smile, "I should have been picked both times."

"Well you can stop you're whining because I am picking you now."

Derek cocks his head to the side and runs a few fingers through the messy hair that needs a brush. He was too busy playing with Carson this morning to bother with a shower; he just figured he'd squeeze it in tonight when everyone is sleeping, "What?"

"It's time Derek."

"Richard. I can't, I won't." He shakes his head and scratches behind his ear nervously. This is the moment he has been waiting for since the M.D. was added to his name.

"You have to, there is no one else and I can't keep this up. Hell Adele barely looked at me when she came in but she did come in Derek and I need to work on that." His eyes dance over his prodigy as he paces the room.

"But I-We-Addison. No."

"Derek I'm not asking, I'm telling you. I picked you over a year ago for this job and you told me to give it a redo. I did that. I've done all I can do here. My time is up and I am done."

Derek slumps into the chair next to Richard and buries his head in his hands trying to figure out a way to make it work. Certainly, Addison would be supportive but she shouldn't have to be. She should be able to count on him being home for holidays and there to tuck in their children after bath time. He knows that Izzie is scheduled to come back in another month and he just…., "Richard, I appreciate the offer but I'm declining. My family needs me and I am not screwing that up this time."

"It wasn't an offer Derek." He growls, "I know you're a busy man and I love those kids like my own grandchildren. You are stable now, you are focused, and you're ready."

"I'm not." He swallows heavily feeling the bile rise in his throat.

"You are, you know you are and that's why you're scared. I recommended you this morning to the board and they agreed again which is kind of a feat considering you blew us all off last time."

"You didn't even ask me!"

"You think you are going to find a better opportunity than this in your lifetime Derek? This is what you've been working for your entire career and don't try and tell me any differently. This is the best hospital on the west coast and I won't give this to some sub par, greedy surgeon. I pick you. You are the next chief of surgery at Seattle Grace Hospital. End. Of. Discussion."

The only sound in the room is the slamming of the door, heavily wobbling in its frame as Derek storms out.

* * *

A/N: Worst non-ending ever? I know. So it's up to you all. I have thoughts of doing another segment (sequel if you will) of this, a touch more angst filled that involves the struggles of their family...or I can walk away and we all use our amazing imaginations. Vote-

* * *


	18. Sequel

A/N: I just wanted to let you all know the sequel to this piece has been started. Called _Blisters & Coffee_, it can be located under my stories. Hope you enjoy.

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